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Are you basing that on something in particular? You really don't know what goes on in anyone's home, marriage, or mind.
I feel like I've grown a LOT since getting married 20 years ago. I mean, I was 20 years old and in the meantime have bought and sold houses, raised children, traveled, gone to school, started a business, and so on and so forth. My husband and I have grown together and I've grown on my own. I wouldn't say that personal growth should or would depend on whether you are married and for how long and how many times. It's personal, which means it happens inside of yourself. Certainly there are external factors, but we all grow and change over time regardless of our circumstances.
I had very similar thoughts after reading the OP.
Look, I believe everyone grows old, not everyone grows up.
And as time goes on I am less and less convinced that external factors are the main reason for this.
Are you basing that on something in particular? You really don't know what goes on in anyone's home, marriage, or mind.
I feel like I've grown a LOT since getting married 20 years ago. I mean, I was 20 years old and in the meantime have bought and sold houses, raised children, traveled, gone to school, started a business, and so on and so forth. My husband and I have grown together and I've grown on my own. I wouldn't say that personal growth should or would depend on whether you are married and for how long and how many times. It's personal, which means it happens inside of yourself. Certainly there are external factors, but we all grow and change over time regardless of our circumstances.
I qualified my statement by saying "I FEEL . . . " - Obviously, I can't know, which AGAIN, is WHY I posted this thread. I wanted to hear what other people's experiences are or what THEIR FEELINGS about the subject are - what there PERCEPTIONS are . . .
I don't really believe in "that one special person" per se, or that you need to find that person to have a long, successful marriage. I actually think that could be an unhelpful assumption to put upon yourself as you go through life.
There's no one perfect friend, or job, or city, or anything. Whatever is put in front of us in life we can either learn from by engaging or, sometimes, disengaging after a period of time.
Actually, many more of the "boring & rigid" people I've come across were single. Some were unconventional, but not in particularly admirable ways. Some were outright strange and rather annoying. Many were cheapskates and overly self-involved. This is not to say that I haven't known some married people like that too, but it has definitely been more prevalent among the singles I've known.
I've had my share of this experience as well. A fair number of my single friends just cycle through the same sort of relationships/jobs/homes/friends and IMHO you don't advance from there.
I'm on my third marriage. We coexist pretty well. I do much more in the relationship than he does. I am fairly invisible to him in my opinion.
Would I marry him again? Heck no! But I made a commitment to him and I keep my word. He has been diagnosed OCD and depressive disorder, two time cancer survivor, now may have ischemic heart disease. He is disabled per the VA. He is 10 years older than me.
If I outlive him, I will savor the privacy and freedom and know I did right by him.
Not all wonderful, but it is the life I chose.
I can, in ways, relate to this. I am on my first and last marriage, whether it works long term on not. Been married 6 years and I definitely wouldn't do it again. Since getting married, the wife's health has taken many turns for the worse. There have been surgeries for endometriosis, a fibromyalgia diagnosis, double knee replacements due to severe arthritis, now possible back and/or shoulder surgery for arthritis there, something going on in her wrist limiting her ability there. All this, and she isn't even 35 yet.
I feel like we got married and immediately went to being caregiver instead of husband. Combined with working a full time job, a part time job, and commuting for several hours each day, I'm simply exhausted and don't have time or energy to care for myself. I never thought marriage would be like this and really don't want a lifetime of being caregiver. But, I'm not a quitter, I don't give up easily. We made the vows and I intent to at least try to stick to them for as long as I can. Just hope it doesn't kill me in the process.
I can, in ways, relate to this. I am on my first and last marriage, whether it works long term on not. Been married 6 years and I definitely wouldn't do it again. Since getting married, the wife's health has taken many turns for the worse. There have been surgeries for endometriosis, a fibromyalgia diagnosis, double knee replacements due to severe arthritis, now possible back and/or shoulder surgery for arthritis there, something going on in her wrist limiting her ability there. All this, and she isn't even 35 yet.
I feel like we got married and immediately went to being caregiver instead of husband. Combined with working a full time job, a part time job, and commuting for several hours each day, I'm simply exhausted and don't have time or energy to care for myself. I never thought marriage would be like this and really don't want a lifetime of being caregiver. But, I'm not a quitter, I don't give up easily. We made the vows and I intent to at least try to stick to them for as long as I can. Just hope it doesn't kill me in the process.
I am so so sorry for you.
Does she have family that can pitch in? Have you spoken to her parents about the strain? It seems to me she may not tell them everything. However, if you ask them for help, they really should do something.
Have you talked to your wife about how exhausted you are? Can the both of you cut down on expenses?
This is one of those times when moving to a lower cost of living area helps. Maybe some place warmer would help her arthritis too. I guess it would depend on if her parents are willing or able to help. If not, I would relocate.
Does she have family that can pitch in? Have you spoken to her parents about the strain? It seems to me she may not tell them everything. However, if you ask them for help, they really should do something.
Have you talked to your wife about how exhausted you are? Can the both of you cut down on expenses?
This is one of those times when moving to a lower cost of living area helps. Maybe some place warmer would help her arthritis too. I guess it would depend on if her parents are willing or able to help. If not, I would relocate.
Her Dad is deceased and she didn't have contact with him for many years when he was around. She had her Mom staying with us for a while helping and that was just pure chaos. I would purposely stay out late just to avoid her and sometimes even slept in the car until she went to sleep. I put up with it because she was helping, but that help came with a lot of drama. They were always arguing, she wanted to pick arguments with me, then she became delusional saying I was stalking her, then it got to the point that she was saying that I was trying to hurt her or kill her. That was enough, we're in a small 2bd/2ba condo - I don't need that chaos in my home. I told my wife either her Mom has to go or they can both leave. My wife understood, her Mom left, they didn't talk for several months, and she soon moved out of state.
Neither of us have family or many friends in the area. Everyone had moved out of the area. We have plans to do the same, but it will be a while to get things together. Thanks for the suggestion though.
I married husband #1 at 18 and husband #2 at age 23, both marriages for the wrong reasons, although I did not know that at the time. I have now been married to husband #3 for almost 35 years.
I learned almost nothing from my marriage to my first husband (who was too introverted and changed jobs every 4-6 months, which is why I divorced him), and I probably would have been better off not marrying him. Husband #2 owned his own business and was a super-extrovert and unfaithful, but at least I learned what I did not want in a marriage.
So now I am 65, and we have been very happy because we are very compatible in all ways (although we have some different interests). If he dies before I do, I would not even consider marrying again, even if I had the opportunity to do so.
Last edited by katharsis; 03-25-2019 at 05:05 PM..
I married husband #1 at 18 and husband #2 at age 23, both marriages for the wrong reasons, although I did not know that at the time. I have now been married to husband #3 for almost 35 years.
I learned almost nothing from my marriage to my first husband (who was too introverted and jobs every 4-6 months, which is why I divorced him), and I probably would have been better off not marrying him. Husband #2 owned his own business and was a super-extrovert and unfaithful, but at least I learned what I did not want in a marriage.
So now I am 65, and we have been very happy because we are very compatible in all ways (although we have some different interests). If he dies before I do, I would not even consider marrying again, even if I had the opportunity to do so.
I've had my share of this experience as well. A fair number of my single friends just cycle through the same sort of relationships/jobs/homes/friends and IMHO you don't advance from there.
I don't really understand what you mean by "advance".
Most married couples I've known don't seem to have much of a life. Work, watch TV and then go to bed. Their friends seem to be the parents of their children's friends or people they work with. A night out many times is a school activity or something with the in-laws.
Lifelong singles I know have nice homes, travel, and have a wide variety of friends. They can have a conversation without mentioning children.
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