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I am tired of doing things I don't really want to do to make others happy while I am unhappy. Is there any working technique to say no and set boundaries? (for example, having a dinner with family when I have other important things to do for University or work).
Is there anyone you know who does a good job of this? Watch what they do, and practice their technique. Sometimes it's easier to take on someone else's persona as you're learning a new skill.
Also, elnina is correct, you not only have the right to say no, but there are times when you need to in order to take care of yourself. Guilt is a crippling emotion and usually unwarranted.
You give no context of your circumstances. Do you live at home or have your own place?
If you live at home and don’t want to sit down to family meals, then arrange to go elsewhere during dinner time for part of the week to study and state your covered to dinner and thanks. On other days state you have major homework and you’ll make yourself a sandwich,and maybe sit down with family once or twice a week.
Do you pay rent, help pay for food or utilities? Do you offer to help cook, or even cook a family meal now and again. Who does all the cooking and cleaning? And how many are in your family. Also why presume that they expect you to make them happy? This is a weakness on your part.
I am tired of doing things I don't really want to do to make others happy while I am unhappy. Is there any working technique to say no and set boundaries? (for example, having a dinner with family when I have other important things to do for University or work).
If you are benefiting from your family in some way, the "technique" is planning and communication. Because you are not flexible, you need to communicate when you are available. You may also need to plan in advance to make yourself available.
I am tired of doing things I don't really want to do to make others happy while I am unhappy. Is there any working technique to say no and set boundaries? (for example, having a dinner with family when I have other important things to do for University or work).
Tell the truth. "I can't have dinner tonight because I have school/work tasks to complete." So many problems would be avoided if people were honest and didn't look for ways to soften the blow. Others need to learn to be comfortable with "no" just as much as you need to learn to be comfortable saying it.
I am tired of doing things I don't really want to do to make others happy while I am unhappy. Is there any working technique to say no and set boundaries? (for example, having a dinner with family when I have other important things to do for University or work).
From my own experience, if you are truly ready to stop betraying yourself by being a people pleaser, it will take some time and grit, but it can be done.
The good thing is that saying no is like a muscle that gets stronger the more you exercise it. It might take you some fierce self-talk to be able to do it the first few times, and you will have to brace yourself and be strong, because the people who have gotten accustomed to you never turning them down for anything will not believe you mean it. They will likely persist in asking and complain when you keep saying no: “This isn’t like you, why aren’t you being nice to us?” “Don’t you love your (insert family member) anymore?” etc.
My best advice is, if you have a good friend you can be yourself with, actually role play with them portaying the persistent family member and you finding multiple ways to say no, depending on who’s doing the asking/demanding. Have them be hard on you and try to guilt you, or whatever you anticipate as the challenges you'll be facing. If you do this, you will be surprised at how easily the phrases come out when you are in the actual situation.
One thing that helped me in this journey was something I remembered someone saying a long time ago: “It’s easier to change a no into a yes than a yes into a no.” So I made it a rule, for anything I was less than 100% excited about, to always say no first, and then if I changed my mind later, no problem. A couple of phrases I have found useful are:
“I can’t remember what I’m doing that week. Let me check my day planner” (which is on paper, not on my phone, so I conveniently never actually have it with me)
“I have a few things that I haven’t heard back on yet. I should know more after next Tuesday, and I’ll let you know.”
"I can't really commit because my work might call me in and I told them I'd be available all day."
“No, that doesn’t sound like my idea of fun.” (this is more advanced and not easy to pull off at the beginning, but I like it because it’s hard to argue with)
I began doing this some years ago, and now it comes second nature, and instead of assuming I’ll tie myself into knots to please others, or trying to persuade me to do things I don’t want to do, people who know me will suggest something and if I say no, that’s it. In the end, I have found that it’s a lot better to have others irritated at me for a little while than to be inwardly angry and disappointed all the time because I never stood up for myself.
Tell the truth. "I can't have dinner tonight because I have school/work tasks to complete." So many problems would be avoided if people were honest and didn't look for ways to soften the blow. Others need to learn to be comfortable with "no" just as much as you need to learn to be comfortable saying it.
Agreed. Many, if not most people, take it as a personal affront when denied.
and...
Quote:
Originally Posted by irootoo
... They will likely persist in asking and complain when you keep saying no: “This isn’t like you, why aren’t you being nice to us?” “Don’t you love your (insert family member) anymore?” etc.
This kind of response is exactly what I'm talking about. Great answers.
"just letting you know I'd rather do ____; nothing personal. maybe we can work something else out? i can let you know if i change my mind, or not. hope you have a nice time".
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