Help for dealing with a roommate/friend who ive known for 14 years who has BPD (psychologist, mom)

[Amandapanda88]

Hello all,
This will be rather long because it's a long story and I'd like feedback on how to deal with this.
So I've been friends with two girls for 14 years. Let's call them Tina and Nadeen.
Nadeen I knew had some problems from the start. Her parents were very stupid and did not care or teach her nor her 3 siblings correctly throughout their lives. She was basically the parent of her parents and siblings at the same time trying to learn life herself. This included her learning and teaching methods. She herself will be that person who will try and touch the stove even if you tell her it's hot, but how she interacts with people is more like "I will cook for you so you don't have to be anywhere near the stove". She also has Super low self esteem cause she resorts to food for comfort.

I Tina thought seemed normal, responsible and smart with basically everything she's done ever since I have known her. She just was always over dramatic. She was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. After this, it has just been a roller coaster, let me explain. I do not think that this diagnosis could be accurate.

Me, my sister, and Nadeen had moved out to our first new apartment a year ago. Of course Nadeen isn't a great roommate due to her unguided upbringing, but she's nice if you learn to put up with her behavior. Now Tina decided not to move in with us for whatever reason. It was only recently did we learn she tried to kill herself once already (and a psychologist diagnosed her with some disorder but Tina automatically said later that she "knew they wrongly diagnosed her"). And that apparently it was from my understanding because she wanted attention from her mom who I had just then found out is very very strict and cold towards Tina to the point she doesn't feel like she can talk to her mom nor get her mom to understand her (makes it worse that she's bisexual and her moms die hard Christian). Well, Tina works at a church where she has her best friend and her parents which she considers her parents because they are good to her.

Then 3 months into our lease term, Tina tried to commit suicide again where she was then diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She told us she would bounce from our apartment to her church parents houses. Well that didn't happen, her church parents dropped her at our apartment and Tina just moved right in. We helped her move her stuff out of her evil moms house and she was doing better.

Now, Nadeen as I said before, everyone walks all over her. Nadeen already has a bed where she sleeps in, so Tina decides instead of sleeping on the couch to share the bed with Nadeen. Both of these girls arnt too tiny especially Nadeen, so Nadeen started sleeping on the couch. Now instead of Tina telling her she should have her own bed back, she instead is now sleeping on her bed and Nadeen is still sleeping on the couch. Nadeen thought she's broke, so she started buying Tina food. Come to find out Tina admitted that she's not broke and that she just wanted us to think she's broke. And won't say no to free food.

Tina has a job. One job that she works maybe 2-3 days a week and 5 hour shifts. So because she made the poor decision of only having that one job, she has been using up her savings. This lasted for a few months till she got low enough she needs to find another job. Of course it took lots of pushing from us for her to do so though. But I understand going through something like that is depressing so she may need a kick in the button to start going. She got a job at a very disorganized crazy receptionist position at a spa that paid pretty well. Well she constantly complained about panic attacks and she actually left her shift early and made her boss stay to cover her!!! She quit a few weeks later...

OK so she's broke again, took her a few more months to get another job now that pays minimum wage and shorter shifts. I'm like "great she can now stop complaining about being broke now" and then instead says she's using the money from that second job to pay for finishing her degree...

OK so now you're broke again. I come home and she's taking naps all day or didn't go to work for a few days straight.

At this point every day sometimes multiple times a day, she complains about being broke and how she hates being broke. She never misses a time we go out though. Not to a restaurant, not to a bar, not anything. She's gotten to a point where Nadeen has been buying her food for the past few months that when we go to a restaurant she makes comments like "you going to pay for me or should I?" To Nadeen. Which Nadeen then proceeds to pay for her.

Getting into Tina's disorder she is a psychology major first off. So she read about BPD in her classes lol. There's a psychological thing where if you read symptoms of a disorder that you either think you have it or try to mimic it. She said after she was diagnosed the second time that "she knew that she had BPD".

Now I know what you're thinking is why don't I talk to them about it? Well I've tried over other little things and it didn't go well. If I tell Nadeen something that she annoys me with, she will act like she's 8 and be like "I'll just never do it again and I've told my family all not to come over ever again" kind of response. And Tina will start going like " I'm a horrible person" and proceeds to go into the other room to cry and feel sorry for herself.

At this point I let them to what they want and pray they will someday understand. Nadeen is being manipulated by Tina and Tina is pathetic.

Tina has just gotten worse and worse the closer and closer our lease end gets. She is 15 days late on last months rent (funny thing too was she bought a $60 video game before rent was due lol) Leaves work early. Complains about dizzy spells (lol which conveniently happens in front of Nadeen only) to the point she fell apparently and her heart was hurting. So she starts talking about all these specialists she has to go see like a cardiologist. She even called me when I was sleeping to pick her up at work because she walked there (it's down the street; and btw she has a car) complaining how she can't walk... she walked fine to my car, but Nadeen then got out and put her arm around her to help her walk. Like Nadeen can't see bull crap. Then the next day she stormed into the house slamming doors (BTW I'm sleeping again) and talking about her phone is broken and needs to get a new one cause she brought it in to get checked out (doesn't that cost money to get your phone checked out???) And then plugs in her phone and WOW! her phone works. Then starts complaining about how she's broke again to the point Nadeen and another friend who was there at the time went and bought her food. Honestly she keeps giving her negative reinforcement but Nadeen doesn't understand otherwise so I can't say anything.

OK sooooo our lease is ending in a month and my sister and I don't want to live with her anymore. She needs to go live with her church parents or something. Nadeen says she doesn't want to pay rent for her but then offers for all of us to pay a little more rent for her (which is bull crap and unfair) which worries me. If Nadeen moves with us, I'm afraid she will add Tina to the new lease or have her move in with us or something. Nadeen lies over everything (literally; cause that's how she learned to get her way) so she nodded her head when I said Tina needs to move out but I don't know if she totally agrees.

I'm totally terrible with dealing with personality disorders and I don't want to reinforce negative behavior so I ignore her outbursts and craziness now. I don't know how to tell Tina she needs to move out or move in with her church parents without her going all crazy. And what other things I can do to deal with Tina or even Nadeen for that matter.

I feel like I'm going crazy after dealing with these grown children . They are my friends and I love them and they have their good sides, but I can't even reason with them without something happening.


Thank you for reading and sorry for the long text...


-Panda

[silibran]

At the end of your lease, you and your sister move.

Find another job place and another roommate.