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It's a long road and cutting ties, even for a while, can give you enough distance and perspective to work towards letting go, which is all but impossible if the same dynamics play out over and over again. I'm older than you and still working on this last step of letting go of my anger.
I agree that if you have not lived without this most fundamental building block of a loving mother, there is no way you can understand how it follows you through life and colors everything, worst of all your view of yourself. It's insult to injury if your siblings and possibly other family members have been roped into accepting someone else's negative view of you as well; how easily they accept it without question is painful, and frustrating to an extent that would drive you crazy all by itself.
All the smug people who feel the need to write nasty and judgmental replies not just to you, but to a lot of other people with experiences different from their own, I just wonder what they gain by feeling so superior.
Thank you for acknowledging these things. I have no idea what my siblings think of me, but they pretend that I don't exist. I was close to one of them up until 3 years ago, but he just cut me out of his life. He's a nice guy on the surface, very liberal and highly educated, but beneath that he's a narcissist similar to my mum and since overcoming his own battle with anxiety and graduating from university, he's very egocentric and likes to be the joker and centre of attention.
I'm just better off without all of them. I will not feel bad for severing ties, nor will I be made to feel bad.
20 years ago I dated a woman who had two small boys.. "J" was ~10 and "T" was younger... maybe ~7-8 or so.
Long story short, "J" was pretty even keeled. He wasn't perfect, but he was for the most part very well behaved for a kid his age. Meanwhile "T" was an unruly little ****. Now, for some context "T" had an injury... The doctor had yanked him out with forceps when he was born and he didn't have full use of his right arm. Other than that he was very normal, and actually pretty intelligent. In fact, when I first started dating her he was making straight A's in school.
But... He milked his injury for all it was worth and played her like a violin. Many times I saw him start an argument or fight with "J" and then when "J" did anything back to him he would scream "MOM!! He hurt my arm!" as loud and hard as he could and she'd come running. And every single time she would take "T's" side. Without fail - no matter what happened. So "J" was the proverbial red headed step child, or whipping boy. He absolutely couldn't do anything right, while "T" couldn't do anything wrong. He eventually started bringing home bad report cards and it was always because "his teacher didn't like him." That kind of thing..
She and I ended up going our separate ways eventually. Few years after that I found out that "J" and his mother had gotten into it about something and she literally threw him out of the house and he was living in his car. So I found him and let him stay with me for a month or so, and then he vanished.. I had no idea what happened to him.. didn't know if he was alive, or what.
Fast forward several more years and he found me on Facebook and we caught up. Today he is a 30 year old cop, got the New Officer Of The Year award a couple of years ago, has a wife, house, and young daughter, and is living a normal happy life.
Meanwhile his brother "T" is pushing 30 and still lives at home with mommy. "J" is his own man now and doesn't really have any use for either of them - and I don't blame him.
Anyway... My point is, sometimes things have a way of working themselves out. I would not wish what "J" went through for any child... I mean my family was dysfunctional, but I never got the feeling that my parents played favorites.
But after 20 years, all's well that ends well in my opinion. "J" is doing well, and his mother is still taking care of her baby.
Sometimes it turns out that way; the unfavoured child ends up being the one with their s**t together, while the favoured child goes the other direction. In this case, life was fair in the end but I'm sure J went through a lot to get to being the man he is today. In my case, it's been the opposite. I'm the mess and my half brothers are successful , popular and normal on the surface. It's not that I want to take that away from them, but there's a part of me that sees how life could've been different for me, had I had the same chances and support that they benefited from.
While some of your post is true, the rest of it feels like a dig and it seems like you didn't actually read what I wrote, because I never said that I seek my parents approval for anything as I pretty much raised myself. I don't feel sorry for myself, but my childhood and teenage years damaged me. I've been seeing therapists since I was 13 years old, so it's not like I haven't tried that. I'm a bit fed up with the judgments regarding my perceived 'lack of maturity' by armchair therapists who clearly don't have a clue. I'm not looking for pity but I'd hoped to find a few people who can relate.
I can relate. And I can tell you that for me, OP, the angst was much more severe in my 20's and 30's. And at some point you must, and you do disengage from that past behavior - whether or not you stop talking with your family. Once you hit your 40's you really need to understand that if you DON'T take steps, your life will be ruled by that - and unless they were all beating the crap out of you, it is just plain silly to let that happen.
I mean it! My family was pretty messed up but when I stood back and listened to myself telling this to people when I (and they) was in my 40's it became pathetic. You can't sustain the energy needed to keep all that ish going - you have to drop it at some point and move on. This may not be helpful to hear, but it's what you need to do. You are keeping it going by yourself keeping it going.
I cannot forgive my mother for the favoritism towards my 2 younger and better half brothers. It's the cause of my envy of others, of doubting myself and of many of my insecurities. I can't seem to have any kind of relationship with her and my half brothers like to pretend that I don't exist. She is in total denial and won't give me any answers, except to say 'but what have I done wrong? '.
How would you try to resolve something like this when it has systematically destroyed you? I feel that cutting all ties would be the best solution
I don't know what you and your two younger and better half brothers did that made your mother to dislike you and favor the others.
I have six siblings. I considered myself was not my mom’s favorite. She did not like or disliked me greatly. I'm okay with that. But I noticed my mom really favored two of my siblings and disliked the others.
One of her favorite was (past tense because he's deceased) a very good son. He was very gentle and kind to her. He took good care of her until the day she died.
The other of her favorite was a "black" sheep in the family. He (deceased also) smoked like a chimney, drank alcohol like water, and gambled and became a debtor. My mom always covered up for him; and when she did not have money, she asked all of us to help him. Many of us were very tired of this brother and felt resentful of the way my mom to cover up for him and made us to feel guilty if we did not help him.
About the ones that she disliked for some reasons probably because they did not always listen to what she taught, asked or told to do. Of course children don’t always do what their parents teach, ask or tell/request. They have their own mind and opinions. They want to do what they want, and they want to have power too. Back to my mom’s unfavored children, two of them were very resentful about her. But at the end of her life, they made up, and life goes on for the ones who are still alive. I think that’s good because if you keep hatred or grudges in your heart or mind forever, or for a long time, the only one who suffer the most is you.
For me, honestly, I did not really care if she favored me or not. I’ve always been very independent. From very young, I always thought whatever I wanted to have I would work hard to get it for myself. I never expected anything from anyone, even from my mom. She was not rich anyway. I never knew my dad when I was growing up.
Growing up, I learned that all parents favor their children for some reasons. It’s hard to explain. I swore to myself that when I have children of my own, I would do my best to treat them the same.
I believe I raised, taught, treated my two sons quite the same from the time they were born until they were about 15 years old. But they turned out quite opposite. I don’t want to go in details. Just to make it short, one gives me lots of pain. The other does not. Being a parent, which one would you prefer or like better?
There’s a saying “everything happens for a reason”. Long time ago, I did not believe it. I was thinking: “sometimes, something happens for no reason.” But until one day this problem happened to me, then I agreed with the “everything happens for a reason". This new manager really disliked me because although I am very knowledgeable and good at my job and am a hard-working employee, but I’m not a sweet talker. I never brought any treat to her or went to her office to mingle with her or flatter her. Meanwhile, this co-worker, who worked side by side with me, really knew how to make he felt good. Therefore, that manager took some of her duties off and put them on me, even though my workload was quite overloaded already. That manager had a very strong personality and was like a bully at the beginning. I felt so upset and stressed out. I reported the problem to the higher-up. They investigated for sometime. Long story short, the higher-up had helped to solve the problem. I’m happy now.
And talking about bullies, some bullies may target on any victim purposely or randomly. For the random victim, you may say it happens for no reason. But think again, it happens for the reason that the bullies are greedy and mean, and that’s their personality, they just want to bully anyone to get what they want.
Sorry for the sidetrack.
Back to the topic of parents who play favoritism to their children, yeah, now I’ve learned that all parents have favourite children for some reason. If you are not the favourite child, and you want to be, you just have to find way to solve the problem or accept it and forget about your parents. I know it’s easier said than done.
For me, about work, I have to fight for my rights when I know I did not do anything wrong, and I do deserve respect, fairness and support from my supervisor/manager to do my job well.
With my mom, I thought all parents have favorite children. I just did not care much about anything from her. What I needed or wanted, I would work hard to get it myself. I never had any resentment about her. I think it was right that she favored the good son (one of my brothers). For the other (the “black” sheep), I think she had to try her best to help him because most mothers feel guilty not to help their children when they are in troubles.
With my children, now I think I do like one more than the other. I'm trying very hard to not to dislike the other one. I’m praying everyday to God to help me to be patient, to endure the one who gives me pains. One of the posters on here had said “each fruit ripens at the different time”, which really encouraged and enlightened me. Yes, some fruit ripens early, and some other (on the same tree) ripens late.
In the conclusion, you can choose to forgive your mom, let go, and move on or to feel sorry for yourself, to be upset and to be mad at her forever. I think people would feel free and light when they didn’t care so much about their parents’ money, estate, stuff and even “love”.
Last edited by AnOrdinaryCitizen; 05-20-2019 at 11:54 AM..
favoritism can be a way to get attention with "now who will fight over who gets attention from me most?" not either 'favored' child's issue. you might want to ask yrself if it's worth getting attention from a 'divide and conquer' approach to parenting to feel "important".
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CCL, it seems the truth might be somewhere in the middle.
Early in this thread you mention you were a difficult child and a terrible teenager (I think that's a direct quote).
From your mother's perspective, your dad was no longer around and she was forming a new relationship with a new husband and two small boys, who, by your accounting are "better" than you, I guess meaning well-behaved and a pleasure to be around.
We're all only human, and everyone has their struggles. My guess is your "terrible" teen behavior put a significant burden on your mother as she tried to keep the ship on an even keel.
Sometimes, a little distance from the relationship can give you a clearer perspective. I don't think spending your free time reading, playing video games and riding your bike around point to a stolen childhood.
My parent perspective. My intention was not to flagrantly side. Yet my actions said different. Often my youngest was the challenge. Since years have soften the ego..I had to step up and accept my actions. Apologize and hear the younger one out. My sons each have endearing qualities...and it's still my place to remind them that they are each my favorite. They get a kick out of that some days. It was very painful and yes shameful to know I affected them in negative ways.
My mom cherished all her kids...though it was near her last days that she inadvertently made it clear which child she favored. It hurt to hear ....then I quickly realized..as a mom...yeah..the first child does sometimes pave the way for the others to be so loved...my eldest bro was worth opening her heart.. and it grew ..and grew!
I am a twin. I think my mom showed more favoritism towards my brother than me, but I believe my dad showed more favoritism towards me than he did towards my brother.
But all in all I am pretty sure they love us both equally.
CCL, it seems the truth might be somewhere in the middle.
Early in this thread you mention you were a difficult child and a terrible teenager (I think that's a direct quote).
From your mother's perspective, your dad was no longer around and she was forming a new relationship with a new husband and two small boys, who, by your accounting are "better" than you, I guess meaning well-behaved and a pleasure to be around.
We're all only human, and everyone has their struggles. My guess is your "terrible" teen behavior put a significant burden on your mother as she tried to keep the ship on an even keel.
Sometimes, a little distance from the relationship can give you a clearer perspective. I don't think spending your free time reading, playing video games and riding your bike around point to a stolen childhood.
I was difficult because I was acting out. I felt alone and like no one was listening. I never felt like I was part of their family and those feelings were quite justified when I found out the truth about my stepdad. I struggle with expressing myself even now and can often only do so in writing, but back then, I struggled even more and I was more prone to meltdowns, which were interpreted as tantrums. My mum turned the other cheek when her husband was cruel to me. There are other things that I will never forgive her for and she doesn't think she's done anything wrong, which is what makes it worse.
I'm throwing in the towel anyway. If only there was a thing where adults could get adopted by older adults who just want an adult parent-child relationship. I would have loved to have had that with my own parents, but it wasn't meant to be.
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