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Old 12-22-2018, 06:00 AM
 
1 posts, read 454 times
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This year, I got to know a person who has been diagnosted with borderline personality disorder. We were good friends for about 2 months or so, but then problems started emerging.


First, he had a job that he hated in a big company doing simple and stupid assembly-line work.He didn't have any job education (being 19 years old) and nothing in-sight. Through his job, he developed a strong depression and was ill for some months. We talked about his job and how much he hates it, but at the same time, he wanted to apply for the local garbage collection team. Saying that this would not make him happy he replied "I don't care about happiness, I just want the money". A few days later, he got tattooes of a sick note and two alarm clocks on his leg, one with something like "6:20" and a middle finger (the time he needs to get up in the morning), and one with like 16:50 and a thumbs-up (the time his job ends). So, obviously, he hates his job, but doesn't care about it in his actions either.



He once tried to apply to a job where I work as the same thing I work as. So I thought I may help him with my experience getting into an apprenticeship at that place. I encouraged him to write an application, but he just didn't do anything. Then, I started to write an application for that job for him, just needing him to fill out personal details (like the school's hes been to and so on). That could have easily been done in about 15 minutes. But he never did. One time, we even met up for finishing this, but instead of just concentrating for those 15 minutes, he invited "friends" that didn't care about his job in any way and found this work too boring to continue, so we had to cancel it. Instead of continueing to work on that problem, he found it more useful to smoke his bong at that evening.



When asking about the status, he always told me he'd "do it later", but now, it's too late and he never did anything.


I study philosophy and for me, philosophical thinking has solved many problems. So I introduced him into some concepts, and he always pretended to understand what I'm talking about. But in reality, he didn't. But he denied that.



He also has a girlfriend. A clever, young girl that he draws down very much. She still goes to school, but due to his manical behaviour, she get's bad grades and misses out on a lot of stuff.


So... I strongly discourage that behaviour. But the first problem arised when I told him that "becoming a dealer" to get money is not a very good idea, and also, graffiti-spraying across the town isn't either, especially if you do it in the front of your own house. This led him to a crisis, ignoring me since and screaming at his girlfriend.


His girlfriend (who is reasonably intelligent) wanted to meet up with me to talk about all this, but she moved it again and again. After two months of moving the talk, I got fed up with it and wrote her all of this stuff in an email (like I did here, but more personal and friendy, of course). Then, she broke down mentally and he sent me a message that he's done now with everything and angry at me. No clue what happened between them, because now, both don't talk to me anymore.



Suddenly, it's all my fault, not his, of course, just because I'm very open when I care about people and I hate censoring myself in important topics (like, that the idea of being a drug-dealer is not a good one).



I'm in a terrible situation here. Telling him that his life-choices are bad drives him crazy, makes him angry, scream and destroy things and relationships. But not telling him leads to a lifestyle that destroys his life in any way possible.


Should I just accept that his life is doomed and go on with mine? Or should I invest more time in this? Was it wrong to tell him directly?



Why do people think it's ok if he screams and shouts when he wakes up and sees that he has 3 emails (nothing bad in those mails, but just having 3 (!) new messages on his phone made him cry, scream etc.) and that this cannot be critiqued, though having some reasonable critique of his decisions and lifestyle etc., makes me a terrible person? Why do people in his environment think that only he has the right to be annoyed, but noone else does? Is "borderline" really an excuse for all of this, because I personally do not accept this as an excuse for everything, but just as a part of an explanation for some of the behaviour.



I don't get this. I really wish that I would have never known this guy, and in the future, I'll tell everybody straightly what I think and if they cannot cope with it, they're surely not the right person to be befriended with for me.
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Old 12-22-2018, 06:07 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,181 posts, read 35,697,872 times
Reputation: 62415
Yes, you should accept that his life is probably doomed, and disengage totally from him.
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Old 12-22-2018, 06:13 AM
 
Location: Tar Heel State
331 posts, read 122,518 times
Reputation: 724
It's probably best to let this friendship go, OP. Your friend has issues beyond your ability to mend them. Trust me on that.
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Old 12-22-2018, 06:25 AM
 
Location: Central New Jersey
2,258 posts, read 860,248 times
Reputation: 3984
Lookin to catch the big kahuna eh
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Old 12-22-2018, 09:32 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
26,620 posts, read 5,624,086 times
Reputation: 29758
Your post does not describe BPD. They are not manic. This is more of a story you dreamed up for your first post???
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Old 12-22-2018, 09:39 AM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA
14,969 posts, read 11,933,997 times
Reputation: 16445
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
... and disengage totally from him.
Yes. Sorry, but once you read up on BPD....please, disengage in some way...maybe
they will even advise you how best to do that in articles you find.
This is a severe mental illness, so sorry, like sweetdreams said, too.
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Old 12-22-2018, 10:10 AM
 
Location: Central IL
14,915 posts, read 8,321,710 times
Reputation: 34927
Disengage unless you want to get "drawn down" like you say his girlfriend is. Be glad he never submitted an app - do you really want people at your work to know you put in a word for him when it blows up - as it inevitably will given what his tattoos tell you about his opinion of work.
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Old 12-22-2018, 10:17 AM
 
Location: Middle America
36,433 posts, read 41,537,922 times
Reputation: 50024
Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
Your post does not describe BPD. They are not manic. This is more of a story you dreamed up for your first post???
You are thinking of bipolar, most likely, not borderline personality disorder.

Manic episodes are not diagnostic criteria for borderline...they are associated with mood disorders, not personality disorders.
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Old 12-22-2018, 10:30 AM
 
1,590 posts, read 727,020 times
Reputation: 8623
Quote:
Originally Posted by FedericoAngst View Post
This year, I got to know a person who has been diagnosted with borderline personality disorder. We were good friends for about 2 months or so, but then problems started emerging.
...

I study philosophy and for me, philosophical thinking has solved many problems. So I introduced him into some concepts, and he always pretended to understand what I'm talking about. But in reality, he didn't. But he denied that.
...

His girlfriend (who is reasonably intelligent) wanted to meet up with me to talk about all this, but she moved it again and again. After two months of moving the talk, I got fed up with it and wrote her all of this stuff in an email (like I did here, but more personal and friendy, of course). Then, she broke down mentally and he sent me a message that he's done now with everything and angry at me. No clue what happened between them, because now, both don't talk to me anymore.
...

Suddenly, it's all my fault, not his, of course, just because I'm very open when I care about people and I hate censoring myself in important topics (like, that the idea of being a drug-dealer is not a good one).

I'm in a terrible situation here. Telling him that his life-choices are bad drives him crazy, makes him angry, scream and destroy things and relationships. But not telling him leads to a lifestyle that destroys his life in any way possible.

Should I just accept that his life is doomed and go on with mine? Or should I invest more time in this? Was it wrong to tell him directly?
You're not in a terrible situation. You are putting yourself there for a person you say you were acquainted with for a very short time. I assume this is not a family member or someone you have been charged with responsibility for.

If you want to mentor someone, put your efforts into someone who desires your assistance that will be open to your "important topics" and guidance.
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Old 12-22-2018, 10:37 AM
 
Location: Middle America
36,433 posts, read 41,537,922 times
Reputation: 50024
To the OP, borderline personality disorder, of all the personality disorders, tends to have some of the most drastic impact on individuals' lives and the lives of those around them. It's very difficult to maintain relationships with people affected by this disorder, as impaired relational stability is one of the diagnostic criteria.

Unfortunately, borderline personality disorder is extremely resistant to treatment. In order to make any improvement at all, specialized treatment is needed. DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is the main evidence-based treatment that has been shown to be effective with borderline personality disorder. The doctor responsible for most of the development of this treatment, Marsha Linehan, is in fact a person with borderline personality disorder herself.

As an acquaintance of a person with borderline, there isn't much you can do, except study up on the disorder, and make peace with the fact that the behavior you are observing and experiencing from the person is part of the disorder. The things you are telling him are not really serving any purpose (except to further alienate him from you and make you frustrated because you feel he isn't listening to what you are telling him or is discounting it). What you write indicates that you may be personally enmeshed in his personal life, which isn't really very healthy, and isn't going to have any positive outcome, most likely. Your post reads as if you are taking his behavior personally, and it isn't personal. He's mentally ill.

If you WANT to be his friend, you need to do so with the understanding that this is part of who he is, and decide if you can deal with that, and get only as close as is healthy. If you don't want to try to maintain a friendship with someone who has extreme barriers like this, that is certainly understandable. But at this point, you seem to have placed yourself in the middle of something that is really out of your league. You are not going to be able to affect this person's behavior, and that seems to be important to you.
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