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I'm in my late 40's and it seems like in the last several years I have been dealing with a lot of people who don't like change and/or absolutely freak out or go blank at the thought of doing something new. I should note that these are all people who are 40 plus, as well, but I have had experience with one person who was that way in their 20's and 30's. To make matters worse, their inflexibility really bothers me. It makes me angry and I am wondering if me and my reaction is the problem instead. Like maybe this is triggering something I'm unaware of and it's setting me off.
So I guess my question is, how do you deal with people who don't like change or new things? (it can be something as simple as suggesting to eat at a new restaurant- and no, there are no food restrictions involved) or to look at a different website and they freak out. Why? I just don't get it. How do you cope with this?
On the other hand, like I said, maybe it's me. Maybe this is totally normal and my reaction is too much. Maybe I need therapy. I just feel like they are being kind of selfish. Tell me how I'm supposed to deal with this properly and not get riled up.
Yes, it can be a little trying, but why do you think it actually makes you *angry*? A little frustrated, sure. But actually mad? Why? Do you feel like they're trying to control you with their refusal to try or do the things you want? Do YOU need to be in control? I doubt they're being "selfish"; they're probably just insecure about or disinterested in trying new things.
I think we need more examples of what you're talking about.
But, I can give you an example about myself, if you wanted me to try something I've never tried before. First, don't call me and say you're ready to go do something in 5 minutes. I don't do that anymore, and had to stop doing that after my daughter was born in my 20's - unless she was at her dad's :-)
I also have pain issues and I have to plan ahead as far as when I'm going to be doing something. For instance, if you and I plan to do something on Wednesday, I know I need to take it easy on Tuesday, and take my shower on Tuesday, so I am in good shape on Wednesday. And my pain issues aren't just because I'm old now. They started in my 40's, because of several injuries. I didn't like to complain about my pain and I only do so now, if people start bugging me to do things outside my comfort zone, and then I need to explain that I'm not avoiding them, I'm dealing with pain.
And because of my pain issues, it's really trying for me to do anything in the evenings. I'm usually all done in as far as physical activity by dinner time.
I also have a list of things I am not interested in at all - as I'm sure you are, too, OP, even if you say you like trying new things - you're talking about trying new things that you want to do. What you want to try may not sound at all good to someone else.
For instance, I'm not at all interested in sushi. Can't convince me to try it - nope, not even the California roll. Can't stand seaweed, let alone the idea of eating raw fish. But, I'd go and eat tempura, so we could still go to a Japanese place that offers sushi. But, if your mission is to make me eat sushi, forget it.
If you want me to go watch a football game with you either live or at a sports bar, I'd rather have a root canal. Well, I might go if it was during the day and you bought the beer...but you'd owe me.
Just remember that you are one person with wants and desires, and so is the other person. If that person kept trying to get you to do something you had zero interest or was appalled at the thought of - would that make you a bad or uninteresting person?
I have very adventurous friends who would never go to a zoo or a rodeo with me, both of which are things I enjoy. They find them appalling because of animal rights, etc. Ironically, I'm vegan and they are not LOL.
If you just can't work with your friend's schedule or find some common ground, then look for new friends who want to do those things with you.
My friends have other friends they call when they want to eat sushi or go out in the evenings. I have other friends I go to the rodeo with. And that works for both of us. I'm the daytime adventurer who is up for a trip to a park or a matinee performance, as long as I have at least a day's notice, preferably more. Although, if you called me at the last minute and just wanted to go have lunch, before the pain kicked in full throttle, I could probably handle that. And, I'm normally really good company within those parameters :-)
I have a good friend like this. He rarely if ever goes to new restaurants for all the reasons stated above. He doesn't like smart phones or modern cars. Has zero interest in current movies or music. He and his wife pretty much live in the past and beam with pride when they talk about it. The wife talked once about how happy they were to find a familiar chain restaurant in Las Vegas, whereas eating at new places is a vacation highlight for most people.
I say if it works for them, then great. But I can only spend so much time with people like that. I want to go out and experience the world and these aren't the people who will encourage me to do so. I just wish like-minded people weren't so hard to find.
I'm kind of a creature of habit. I like my routines...but I also recognize that sometimes, it's good to shake things up. For instance...I like trying new restaurants, but if we're going to a restaurant I've been to before, I'll order what I always order at that familiar restaurant...because I like that dish so much.
I get complacent in my routines...and I know that about myself. I used to crab when change was forced upon me, but anymore, I just tell myself that this is a normal part of life, and just accept it the best I can. Often, the change becomes a learning opportunity, so I try to look at it that way.
But some people, for instance, people on the autism spectrum, depend on routines to make the world easier to navigate for them. They depend on those routines like old people depend on stair rails and sticky things on the bottom of the bathtub.
I'm in my late 40's and it seems like in the last several years I have been dealing with a lot of people who don't like change and/or absolutely freak out or go blank at the thought of doing something new. I should note that these are all people who are 40 plus, as well, but I have had experience with one person who was that way in their 20's and 30's. To make matters worse, their inflexibility really bothers me. It makes me angry and I am wondering if me and my reaction is the problem instead. Like maybe this is triggering something I'm unaware of and it's setting me off.
So I guess my question is, how do you deal with people who don't like change or new things? (it can be something as simple as suggesting to eat at a new restaurant- and no, there are no food restrictions involved) or to look at a different website and they freak out. Why? I just don't get it. How do you cope with this?
On the other hand, like I said, maybe it's me. Maybe this is totally normal and my reaction is too much. Maybe I need therapy. I just feel like they are being kind of selfish. Tell me how I'm supposed to deal with this properly and not get riled up.
I’ve always been a creature of habit who finds comfort and security in routines and the familiar. My first reaction to change is to resist it. It sends me into fight or flight almost. Even my bosses know not to “spring†things on me. For me, I think there’s a good bit of OCD involved as well as anxiety. I don’t always refuse to try anything new, but again it can’t be sprung on me out of the blue, and my first reaction may be a negative one. Even with good, I’ll eat the same lunch every day for months and months.
Why would other people’s preferences and foibles make you angry?
Why would other people’s preferences and foibles make you angry?
I can't speak for OP, but for me this type of situation makes me more frustrated than angry. But when I look closer at the situation, I'm not frustrated with my friends for being who they are, but rather with the situation itself. As in, "it's tough to find good friends, and I have them but I still don't have people with whom I can do the things I enjoy."
I can't speak for OP, but for me this type of situation makes me more frustrated than angry. But when I look closer at the situation, I'm not frustrated with my friends for being who they are, but rather with the situation itself. As in, "it's tough to find good friends, and I have them but I still don't have people with whom I can do the things I enjoy."
On the other hand, like I said, maybe it's me. Maybe this is totally normal and my reaction is too much. Maybe I need therapy. I just feel like they are being kind of selfish. Tell me how I'm supposed to deal with this properly and not get riled up.
Sincere question: How do you manage to find so many fearful people? Or do they find you?
Sincere question: How do you manage to find so many fearful people? Or do they find you?
Some have been through work and some through dating. If you're asking if there is some force at play here that is drawing us to each other, I have wondered that myself. I don't like this trait about them but I like the people. One thing I'll note is that they all were born and raised the same small city, which imo, is a dull and stagnant place, so I've been blaming it on that.
To those who have asked why I get annoyed or angry with them. I was raised in an atmosphere that discouraged shying away from things out of fear. We were taught that you don't have the luxury of freezing in fear, else you won't get anywhere in life. For example, I was scared to swim in deep water and didn't do it when I was a young child. I would hang around in the shallow parts and move around pools holding onto the edge of the pool. I did that for a while. The way I was finally taught to learn how to swim (probably around age 9) was by being thrown into the deep end of the pool by some older cousins. You better believe I figured out how to swim in that moment. And it wasn't bad at all. I have plenty of examples of that sort of thing and as an adult I can see how this training has made me less fearful of doing things. Because I know it will be okay in the end and even enriching that I learned something new. So now I struggle with tolerating adults who seem to let fear rule their life, and more importantly, mine(!) because I'm not that way (hence why I called it selfish).
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