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The problem is that men have a lot to lose from leaning on a woman for emotional support. While a woman loses nothing from leaning on a man for emotional support. It's one-sided, it's a double standard. But it is what it is. Humans evolved that way to allow women to find men with best genes. It's been that way for all mammal species ever since they first evolved 65 million years ago. 10,000 years of civilization are powerless in comparison to our base instincts.
A man is supposed to be a woman's rock she can lean on. Any other behavior will kill her attraction and respect for him. Now, she may give him that support, she just won't feel any sexual desire for him afterwards, and may seek out Chad Thunderpenis for sexual fulfillment instead (who intuitively knows better than to lean on her, except while having wild passion-driven sex standing up ).
So what's a man to do? Beats me! His bro friends may laugh at him, although that stops being an issue among older men. His therapist will just regurgitate useless platitudes, and offer nothing useful in terms of advice. Family can be hit-or-miss. Online communities are a man's best bet today; they're a spiritual successor to venting to fellow drinkers in a "Cheers"-type bar. Also having a dog; it can't speak beyond "woof-woof", but it does a good job of listening.
If you must talk to a woman about your problems, do it right. Don't talk in an emotional venting manner, like the problems defeated you. It makes you look weak and undesirable. Talk in a calm, serious, yet enthusiastic tone; it's hard to describe in words, but for a great example, think how a grandfather would tell his World War II stories. It'll let you get things off your chest while looking strong.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 12-29-2018 at 11:50 AM..
The problem is that men have a lot to lose from leaning on a woman for emotional support. While a woman loses nothing from leaning on a man for emotional support. It's one-sided, it's a double standard. But it is what it is. Humans evolved that way to allow women to find men with best genes. It's been that way for all mammal species ever since they first evolved 65 million years ago. 10,000 years of civilization are powerless in comparison to our base instincts.
A man is supposed to be a woman's rock she can lean on. Any other behavior will kill her attraction and respect for him. Now, she may give him that support, she just won't feel any sexual desire for him afterwards, and may seek out Chad Thunderpenis for sexual fulfillment instead (who intuitively knows better than to lean on her, except while having wild passion-driven sex standing up ).
So what's a man to do? Beats me! His bro friends may laugh at him, although that stops being an issue among older men. His therapist will just regurgitate useless platitudes, and offer nothing useful in terms of advice. Family can be hit-or-miss. Online communities are a man's best bet today; they're a spiritual successor to venting to fellow drinkers in a "Cheers"-type bar. Also having a dog; it can't speak beyond "woof-woof", but it does a good job of listening.
If you must talk to a woman about your problems, do it right. Don't talk in an emotional venting manner, like the problems defeated you. It makes you look weak and undesirable. Talk in a calm, serious, yet enthusiastic tone; it's hard to describe in words, but for a great example, think how a grandfather would tell his World War II stories. It'll let you get things off your chest while looking strong.
Alright that was funny.
As for the last few statements, you think putting on a face and looking strong makes you so? It doesn't. I say cry, vent, and let it all out. Heck wallow if you need to. Do so in private if you want. Just stop pretending smothering your emotions under pesudo-stoicism makes you strong. Being able experience your emotions fully and still take care of business does.
As for the last few statements, you think putting on a face and looking strong makes you so? It doesn't. I say cry, vent, and let it all out. Heck wallow if you need to. Do so in private if you want. Just stop pretending smothering your emotions under pesudo-stoicism makes you strong. Being able experience your emotions fully and still take care of business does.
I never said that men had to be stoic or hide their emotions all the time. I just said men weren't supposed lean on women for emotional support; that is, on women they already attracted or hoping to attract. Because such actions will instantly kill all existing attraction, and chances of sex along with it. Men get a pass for emotions/crying during serious tragedies, like losing a home in a natural disaster or a loved one dying from an illness, but that's about it. By and large, men's emotions have no place in attraction.
Men can cry, vent, wallow, etc., but in private. Be it alone, on online forums, or with a very trusted friend. Heck, even in therapy, if one has $300 to burn and understands that most therapists are as helpful as talking to a wall. But men absolutely cannot lean on women for emotional support.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 12-29-2018 at 03:47 PM..
I never said that men had to be stoic or hide their emotions all the time. I just said men weren't supposed lean on women for emotional support; that is, on women they already attracted or hoping to attract. Because such actions will instantly kill all existing attraction, and chances of sex along with it. Men get a pass for emotions/crying during serious tragedies, like losing a home in a natural disaster or a loved one dying from an illness, but that's about it. By and large, men's emotions have no place in attraction.
Men can cry, vent, wallow, etc., but in private. Be it alone, on online forums, or with a very trusted friend. Heck, even in therapy, if one has $300 to burn and understands that most therapists are as helpful as talking to a wall. But men absolutely cannot lean on women for emotional support.
Good lord.
No, see, there is a thing most people learn in the schoolyard, but only if they actually have good and nurturing relationships with SOME other human beings in their lives. I mean, if your Mom was bad for you or bad to you, maybe I can grasp why you don't comprehend this basic thing.
The key is, when we express our emotional troubles, we make ourselves VULNERABLE. Lemme ask you a thing. You're somewhere in the world, a guy. You spot an attractive woman. She launches into a diatribe that makes you feel as though someone attached tow chains to your soul and dragged you kicking and screaming into a tar pit. Tells you all about her horrible ex, and every horrible thing he ever did, and her Mom's cervical cancer and how her cat is vomiting because it's depressed and her job is wretched and Mercury is in retrograde, and she just unloads on you.
Is she still attractive?
I mean really how desperate do you have to be, to go home with that person you just met who talked like that?
Point being, that when you just met someone, making yourself excessively vulnerable (crying, displaying uncontrolled emotion) is uncomfortable, and even more to the point, expecting a total stranger you have no particular attachment to, to want to give you comfort and care, is ridiculous. It isn't weakness putting women off, it's this self-centered idea that you can go to a complete stranger just because she's female, or to someone with no emotional bond or reason to give you support, and you can USE them for it without their consent. With nary a thought of whether they would choose to be spending their time listening to your woes.
The internet of course is different...if I didn't want to listen to your problems or offer feedback, I wouldn't be here. I obviously have consented to do this for whatever reason of my own.
But if you are in a relationship with a woman, she is your person, she has chosen to be there for you and you for her. That's part of the point of the whole exercise. So it isn't weak (or more realistically an imposition) to share your troubles with your partner. Though optimally it should go both ways, not just one person forever unloading on the other, and never taking a turn at the listening part.
When it comes to men with their male friends though, opening up like that is being vulnerable, and some guys can be that way with their guy friends, especially if they know their buddy has suffered the same and they can commiserate. But in some settings, making yourself vulnerable will get you attacked or abused. If your friends, for instance, are bullies. And especially if you aren't really all that close.
Really the important thing is not gender, it's making sure you are being appropriate in who you choose to open up to. And by the by, women need to bear that in mind to some degree, too. I had a coworker who would cry and throw tantrums and be all emotionally out of control at work, which isn't really appropriate behavior at all, and she no longer works here. She made everyone, other women included, feel very uncomfortable. None of us signed on to deal with her stuff.
I had met a few guys in the early stages of my separation that have told me that they had no interest in being friends. They felt like they have been used in the past for emotional support but didn't feel like they got anything out of it.
I have no interest in being friends with a woman. If I provide emotional support and do not receive sexual intercourse, I feel like an emotional tampon. I do not wish to feel like an emotional tampon. I make it very clear in my interactions with women during my personal time that I am looking to have sex with them.
Now, on to the primary question. Men can get emotional support from other men. I need to express my feelings at times. Ideally, I would like to express my feelings to a woman with whom I regularly enjoy sexual intercourse. If that's not possible, then my options change. I can go to a male friend. I could go to a male relative. I could go to a female relative. I could go to a psychologist or psychiatrist. I'd most like to go to a male friend or relative, then a psychologist/psychiatrist if the problem is so big that I don't think I can resolve it without professional help.
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