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Well, there is the idea of companions. Where a man and a woman are friends while travelers, or co-learners, or bonded by events in both their lives. You see this in television shows, movies. The CBS television show Elementary, a Sherlock Holmes re-do with the character "Joan Watson", replacing "John Watson". The most important aspects in companionship between any two people are a mutual caring about each other and the safety of each other as people...
In my experience, it actually tends to be the other way around. Guys are usually a lot more at ease and open about their emotions around their male friends than around women, because we think women will judge us or find us less attractive if we show vulnerability.
It helps, though, if we're not attracted to the woman in question, so we can truly see her as a friend and not a potential romantic interest.
What I could never really understand is....how a lot of women that have this "he's just trying to get into my pants" way of thinking that I feel that's over done. As if they are some how tying that to him ONLY wanting a one-night stand pretty much and not a meaningful relationship. This could be a thread unto itself in a sense.
It's rather hyperbolic in a sense or blown out of proportion.
What I could never really understand is....how a lot of women that have this "he's just trying to get into my pants" way of thinking that I feel that's over done. As if they are some how tying that to him ONLY wanting a one-night stand pretty much and not a meaningful relationship. This could be a thread unto itself in a sense.
It's rather hyperbolic in a sense or blown out of proportion.
I remember hearing "just because he has sex with you doesn't mean he loves and will never leave you" and "guys only want one thing" a lot growing up. Girls hear this crap a lot in their youth. Guys are painted as unemotional horn dogs allergic to romantic relationships.
I have lived the past few years pretty much without any emotional support. With family and friends it is available but not something I want. I am not the type to let my inner feelings out even with family.
With my male friends who I have known since childhood I have almost never opened up what is deep inside. In my experience its just not something men do except in rare moments. Getting a "hug" from a male friend would feel just totally awkward. Spilling my guts about it would make me feel like I am burdening them with something they can do nothing about.
With female friends it is not awkward at all. Let the philosophers figure out why that is. But even with them I keep most of my feelings to myself.
Husband goes to his small group of men class at church a few weeks ago. Comes home. Me: did you eat anything? No. Have coffee: No. Watch a video: No. Study a book together: No. What did you talk about: "why men don't talk about stuff together. Seriously!
I remember hearing "just because he has sex with you doesn't mean he loves and will never leave you" and "guys only want one thing" a lot growing up. Girls hear this crap a lot in their youth. Guys are painted as unemotional horn dogs allergic to romantic relationships.
Take that as you will.
As a man, I honestly think that's true for a lot, if not most, of us. Not that we're averse to ever settling down, but that sexual attraction to someone and desire for emotional closeness to them are totally separate things for us, and they don't correlate that strongly.
I would never just leave one of my girlfriends abruptly without a good reason, and if I felt like the spark between us was being lost, I'd try to rekindle it. But I wouldn't be doing that because us having sex formed an unbreakable spiritual "bond" between us. I'd be doing it because, intellectually, I think it's sh***y to just leave someone when you get bored of them after they've poured all that effort into the relationship. And if I wasn't being sexually satisfied, yeah, I'd turn to **** without a second thought.
I had met a few guys in the early stages of my separation that have told me that they had no interest in being friends. They felt like they have been used in the past for emotional support but didn't feel like they got anything out of it. These were guys that i was thinking about having a casual relationship with and hearing them talk like relationships were a point system was very off putting, and i didn't even care about the emotional support.
Who really wants to be a rebound person, man or woman?
I have found though, that if a guy is able to clearly mark a woman as "OFF LIMITS" in his mind, and form a platonic interaction with her, then he can sometimes open up to some exchanges of giving and receiving emotional support.
I'd say it's been that way with the men in the two big communities I've been part of. In my time in the first, I was married and they all knew it. We socialized at a level of "one o' the guys" but if one of those men wanted to share problems with me, or I wanted to share problems with him, it wasn't a big deal. And hell, when this one dude that we were all close to died, we all leaned on each other to grieve. Nobody made that weird.
In the community I am in now, I'm partnered and everyone knows my guy. I have stated the parameters of my relationship many times in many places, so everyone knows that I'm "taken" and there's no point in pursuing me. But still some of those men will open up and share with me, and hear me when I need to share. No one is misunderstanding it as an offer of anything that it's not.
But I can say one thing... For the most part, this whole "Listening to you is emotional work and I don't want to do it unless we can have nookie, too" is baloney...EXCEPT...there are women who just go on and on about their problems and never stop, it's hard to get a word in edgewise, and they don't listen. Then it's very one-sided. It IS work, just to stand there hearing them without wanting to flee into the night. But the prospect of having sex with one of these women...well, guys, if you're still game after hearing hours' worth of her litany of woes, then go you, I guess. I like women, too, but that sure doesn't get ME interested in sex.
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Seriously!
