Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
No, he wouldn't, because he doesn't plan major life things either, and without control of his finances,you can't do it for him. I tend to think he's not very adult, which has worn thin over time.
.....so WHY have you stayed married to this person for so long??!I don't understand if this person is how you say he is, then how the hell were you even able to date someone like this??Did he make plans at the beginning of your dating lives?Stop wasting your time with someone like this.The fact that he doesn't want to do or plan anything..should have been him getting his walking papers years ago.You married someone who would be your partner..you didn't marry yourself but from the sound of it..you would be much happier if you had married yourself.
Sorry that you're going through this BUT you stated you have been dealing with this for years.Why are you punishing yourself by staying in this??
how about if you decide some things you will be doing and say "I will be doing this, on this date and time, please let me know if you would like to join me. I would enjoy your company."
and if he does join you, he does, and if he doesn't, you have things to do that are enjoyable for you.
I question who actually has the problem here. The OP knows her husband does not like to plan. So why would you try to force him to sit down and make plans in advance. See the way it works is usually one is the planner and the other is the one that goes along. I am the planner. I plan vacations up to a year in advance including scheduling hotels, rental car and whatever is necessary. I do it all with little input from anyone else. Why you may ask.....because I am good at it and thorough down to the smallest details and usually have a planned out itinerary for the entire week or however long the vacation is gong to be. I don't wait for someone to come sit with me and try to make them make decisions. I just do it and get it done.
So in my mind the real question is why does the OP go into this battle every year repeatedly knowing it is going to lead to arguments and disappointment. Just go make the plans and then share them with him and I will bet you he will go along and have a great time. If there is something he mentions he doesn't really want to do and it isn't important to you either, change that part of the plans and move on.
We need more info and clarification from the OP. But part of the problem seems to be, that he has too much debt piled up to have the resources to pay for his ticket to join her on trips. So in that sense, she feels he hasn't looked ahead at least toward paying down his debt, so that they can enjoy vacations together.
As to what other types of planning (weekend activities, parties/entertaining at home, whatever) are frustrating the OP, it's not entirely clear. OP, does he balk, if you say something along the lines of, "I"m thinking of having a party for the family members, as a pre-Christmas event. Is that ok with you?" Or, "Wanna go out for a lunch and a museum visit to see the new exhibit Saturday?" Are things like that an issue?
We need more info and clarification from the OP. But part of the problem seems to be, that he has too much debt piled up to have the resources to pay for his ticket to join her on trips. So in that sense, she feels he hasn't looked ahead at least toward paying down his debt, so that they can enjoy vacations together.
As to what other types of planning (weekend activities, parties/entertaining at home, whatever) are frustrating the OP, it's not entirely clear. OP, does he balk, if you say something along the lines of, "I"m thinking of having a party for the family members, as a pre-Christmas event. Is that ok with you?" Or, "Wanna go out for a lunch and a museum visit to see the new exhibit Saturday?" Are things like that an issue?
Now I am really confused. So if he has a lot of debt from when he was unemployed and doesn't have the resources to pay for a ticket, what is she doing planning trips and spending money instead of them paying down the debt so they then have disposable income for trips?
So is this more a problem of him trying to be financially responsible and keep spending down and get a handle on some debt while his wife is complaining wanting to go on trips and go here and there and have parties and all of that and blow money like they don't have some financial obligations that need attention?
If it is a money issue, I get it. If you don't have the money to be spending on such frivolous activities buy your spouse is acting like the obligations don't exist, who wouldn't be irritated?
Now I am really confused. So if he has a lot of debt from when he was unemployed and doesn't have the resources to pay for a ticket, what is she doing planning trips and spending money instead of them paying down the debt so they then have disposable income for trips?
So is this more a problem of him trying to be financially responsible and keep spending down and get a handle on some debt while his wife is complaining wanting to go on trips and go here and there and have parties and all of that and blow money like they don't have some financial obligations that need attention?
If it is a money issue, I get it. If you don't have the money to be spending on such frivolous activities buy your spouse is acting like the obligations don't exist, who wouldn't be irritated?
It sounds like there is much more going on in this relationship than can be covered here. The way they handle money separately indicates that they are like two roommates living in the same house, not a married couple dealing with their issues together.
It sounds like there is much more going on in this relationship than can be covered here. The way they handle money separately indicates that they are like two roommates living in the same house, not a married couple dealing with their issues together.
I thought, that when he lost his job (and maybe he'd had prior spending issues, IDK), she felt the need to separate their money into separate accounts. I don't think their entire marriage has been with separate accounts. But may she was afraid that his loss of income would affect her credit.
True, generally, that couples face a problem like that together, but she may have had good reason for separating her money from his. Maybe she helps him out with debt payment, or maybe she can't, because he's not disciplined enough to not spend the money she donates to his debt-payment project.
Every married couple is going to run into areas in their life in which they aren't compatible unless they are very, very exceptional. I think once you have done all you can think of to do to come to a compromise it's time to sit down with yourself and weigh the values of your relationship.
You can still live comfortably with an imperfect partner (like all of us are) if you decide that other qualities your spouse has outweigh the negatives of your stuck spot. But that requires releasing the struggle and letting go of expectations. It requires an honest look in the mirror and asking yourself how much are you really trying to force someone to change who isn't going to and how much are you allowing that to make you unhappy.
This is a private deal and doesn't speak at all to the other's thoughts or reasons. You might never know exactly what they are. It's your issue and you need to understand why it makes you unhappy, what you can do about it and how much it is necessary for you to do something about it. Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker.
And people change through the years so even though you've done the work about the sticky spots chances are good new sticky spots will arise as children, work, illness, retirement change your situation. My view is that that's what a long-term relationship is about. Love first and big flexibility second.
Do you lose some things in this kind of relationship? Yes, you do. But sometimes what you gain in two people who have learned to work around the problems is two happier people who aren't trying to control each other. Happier people love better.
Note I didn't say work through the problems. I think some can only be worked around. But that's just me.
OP you have my sympathies. We would never do anything at all if I didn't plan it. Even when I plan something, DH forgets. Today, 12/23, he says when is Christmas, when are we going on the little trip... this after weeks of preparing and us wrapping gifts yesterday etc. etc.
Even when something comes up and we schedule it he will forget and go off to work etc.
In general I don't think men are particularly good at arranging a life, planning the relationship things we do to keep a family close. Especially when they come from families where there was some sort of dysfunction going on. For the most part, I don't think there is any changing men like this. They don't actually think they're doing anything wrong.
OK, no, I have money. I still work, and he does, too, but when he lost his job in the recession a while back, he changed a lot. Financially he about took a nose dive headed for the bottom as fast as possible and then dug a hole of debt. When I found out the position he was in, I decided it was time to separate our finances and I managed to get him to agree. His finances are still a wreck. I was just responding to elnina wanting to make his decisions for him. You can do it, but you can't get him to pay for, say, life insurance.
He's not that comfortable around people, but we have no family in this state, they're all scattered, so it would just be us but I'd like to know if we plan to eat in or out and what we might have. My willingness to cook or clean relates directly to how busy I am with work and other around the holiday.
As for lights, if he puts them up, he half-asses it and I'm not happy. If I give instructions, neither of us is happy. If we did it together (as if), we complement each other and can do a pretty nice job of anything. He just doesn't want to do anything much - it's not about Christmas particularly.
Someone asked about vacations and my reply is what's that? I went by myself to visit friends in NY when I found I had a few days off in a row and he made some remarks about going together and things we could do and I suggested he might save some money and make a plan for a trip like that because it sounded great. It didn't happen, probably never will.
I just want a normal holiday with a normal partner who wants to have a nice day like most people on earth.
OP, I get your frustration, I really do, because I am a planner myself. And my husband expects me to plan things. He does, however, basically pay for whatever I plan, and he does like some involvement - it's just that he likes for me to take care of the nitty gritty details.
It's hard for us to do things sometimes like putting up lights together, because I have come to realize that as much as I love my husband, basically he does most things much differently than I do. It's like we come at things from different perspectives so our operational stuff is different, though our goals are the same if that makes sense.
For instance, our driving styles - I am always thinking ahead about where I need to turn or whatever - he seems to wait till the last minute and then suddenly change lanes, when I'm sitting over there thinking five or six blocks before "We need to get over into the far lane..." Same with, for instance, when we walk out to the vehicle after leaving a store. He waits till he GETS TO THE VEHICLE to get his keys out and unlock the doors. I personally would have my keys in my hand as I'm walking into the parking lot. I'm always thinking to myself, "SURPRISE, WE'RE STANDING AT THE CAR NOW!" But if the truth be known, in the bigger scheme of things, does it really matter? It clearly doesn't to him, so I may as well just let it go.
Honestly, it's like he lives in the moment and I live in planning mode. I don't know which is better or worse, if there even IS a better or worse - it's how we're wired.
OP, does it have anything to do with birth order possibly? I am a first born, so I tend to be bossy, organized, etc. He is the baby of his family, so even though he is a manly man and is a productive upper management guy, with me anyway that acquiescent baby of the family thing comes through.
You know how I got my husband to pay for life insurance? I called the agent, I set up the meeting, and I told him during the meeting what I thought he needed (of course, I already had life insurance - and a will which I review every year - in place since I was in my 20s - LOL). Then I set up the bank draft as well.
Do you handle the finances? If not, maybe you should consider doing so. I mean, you can still keep them separate but if he's not a planner then he may actually APPRECIATE your involvement if you don't criticize him or nag him. Yes, it's an extra burden but you'd also know things are getting done. Then just make plans and execute them, and try to let go of your resentments. It's the only way to co exist.
You know what is a sure recipe for unhappiness and resentment? Waiting on someone else to do something, to conform to your expectations - in other words, allowing THEIR actions (or inactions) to dictate YOUR happiness. Whenever your happiness depends on the actions of others, you're off track.
My mom used to get so frustrated with my dad - for instance, they needed to call a plumber out. Well, she would wait for him to call the plumber, and she'd bug him, and nag him, and cajole him, etc. etc. and then she'd gripe at me EVERY SINGLE DAY about how he wouldn't just make that call, and I'd say, "Mom, why don't YOU just call a plumber?" You would have thought I'd said, "Why don't YOU overthrow communism?" She was absolutely aghast at the very idea. That was HIS job, and doggone it, until he did it she was going to be mad. Finally I said, "If you want it done, do it yourself - but quit grousing about it to me." I don't know what eventually happened on that one, but it was one thing like that after another - for years.
My dad was a terrific husband and father. But my mom wasted decades of their marriage being mad about stuff like that. And now my dad is gone and my mom is alone, and she's STILL got that orneriness about that sort of thing in her personality. But my dad was her partner in everything, and he adored her, and was faithful and funny and smart, and just the other day, two years after he died, she said, "Well, I guess your dad was a pretty good man after all." Yes, he sure was. Too bad she spent decades of her life being bent out of shape about the little things, which prevented her seeing how very good he was about most things.
I've tried to remember that and apply it to my life. It's hard sometimes when it's cold or rainy outside and I'm standing outside the vehicle waiting for my husband to dig out his keys and open the door but I do try to keep in mind while I'm standing there freezing that his other attributes more than make up for the cold.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
