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Old 01-10-2019, 03:23 PM
 
9 posts, read 417 times
Reputation: 10

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I think to better understand this, you need some backstory: so a few months ago, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 8 months. I told 3 people about it: my sister and my 2 closest friends. Somehow, word got out about it around school. I'm trying to find out who spread this rumor. Obviously, it wasn't my sister: she's older than me and has no connection whatsoever to my school (and also because I trust her 100%). That leaves my two friends and that boyfriend who is now currently an ex.

Now, I'd like to focus on one of those friends. She's one year younger than me (I'm 17), let's call her F1. I've known her for not very long, so I'm suspicious of her. She interacts the most with the school kids. She's the one who informed me about those rumors. Today I called F1 over to my house. I made sure it was a calm environment so she didn't feel stressed out or anything. I left her the impression that I just wanted her to come over and hang out. When she did, I acted same as usual, made her some coffee, etc. Then I asked her if she maybe told someone, even accidentally. She denied it, said why would she do that. I asked her if she was sure, she said she's sure. I think throughout the conversation, I made her verify it 4 times. She got defensive after the 2nd time I asked, even got a little offended that I even thought that, her main argument was: Why would I do that, why would I tell anyone. She even blamed my ex, saying she's sure he did it, since he interacts with the people she heard those rumors about me from.

While we were talking, I don't think she babbled much. F1 was mostly defending herself, she certainly felt a little uncomfortable. She said she's not good friends with those people anymore, she defended me when she heard bad things from them about me. She started discussing who it could have been.

Out of this information, can anyone tell me if F1 was lying or not? She did seem to be repeating: "why would i do that?" but it could be because i was also repeating my question.

And I know what you're thinking: there's a great chance it was the ex who did it. I agree with you, but I haven't talked to him about this face-to-face yet. I've texted, but he said it's nothing to brag about to those people. Even while we were together, before I had lost my virginity, the same bunch of people told him I'm pregnant. He also suggested the rumors were created by themselves and nobody actually betrayed me.

I certainly wasn't his first, though that doesn't mean he wouldn't brag about it. But the rumors could have actually created themselves: when people heard that our relationship lasted over 8 months, someone says: "they had sex... probably" then that spreads as fact and voila! But, then again, there were some more detailed rumors: "she gave him a **" and "they did stuff in a car", etc. Can those details really be speculated?

In a few days I'll talk to him face-to-face as well and do an update if anybody answers my thread. Thank you for reading and trying to help me out!
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Old 01-10-2019, 04:17 PM
 
Location: on the wind
5,031 posts, read 1,941,171 times
Reputation: 17723
IMHO what will you do with the information if you ever get it? What will you do if you never find out? You'll still have to face your feelings, and I suspect that's where the more useful effort should be placed. Chances are there are other signs that you shouldn't trust "the tattler" even if this particular tidbit never gets admitted to. Do you really think someone that disrespectful will confess? Are you looking for a justification to get angry with them? To take some sort of revenge? Get pleasure out of seeing them squirm because they've been discovered? People tattle, gossip, and brag. Probably everyone who's ever known another person knows it happens. It's out in the world and no one can haul it back in again. You have to face that and move on.

Last edited by Parnassia; 01-10-2019 at 04:38 PM..
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Old 01-10-2019, 07:40 PM
 
6,414 posts, read 2,482,037 times
Reputation: 10344
17 years old? You think people are talking about how long your relationship was, if you "did stuff" in a car, or had sex with a guy? What kind of school is this, where any of that would be unusual or interesting?

Why would they care, don't they ever do those things? Of course they do, this is a really weird problem to have. IMHO.
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Old 01-10-2019, 10:32 PM
 
Location: SoCal
2,375 posts, read 2,019,089 times
Reputation: 1957
Honestly at 17 this really isn't a big deal!
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Old 01-10-2019, 10:38 PM
 
73 posts, read 10,069 times
Reputation: 98
It's high school. Have you all forgot?? It's a RUMOR mill.
Sorry that happened to you. Hang in there

It wasn't nice to drill your friend. I'd be mad about the second time, actually maybe the first time you asked. The question is basically saying you don't even trust your friend. Great friend you are. I wouldn't have answered you beyond the first time. please go apologize, you treated your friend very badly.
Who told? It's not rocket science you guys probably slept together. It was probably started by none of the people you listed.

But by someone who just randomly made it up because they do not like you. Someone who isn't fond of you. And everytime a rumor is started, don't run and falsely accuse your friends ok. That is HORRIBLE and may cause a disconnection. I sure wouldn't want to hang out anymore. Again, so sorry this happened. Now go say you are sorry
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Old 01-10-2019, 10:58 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
40,391 posts, read 38,998,665 times
Reputation: 76510
The simplest explanation is the most likely.

Your boyfriend probably did it. The fact that certain details got out is they key. Who has more "motive" to spread those details around?

I would just wait till college to have a sexual relationship. No one will care, and hopefully you can choose a partner who is mature enough not to blab it all over town.
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Old 01-10-2019, 11:36 PM
 
Location: planet earth
3,663 posts, read 1,298,910 times
Reputation: 8061
You will probably never know. I would bet on the ex - but in any case, don't you have other things to think about? Why is this important?

If you feel you can't trust your friend, give it time and observe her behavior and then decide if she's for you or against you.
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Old Yesterday, 01:26 AM
 
5,188 posts, read 2,342,588 times
Reputation: 13236
Sorry to hear of this. Best way to keep a private matter is to not share it. All are suspect once told.

Best way to squash a rumor is to validate the truths and dismiss the conjured falsified data.

Is this about salvaging your reputation ?

Hold your head up...
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Old Yesterday, 02:07 AM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
7,714 posts, read 2,445,674 times
Reputation: 10676
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatUneed View Post
I think to better understand this, you need some backstory: so a few months ago, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 8 months. I told 3 people about it: my sister and my 2 closest friends. Somehow, word got out about it around school. I'm trying to find out who spread this rumor. Obviously, it wasn't my sister: she's older than me and has no connection whatsoever to my school (and also because I trust her 100%). That leaves my two friends and that boyfriend who is now currently an ex.

Now, I'd like to focus on one of those friends. She's one year younger than me (I'm 17), let's call her F1. I've known her for not very long, so I'm suspicious of her. She interacts the most with the school kids. She's the one who informed me about those rumors. Today I called F1 over to my house. I made sure it was a calm environment so she didn't feel stressed out or anything. I left her the impression that I just wanted her to come over and hang out. When she did, I acted same as usual, made her some coffee, etc. Then I asked her if she maybe told someone, even accidentally. She denied it, said why would she do that. I asked her if she was sure, she said she's sure. I think throughout the conversation, I made her verify it 4 times. She got defensive after the 2nd time I asked, even got a little offended that I even thought that, her main argument was: Why would I do that, why would I tell anyone. She even blamed my ex, saying she's sure he did it, since he interacts with the people she heard those rumors about me from.

While we were talking, I don't think she babbled much. F1 was mostly defending herself, she certainly felt a little uncomfortable. She said she's not good friends with those people anymore, she defended me when she heard bad things from them about me. She started discussing who it could have been.

Out of this information, can anyone tell me if F1 was lying or not? She did seem to be repeating: "why would i do that?" but it could be because i was also repeating my question.

And I know what you're thinking: there's a great chance it was the ex who did it. I agree with you, but I haven't talked to him about this face-to-face yet. I've texted, but he said it's nothing to brag about to those people. Even while we were together, before I had lost my virginity, the same bunch of people told him I'm pregnant. He also suggested the rumors were created by themselves and nobody actually betrayed me.

I certainly wasn't his first, though that doesn't mean he wouldn't brag about it. But the rumors could have actually created themselves: when people heard that our relationship lasted over 8 months, someone says: "they had sex... probably" then that spreads as fact and voila! But, then again, there were some more detailed rumors: "she gave him a **" and "they did stuff in a car", etc. Can those details really be speculated?

In a few days I'll talk to him face-to-face as well and do an update if anybody answers my thread. Thank you for reading and trying to help me out!

You were the one who spread the story. A secret is something that is known by only one person.
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Old Yesterday, 09:41 AM
 
Location: Winterpeg
702 posts, read 256,820 times
Reputation: 2875
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve McDonald View Post
You were the one who spread the story. A secret is something that is known by only one person.
Yes, this.

Hopefully you learn from this experience. The only one who betrayed you was you.

Also, if your ex-boyfriend wanted to tell people about his own life, then that's his business. Tacky maybe, but it was his experience as well. The only way you can be positive that no one will ever about what your are doing, is to never have interactions with other people. You can choose to be morally outraged that he told someone about what he did, but you will find yourself perpetually outraged if this is your mindset.

n.b. : real, grownup relationships are one in which the people involved can agree to keep private stuff private. Good luck telling a teen they can't talk about their exploits - after all, you did.
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