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And if he's reluctant, this (grief counseling) is something you could begin together, as you mentioned that you loved her a great deal too. At least that would get him in the door.
I ran this by DH tonight. He looked thoughtful for a moment and said slowly, "That's probably not a bad idea." In DH Land this is the equivalent of a 5 star Yelp review.
I ran this by DH tonight. He looked thoughtful for a moment and said slowly, "That's probably not a bad idea." In DH Land this is the equivalent of a 5 star Yelp review.
This is a good first step. If he follows through, then I am much more optimistic about your relationship.
I ran this by DH tonight. He looked thoughtful for a moment and said slowly, "That's probably not a bad idea." In DH Land this is the equivalent of a 5 star Yelp review.
Go for it! You have nothing to lose.
Death of a parent must have all kinds of effects on the child that he or she is completely unaware of. While my husband is not acting like a child, I began noticing that after his dad died, he mysteriously began doing things that made me think, “I bet that is exactly how his father did that.†Things that my husband had never done before in that manner. As if he is trying to keep memories of him alive by reenacting them.
My mother has some mannerisms that I hope I will not subconsciously reenact after she dies. We shall see.
All of the above are merely annoying nits, if that. Nothing like what you are going through.
Death of a parent must have all kinds of effects on the child that he or she is completely unaware of. While my husband is not acting like a child, I began noticing that after his dad died, he mysteriously began doing things that made me think, “I bet that is exactly how his father did that.” Things that my husband had never done before in that manner. As if he is trying to keep memories of him alive by reenacting them.
My mother has some mannerisms that I hope I will not subconsciously reenact after she dies. We shall see.
If you're like me, you're already alert to the possibility that you've become your (still living) mother. With me, it's every time I look in the mirror.
It's ironic that the child she didn't want turned out to favor her family's looks and mannerisms.
If you're like me, you're already alert to the possibility that you've become your (still living) mother. With me, it's every time I look in the mirror.
It's ironic that the child she didn't want turned out to favor her family's looks and mannerisms.
What are the odds that someone like you, whose mother didn't want her, would end up with someone like your husband, who wants you to be his mother?
Dementia? I don't know. He is fully aware that he's doing it and he wants more. When I said, "You're acting like a child" he made the "It's the only time I feel loved" comment. Which is interesting, because he rejects most things I say.
I have asked him at various times if he would please consider seeing someone for anxiety, because it's been obvious to me from Day One that he suffers from it. He denies that he is anxious. But if you'd been that way from birth, how would you know any different?
If I am understanding several of your comments correctly, it seems to me that you have generalized his one outburst of "It's the only time I feel loved" to projecting on him that he wants (always) to be treated as a child.
His mother died only two years ago, a death he may feel more intensely now, as it is extremely common for one to experience delayed grief, especially older children for their parents, for whom it may at first have been seen as a blessing that they died. Perhaps he is suffering from abandonment issues, and based on your negative portrayal of him, he is likely aware of your frustration and anger, and he worries you will abandon him, too.
Rather than insisting he go in for counseling first, I think you should concentrate on yourself first. You are very angry. Ideally you should both go in for couples counseling, also, but you need to talk to a counselor every bit as much as he does.
As to cutlery, glassware, etc., I think most of us have a preference. My husband eats most things with a larger spoon than I do. When setting the table, I put out his favorites for him and he puts out my favorites for me. Our biggest difference is that he does not drink liquids with his meals, unless it is wine, whereas I always want at least a glass of water nearby.
Last edited by SFBayBoomer; 09-17-2018 at 04:14 PM..
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