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Old 01-05-2019, 03:02 PM
 
Location: San Antonio
3,265 posts, read 9,419,716 times
Reputation: 4947

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sad_hotline View Post
The internet has allowed me to read a lot of anecdotes from women on how threatened/harassed/menaced men can make them. About how they need to tell their friends/family where they go, how they need to always have an escape plan, how they cross the street if they are alone and a man is walking towards them, etc.

Is this (planning around the possible threat of an aggressive male) a universal part of the female experience?

As a young man, it's really jarring to hear, as I rarely worry about my safety. Is there a change you would like to see in men, in general?
Yes, pretty universal.
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Old 01-05-2019, 05:16 PM
 
Location: Forest bathing
1,409 posts, read 776,521 times
Reputation: 3230
Yes, as a female, I learned that I could be a victim. It pays to have situational awareness. I have tried to teach that to our daughter. I wasn’t always careful about choosing dates as I should have been in my late teens and was almost raped at one point. That was the turning point. It was frightening.

I am married to a wonderful guy who also taught our daughter that men can be sensitive and kind, but also strong and protective. I know many men as acquaintances and can talk with them easily. I used to work at an oil refinery before women were a larger part of the workforce. There was some aggression and chauvinism but it was usually from outside contractors. I just did my job and avoided those who were jerks.
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Old 01-05-2019, 05:30 PM
 
Location: Forest bathing
1,409 posts, read 776,521 times
Reputation: 3230
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn View Post
I just talked about this yesterday with a dufus guy friend of mine!

He thinks cuz I'm attractive and single I am different than his wife, 69....and have to be more careful.
I said, "A woman can be fat or thin, pretty or not, old or young (old is even worse) and they are a target for anything...purse snatching, car jacking in the parking lot...let alone the sexual stuff."

I mentioned to him, I tell the cashiers if they say, Thank you and 'my first name'..."It's ok you did that, but if there was a man right there standing in line...not good."
My friend had no IDEA why I do that...I said they can follow you outside, call your name
...and now they've got you....you have stopped and turned and you have NO idea what will happen next.

Oh the stories I have!
I have been on the alert since college.
An elderly woman who lived alone in farm country was raped and murdered by a young migrant farm worker in her own home. That still haunts me although it happened long ago. He was caught and afaik is still imprisoned.
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Old 01-05-2019, 05:45 PM
 
Location: 2 blocks from bay in L.I, NY
1,633 posts, read 1,319,188 times
Reputation: 2567
Default C-D said

Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
You’re a man. Do YOU do most of those things?

It’s so nice for you guys to stop by a thread asking for answers from women to tell us that 1) “not all men are perpetrators “ (duh and no one said they are) and 2) women cause their own threats by anticipating them.

The BS just never ends.
City-Data says: "You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to BirdieBelle again".
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:12 PM
 
Location: 2 blocks from bay in L.I, NY
1,633 posts, read 1,319,188 times
Reputation: 2567
Default Just brought back memories of my girlhood

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
Hm...

I had far, far more grown men...of all kinds...various races, ages, apparent socioeconomic status...perv on me when I was like 12-16, than I ever did in all my years after that, from 17-39. Way, way more. It was the only time in my life where I'd say that I couldn't leave the house without feeling I needed to worry about men. And that was whether I was in a bad neighborhood or a good one. Again, even men who looked totally respectable, middling income, middle aged guys, really men of all sorts, were all about it when I was 12-16.

Frankly, I think some guys are just drawn to the appearance of vulnerability. When I started carrying myself like a bad-arse, and learned how to avoid eye contact, it all settled down a lot.
OMG, it's like you've lived my life! This represents my experience 100% except it started for me age 10-15. Like you this, the behavior came from men regardless of their race, income level, or respectability factor. It also happened regardless if the man was with his wife or girlfriend. I think the wife/girlfriend didn't see a problem with it because women don't imagine sex with a child so they'd never assume their significant other does. They probably though he was just staring at a "kid (girl)" because the kid happens to be in line of vision. The staring/leering made me walk a difference way so that I wouldn't have to pass him or them, change the path I was already on when I saw him/them, etc.

Initially it was puzzling to me because I was knew nothing about sex, had not even developed a woman's curves yet (was flat chested and no curvaceous hips) and yet adult men were the number one demographic ogling and eyeing me. What did they find interesting about me? I instinctively hated it even though I didn't know then what I know now. Knowing what I know now, they were lusting and imagining engaging in sexual acts with a flat-chested undeveloped young girl. Terrible but this is the reality of living in a spiritually fallen and corrupt world.
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Old 01-05-2019, 07:00 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
4,058 posts, read 3,059,549 times
Reputation: 12179
Quote:
Originally Posted by sad_hotline View Post
To be honest, I am not much in a position to affect change. When I walk at night and see a lone woman I usually cross the street, and when I talk to women working in retail/food service I avoid small talk (I guess a lot of men hit on women working in this sector). Beyond that, not much, but maybe one day a moment will arise that necessitates intervention.
You are already doing a lot just by being thoughtful about it, and by not taking it personally if women are wary or defensive in these circumstances. Another useful thing you have the power to do as a male is to be a voice of reason on the topic among your friends and family. Often guys will listen to other guys where they might not listen to a woman. Even just a simple "not cool, man" or whatever when someone makes a misogynistic remark can have a positive effect.
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Old Yesterday, 12:43 AM
 
5,159 posts, read 2,327,417 times
Reputation: 13157
Cautious vs paranoid. Fine line given the location or social entourage...

My perspective is simple...with equality .....most are suspect . How I chose to engage or not...is where wisdom and intuition come about.
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Old Yesterday, 01:03 AM
 
13,166 posts, read 12,769,512 times
Reputation: 37976
I want to say I don't really live in fear of assault, but I think some of my instinctual habits that I adhere to are possibly due to being a woman and maybe a man wouldn't do the same. My doors are always locked when I am home, and people who don't do this boggle my mind, though I have plenty of friends who think I'm nuts. I always have a well-trained dog that terrifies the bejesus out of people. Right now it's a Catahoula-pitbull cross that I know would be perfectly willing to bite if someone came into my house uninvited. I don't jog at night, even though that would be the most convenient time. I've mastered the art of brief, disinterested eye contact when walking down a street alone at night - you know, that glance that says "I see you and I've registered your face." And the rest of the time, I'm scanning around me. I park under street lights. My cell phone is always with me. I don't even think about these things - they are just stuff I do. Would I just do these things reflexively if I did not grow up knowing that the most likely threats from other human beings will come from a man? I dunno.

But I also experienced sexual assault on the grounds of the prep school I attended in a way that did not threaten me physically or make me fear for my life but was intended mainly to humiliate me. I was groped on a train full of commuters while I slept. These things have sort of told me that sexual assault isn't something that necessarily happens when you walk into a bad neighborhood or get tipsy at a club. There are always people looking to take advantage of you when you are vulnerable has been my key takeaway. You can take the obvious precautions, but short of living in a hermetically sealed bubble, there's always going to be moments when you are vulnerable if you're a woman. Same for guys, but women experience this at a much greater rate, and usually at the hands of men.
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Old Yesterday, 07:29 AM
 
3,371 posts, read 1,860,846 times
Reputation: 3783
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nonchalance View Post
I'd like them to actually become men again.
I would like that too. There's a massive problem within masculinity. Threads like these are part of the problem. Threads like these reinforce the notion that all masculinity is toxic and that men are bad.

There's been a problem for decades. For the last 40 years, the United States and other Western nations have done a poor job in raising boys to become men. For 40 years, we've been obsessed with females, self-esteem, and other non-masculine things that masculinity has been ignored. Masculinity is good.

Fathers are a big problem here. Starting with Baby Boomer era fathers, fathers have done a bad job. Fathers have been either absentee, or the present fathers didn't know how to teach their sons to face the challenges of an era where men are 2nd class citizens. When fatherhood isn't valued, and fathers are marginalized, masculinity is marginalized.

The culture needs a mindset shift away from toxic masculinity to one that appreciates masculinity. Threads like these are actually toxic, not masculinity. Threads like these enforce ideas that men are bad. Yes, there are some bad apple men, but for the most part, a lot of men are good men, and a lot of men have been trampled upon by a lot of women.
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Old Yesterday, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Raleigh NC
5,330 posts, read 4,700,406 times
Reputation: 13413
Quote:
Originally Posted by sad_hotline View Post
The internet has allowed me to read a lot of anecdotes from women on how threatened/harassed/menaced men can make them. About how they need to tell their friends/family where they go, how they need to always have an escape plan, how they cross the street if they are alone and a man is walking towards them, etc.

Is this (planning around the possible threat of an aggressive male) a universal part of the female experience?

As a young man, it's really jarring to hear, as I rarely worry about my safety. Is there a change you would like to see in men, in general?
Nope...I know a gazillion women who don't have to walk around in fear.

There are two kinds of those...those who have legit reasons to feel threatened, and those who don't yet act as if they do for some reason (usually psychological, and who are we to judge?)
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