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If you think about your first experiences with love and relationships, you automatically think of your parents. For some of us that didn't have loving parents, falling in love, being in love and showing love is difficult, simply because we dont know what it is or what it feels like. I distinctly remember the only time my father showed any form of love was when he held my hand to cross the road when i was small. They never hugged, never expressed affection, never showed concern outside of what others in the community thought about them.
When i had children, it was very difficult for me to bond with them, i didn't have that instant connection all mothers talk about, i went through the motions of taking care of their needs, teaching them to walk, talk, potty train etc. I worried about them, i wanted to give them the best start in life but i still had an emotional disconnect. But even though i didn't necessarily "feel" it, i still hugged them and loved on them because it was what i wanted when i was a child. It wasn't until my separation that i realized i wasn't "faking" it anymore.
The fact that i ever had to fake it in the first place plagues me with guilt.
When i reflect back on my relationships i knew from an early age that i didn't love like everyone else, i always kept partners at a distance, i always protected myself first and i had partners complain that i wouldnt let them in. This was very true. I still said the words, i still felt the physical connection, i checked the boxes on the good girlfriend/wife checklist, but at the back of my mind i had an escape plan, and i knew if we broke up the next day i would simply move on. It made me feel strong, but it was downfall. My current partner told me that in order to be in a successful relationship i need to be able to love freely and that has been the focus in a lot of my therapy sessions. For me it was definitely a coping mechanism but im learning the bring down my walls.
When i reflect back on my relationships i knew from an early age that i didn't love like everyone else, i always kept partners at a distance, i always protected myself first and i had partners complain that i wouldnt let them in. This was very true. I still said the words, i still felt the physical connection, i checked the boxes on the good girlfriend/wife checklist, but at the back of my mind i had an escape plan, and i knew if we broke up the next day i would simply move on. It made me feel strong, but it was downfall. My current partner told me that in order to be in a successful relationship i need to be able to love freely and that has been the focus in a lot of my therapy sessions. For me it was definitely a coping mechanism but im learning the bring down my walls.
^^ THIS is part of what I was trying to say. Thank you so much for posting!
Last edited by katharsis; 03-12-2019 at 03:08 PM..
First, I am not talking about sociopaths/psychopaths or anyone with severe mental health issues, unless you think that people who cannot love do have a serious mental health issue.
What I am talking about are people who are kind, honest, polite and considerate of others, and who function very well at work and in society and in relationships, but who seem to be incapable of truly feeling love, although they can "go through the motions" as far as saying "I love you" to their spouse, parents, children, siblings, and significant others and giving gifts, cards, etc. In other words, they do what they should do in close interpersonal relationships, but they don't actually feel it. These people appear to not truly care about anyone close to them, except as how it affects them in a practical way. (For example, a divorce or death leading to a worse financial situation.)
I am beginning to think that several people in my extended family fit this description, and I am beginning to think this also might be true of myself because I am beginning to emotionally distance myself from everyone more and more. These family members and I have all had many traumas in our lives, including being very hurt by people close to us, and that might have led to some kind of attachment disorder.
Any thoughts on this?
You may think that until you find another "the one". If you're actively seeking and dating, chances are, you'll find one. If you aren't spending much time seeking, odds are you will think that the partner that hurt you was the only "one", or that there will never be a "perfect" person for you, if that person was a non-partner.
You may think that until you find another "the one". If you're actively seeking and dating, chances are, you'll find one. If you aren't spending much time seeking, odds are you will think that the partner that hurt you was the only "one", or that there will never be a "perfect" person for you, if that person was a non-partner.
Thanks for posting, and I am fairly sure that applies to many people, but the only person that I haven't completely emotionally detached from is my husband. (This was after two divorces, btw, and we have now been a couple for over 35 years.) However, as Ellybelly said, I do have a plan to survive on my own, just in case I ever need it.
Thanks for posting, and I am fairly sure that applies to many people, but the only person that I haven't completely emotionally detached from is my husband. (This was after two divorces, btw, and we have now been a couple for over 35 years.) However, as Ellybelly said, I do have a plan to survive on my own, just in case I ever need it.
It takes a lot to put yourself back out there and start from square 1. Congratulations on 35 years. If I had to pick one person not to be completely emotionally detached from, it would be my spouse.
I have always reasoned: "I don't believe in having only a single soulmate and wondering whether I've missed my boat, but the rarity of the people that truly captivate you will have you believing there's only one, if any at all."
For me, personally, it was absence of closure that left me thinking I should still make efforts to tend to previous relationships. I didn't want it to be over. But getting definitive answers of an absolute end gave me a clear message and "full permission" to allow myself to move forward sans regret. It paid off and now, there's nowhere else I'd rather be.
However, to try to be more clear, in my case, although I did not feel this way earlier in my life at all, now there is no one in my extended family who I would really grieve for if they died. I honestly think I will feel more grief when my pets die then I will when my sister (who has terminal cancer) dies. However, I do feel sorrow when hearing of the death of a child or witness a sad scene in a movie. (Btw, I have had virtually no contact with this sister for over 35 years-- just a few cards and one very short visit -- so she is like a stranger to me now.)
Again, I suspect it is some kind of a defense mechanism that protects me from being hurt (again), but I am just wondering if anyone else can relate to this at all.
Sure...it's hard to talk about because people assume you're a monster...but when I was about 14 my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 6 months to live. My mother was a very cold and critical woman, certainly not motherly in any way. I never recall her hugging me or reading to me or spending any real time with me though she was not physically abusive. She was manipulative and when not the center of attention did whatever she could to ruin any holiday or get together.
I was honestly relieved about the diagnosis and in typical teenager fashion thought it would actually be better for the family because she brought joy to no one and misery to all who tried in vain to satisfy her. I shouldn't have told my dad that...because it really messed up our relationship. In a very strange twist, my mother "recovered" after 5 long mostly bedridden years and was told she was free of cancer. A couple years after that my father ended up dying of cancer himself. My mom was a mess after that and once I got out of college I ended up having to help support her financially which was very difficult. She remained in relatively poor health and died while I was still in my forties. She was also estranged from my sister - a mutual decision. And her passing was somewhat of a relief though she'd mellowed a bit in her later years but was still manipulative.
Most people believe blood is thicker than water but until you've lived though a neglected childhood I don't think people can understand the lack of connection and emotion. I don't expect people to understand it but it is hard being judged by those who had good parents.
However, to try to be more clear, in my case, although I did not feel this way earlier in my life at all, now there is no one in my extended family who I would really grieve for if they died. I honestly think I will feel more grief when my pets die then I will when my sister (who has terminal cancer) dies. However, I do feel sorrow when hearing of the death of a child or witness a sad scene in a movie. (Btw, I have had virtually no contact with this sister for over 35 years-- just a few cards and one very short visit -- so she is like a stranger to me now.)
Again, I suspect it is some kind of a defense mechanism that protects me from being hurt (again), but I am just wondering if anyone else can relate to this at all.
Meh. I don't think that is odd at all, especially if you're over a certain age. I mean, I lost my best friend and her mother (who I was also close to) in a 6-month period when I was 23. That kind of innoculated me against outsized reactions towards the death of loved ones. There's a certain cycle of life. As long as the deaths are not sudden or unexpected, you may not be a teary mess. But I know I think often of the people I have lost and make conscious efforts to remember them. I take comfort from those memories.
When my uncle died of metastatic cancer, I was sad to lose him but I was pretty happy he was dead. Cancer had literally eaten away some of his bones and he was in constant agony that all the morphine in the world couldn't erase. I was not far from DELIGHTED when he passed because he had been suffering for more than a year and it had intensified exponentially in those last weeks. I was horrified that such a good person had been consigned to such suffering in his final days. I shed no tears at the time as I had already cried for him many times, but I still miss him a decade later and think of him pretty regularly.
My grandmothers were in their 80s and 90s when they died. For one, it was an end to a decade of suffering from Alzheimer's and being confined to a wheelchair. For another, a bad fall cut short a drawn-out death from stage 4 lung cancer. I cried some tears for MY loss and then moved on. And again, I think of them often and still miss them many years later.
I think as you get older, you accept natural death as just an inevitable and sad outcome and get on with your own life.
Death of a pet is COMPLETELY different, in my opinion, especially with a dog. First of all, understand that dogs have evolved alongside us and are kind of our evolutionary puzzle pieces if you read a lot of the recent science. Many experts think they took on much of the emotional work that we were doing and allowed our brains to become more efficient. We have a bond with them that we don't have with any other species. And even though a lot of people call their dogs their "babies" or whatever, we expect things of dogs that no functional adult would ever expect of their offspring.
My dogs are with me every waking moment almost - I work from home. They sleep at my feet while I'm typing, curl up against me when I'm in bed, listen to every stupid thought that comes out of my brain, see me at my worst and STILL want to spend time with me and love me above all things. I'd be arrested if I expected any of that from a son or daughter. It's a very intense bond and it's one we can never fully return in its intensity - we are their worlds, while they are just one part of our lives. Further, when you lose a person, you grieve as part of a community. When you lose a pet, you grieve mostly alone. So yes, you may very well grieve more over a dog than a human because it is totally different from a human relationship and should not be judged by the same standards.
It's a different kind of loss. I have no doubt that you would grieve way more if you lost a child than if you lost a dog, but again, that too is a totally different kind of loss than any other kind of loss, imo. I've seen mothers who have lost their children, and it is grief on a whole different scale.
So no, OP, I don't think you're hardened, or sociopathic or messed up in any way. I think you just accept reality.
A family member is facing some very similar issues with her husband. After seeking marital counseling, he was diagnosed with Aspergers (technically Very High Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder). He is 49 years old, a very successful IT executive, very kind guy. But in hindsight, I can see the traits, although they are very subtle. I'm sure someone who lives with him every day sees more.
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