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Old 01-11-2019, 09:57 AM
 
151 posts, read 119,571 times
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That's why it's best to not have sex at such a young age. It was probably the guy. In the future trust no one.
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Old 01-11-2019, 12:48 PM
 
566 posts, read 947,791 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatUneed View Post
I certainly wasn't his first, though that doesn't mean he wouldn't brag about it. But the rumors could have actually created themselves: when people heard that our relationship lasted over 8 months, someone says: "they had sex... probably" then that spreads as fact and voila! But, then again, there were some more detailed rumors: "she gave him a **" and "they did stuff in a car", etc. Can those details really be speculated?
Yes, those details can be speculated - it's how most teenagers do it since it is the most common privacy you get at that age.


If not, it's most likely the ex. Even if he didn't outright tell them anything, pointed questions without denial is usually enough. Apologize to your friend, think about how defensive you'd get if someone falsely accused you of betraying them.
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Old 01-11-2019, 12:53 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
21,805 posts, read 23,174,446 times
Reputation: 46459
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
17 years old? You think people are talking about how long your relationship was, if you "did stuff" in a car, or had sex with a guy? What kind of school is this, where any of that would be unusual or interesting?

Why would they care, don't they ever do those things? Of course they do, this is a really weird problem to have. IMHO.
Right, nobody ever wants to have their private lives broadcast to strangers, but big picture, this is not really an issue. Outside of high school, most (if not all) couples you've seen out and about have done the deed, so while it's not something you necessarily want announced, it's no secret and no big deal.
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Old 01-11-2019, 03:06 PM
 
2,436 posts, read 905,236 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatUneed View Post
I think to better understand this, you need some backstory: so a few months ago, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 8 months. I told 3 people about it: my sister and my 2 closest friends. Somehow, word got out about it around school. I'm trying to find out who spread this rumor. Obviously, it wasn't my sister: she's older than me and has no connection whatsoever to my school (and also because I trust her 100%). That leaves my two friends and that boyfriend who is now currently an ex.

Now, I'd like to focus on one of those friends. She's one year younger than me (I'm 17), let's call her F1. I've known her for not very long, so I'm suspicious of her. She interacts the most with the school kids. She's the one who informed me about those rumors. Today I called F1 over to my house. I made sure it was a calm environment so she didn't feel stressed out or anything. I left her the impression that I just wanted her to come over and hang out. When she did, I acted same as usual, made her some coffee, etc. Then I asked her if she maybe told someone, even accidentally. She denied it, said why would she do that. I asked her if she was sure, she said she's sure. I think throughout the conversation, I made her verify it 4 times. She got defensive after the 2nd time I asked, even got a little offended that I even thought that, her main argument was: Why would I do that, why would I tell anyone. She even blamed my ex, saying she's sure he did it, since he interacts with the people she heard those rumors about me from.

While we were talking, I don't think she babbled much. F1 was mostly defending herself, she certainly felt a little uncomfortable. She said she's not good friends with those people anymore, she defended me when she heard bad things from them about me. She started discussing who it could have been.

Out of this information, can anyone tell me if F1 was lying or not? She did seem to be repeating: "why would i do that?" but it could be because i was also repeating my question.

And I know what you're thinking: there's a great chance it was the ex who did it. I agree with you, but I haven't talked to him about this face-to-face yet. I've texted, but he said it's nothing to brag about to those people. Even while we were together, before I had lost my virginity, the same bunch of people told him I'm pregnant. He also suggested the rumors were created by themselves and nobody actually betrayed me.

I certainly wasn't his first, though that doesn't mean he wouldn't brag about it. But the rumors could have actually created themselves: when people heard that our relationship lasted over 8 months, someone says: "they had sex... probably" then that spreads as fact and voila! But, then again, there were some more detailed rumors: "she gave him a **" and "they did stuff in a car", etc. Can those details really be speculated?

In a few days I'll talk to him face-to-face as well and do an update if anybody answers my thread. Thank you for reading and trying to help me out!
This is how young women find out that boys and men brag about their conquests and even if they did not conquer they will lie to their peers that they did it with you when it never happened. It gives men status within their culture (#MeToo movement trying to reveal and remediate this culture). That is why women have to be careful about what they appear to do even if it is completely innocent.

Your boyfriend was the one that told them and he did not deny it when his peers asked.
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Old 01-11-2019, 04:06 PM
 
16 posts, read 1,057 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
IMHO what will you do with the information if you ever get it? What will you do if you never find out? You'll still have to face your feelings, and I suspect that's where the more useful effort should be placed. Chances are there are other signs that you shouldn't trust "the tattler" even if this particular tidbit never gets admitted to. Do you really think someone that disrespectful will confess? Are you looking for a justification to get angry with them? To take some sort of revenge? Get pleasure out of seeing them squirm because they've been discovered? People tattle, gossip, and brag. Probably everyone who's ever known another person knows it happens. It's out in the world and no one can haul it back in again. You have to face that and move on.
Yeah I understand all that. I don't want to do anything to them. Just want to cut them out of my life and not make the same mistake..
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Old 01-11-2019, 04:08 PM
 
16 posts, read 1,057 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
17 years old? You think people are talking about how long your relationship was, if you "did stuff" in a car, or had sex with a guy? What kind of school is this, where any of that would be unusual or interesting?

Why would they care, don't they ever do those things? Of course they do, this is a really weird problem to have. IMHO.
Umm idk it's not America People find this stuff scandalous
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Old 01-11-2019, 04:12 PM
 
16 posts, read 1,057 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bondaroo View Post
Yes, this.

Hopefully you learn from this experience. The only one who betrayed you was you.

Also, if your ex-boyfriend wanted to tell people about his own life, then that's his business. Tacky maybe, but it was his experience as well. The only way you can be positive that no one will ever about what your are doing, is to never have interactions with other people. You can choose to be morally outraged that he told someone about what he did, but you will find yourself perpetually outraged if this is your mindset.

n.b. : real, grownup relationships are one in which the people involved can agree to keep private stuff private. Good luck telling a teen they can't talk about their exploits - after all, you did.
I think I agree with you and Steve the most rn
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Old 01-11-2019, 04:48 PM
 
16 posts, read 1,057 times
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Default Update

First I'd like to thank everyone who responded. You have been really helpful. Most of the answers said that either the ex betrayed me, and/or I betrayed myself.

I guess the simplest answer is that I did betray myself. Saying that means I don't care about who told who, because when it comes to blame, the answer always comes back around to me. I accept that, but I do have to clarify that it was never my intention to go apesh*t on that person. I just wanted to know so I don't make the same mistake again. I always saw the big picture, so I understood that in the end this won't really matter.

As for the promised update, I did see him just a few hours ago. He said he told no one about it. One thing I found interesting about the conversation is how he took the question. I asked him if he told anyone, he said he didn't, then I asked him if he's sure, he answered that he's 100% sure he said nothing. We went off topic for a while, then I asked again just before we parted, if he really didn't talk, he still approached it as me asking if he accidentally told anyone, but that could mean nothing and it could be because of the way I asked him the first time.

Idk idk, I really know nothing at this point, I'm just an extremely confused teen. I want to say he seemed sincere and of course my gut never tells me anything in these situations. I want to trust him, but it could be because of previous attachment and old habits.

If any of you have anything to add to this, I'd greatly appreciate it. As you can tell I am in desperate need of guidance.
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Old 01-11-2019, 05:33 PM
Status: "waiting for God," I am female" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: Northern panhandle WV
2,665 posts, read 1,906,514 times
Reputation: 5572
OP:
You say you want to trust him, Ex, but you don't need to trust him he is your EX. Move on, Don't make the same mistake again. Keep your private life private.
Also where are you since you said not America?
By the way, I started having sex at 15, married at 16, had baby while still 16. The upside is I have been married to say guy, first sex partner, for over 50 years now and have five grown children and 3 grandchildren. So it doesn't always turn out bad. I am not recommending this for you by the way, just saying I can understand .
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Old 01-11-2019, 06:11 PM
 
335 posts, read 83,291 times
Reputation: 1091
If a 17 yo guy had sex and didn't at least brag about it to his best friend, it would be like the first time this happened since humans started walking upright.

That being said, I thought of a way to test your girlfriends. Instead of confronting them, you should have told each of them a different, really scandalous "secret" (made up, of course, and easily provable as false, a story which "NO ONE" other than you and each friend knew about). Then, whichever story ended up as gossip in the schoolyard, you'd have your culprit. But I'm pretty sure it was Ben Franklin (or Mark Twain?) who said something like, "Three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead".
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