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Old 05-19-2019, 12:34 PM
 
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
248 posts, read 41,471 times
Reputation: 103

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I know this part doesn't matter and most people think MBTI is hogwash, but I know a lot of it does describe how I feel. I am an ENFP with some ENTP tendencies (I enjoy arguing, and getting a rise out of people, which is apparently a common ENTP thing) who also has very severe ADHD, and a history of sexual trauma...I can't get naked in front of other men because I freak out (due to the situation I was in), so I always have to go change in the bathroom. I think this also makes me associate sex with caring and love (but not in a healthy way), because I've felt in the past that if someone didn't want to be sexual with me, even if we had been only talking for a few weeks, that they didn't like me. I also watch too much porn, which is obviously awful, and I've probably watched it since I was 12. Longest I've gone without watching was 2-3 months, I think. It doesn't matter too much but physically, I've been told I'm decently attractive (7.5/10, maybe). I don't think so, but I've always been told that.

I have a few friends...not many, but a few. My best friend (ESFJ) would die for me, and I'd die for her. She's really the only person to stick with me through everything, even the time I was convinced I wanted to marry her. Luckily, I'm past that point and we're best friends now. I'm an ******* to her, but not in the way that I want to hurt her. I think that I tease her a lot (in good fun...I never mean what I say) as a defense mechanism, which obviously does not excuse the behavior one bit. I have another best friend (who is 4 years younger than me, and an INFP) who I don't make fun of, and we mostly just snapchat without words, though we occasionally say things and share feelings. We care deeply about each other, obviously...though just about anyone could become my best friend, I'm not picky.

I pretty much never fit in anywhere...I'm awkward and impulsive with what I say and that has gotten me into trouble at work. I wouldn't be surprised if I have Asperger's syndrome or something and was just never told about it. A lot of the time, I'm sure I'm right about stuff and then am proven wrong. I try to rationalize things I do, though I also am willing to own up to my mistakes. If I'm arguing, I admit when I am wrong and the other person raises a point that tears apart my own argument, when some people would fight harder.

I am also open to having my opinions changed in arguments, though I also have a very strong set or morals I stick to. I am able to make people in large groups (think 30+ people) laugh with quick wit and funny comments and I never mind having the spotlight on me, but in smaller groups of people, I am not so good at making people laugh. I am a bit of an attention wh*re, always trying to make people laugh or smile. It seems I do a lot better hanging out one on one with people and the second I'm in a group of people (even 3 people is a crowd for me), I feel completely drowned out of any conversation I'm in and just feel totally irrelevant and worthless, leading me to say more shocking or stupid things to get attention.

I was bullied as a kid, and even my mother made fun of my voice which I am very self-conscious about today, and having a speech impediment doesn't help. I can't use intercom when I worked customer service jobs and have trouble talking on the phone with people I don't know.

Sometimes I think I'm a sociopath or narcissistic, but then I remember that I am capable of caring for others and do care about others, which makes it far less likely. A lot of the time, I've given up hope of ever actually having a group of people love me and care about me...I've dated people, but have never been in a long term relationship. In fact, the one relationship I ever had was about a month, and when we broke up, the person said they just liked the attention I gave them. I think part of the reason for my failure in relationships is I give 110% into romantic relationships and am a bit of a hopeless romantic...I was so clingy when I was younger I sometimes purposely wait to answer texts from people who I'm romantically interested in and psych myself up about that sort of thing (in a bad way). I would definitely say I have an insecure attachment type (parents got divorced when I was 8, my best friends pretty much all moved away when I was young in life and I never kept contact with them, etc.) I also flirt with basically any girl I find attractive (this is a common ENxP trait and I certainly fully live up to it.) I'm also not afraid of approaching a girl in person and asking them out, which is certainly a good trait to have. I've pretty much given up all hope of ever getting married or finding someone who would actually love me for who I am, which is very depressing to me. I am a very giving person...I got a large payout from a medical malpractice settlement which I blew through quickly, to my parent's and I's embarrassment...but before I did, I donated a good portion of it to various causes. I have seen homeless people on the street, taken them to the grocery store and spent every dollar I had in my wallet getting them food ($100 or so) and have given them the coat off my back in 15 degree weather, literally. I still love to help people and am quick to get the door from someone, let them cut in front of me in line, pick up something off the floor they dropped and forgive debts owed to me ("Hey, can you buy me a coke from the gas station, here's some cash"..."Here's your cash back, don't worry about it, it's on me"). I have an issue where I feel like people will only like me if I give them gifts and stuff, though when it comes to small stuff like that, I don't do it for that reason.

I'm also a bit of a "doomer"...I basically think the world is doomed and that most people are [Mod cut.] until they prove otherwise, and the second you're my friend, you have proven you're not Mod cut.. I'm also forgiving...to a fault...I'll forgive people I shouldn't have forgiven, then later, blow up at them and kick them out of my lives after I've finally given them enough chances.

I really want kids...didn't until about half a year ago, and then baby fever hit me hard...I already have names picked out, in fact.

Sorry for my pinball way of writing this post, impulse/ADHD and the fact that I seem to make weird connections between things doesn't help.

TL;DR: I'm always awkward and can never seem to say the right things, and I'm a [Mod cut.] on top of that, which leads to feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and depression.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 05-20-2019 at 01:27 PM.. Reason: Inappropriate language.
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Old 05-19-2019, 12:54 PM
 
Location: on the wind
6,634 posts, read 2,697,954 times
Reputation: 22630
Have you ever talked about any of this with a professional? Not like anything's going to happen quickly. There's a lot to untangle here and no one here will be able or should try to do so.
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Old 05-19-2019, 12:56 PM
 
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
248 posts, read 41,471 times
Reputation: 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
Have you ever talked about any of this with a professional? Not like anything's going to happen quickly. There's a lot to untangle here and no one here will be able or should try to do so.
I have been to a counselor for a bit, mostly after I had the revelation about the sexual trauma (I didn't tell a soul for over 11 years...considering I'm 22, that's a long time. I lied to cops who asked me questions at school about it, etc.) and broke down and told my best friend. I feel like it didn't help that much.

I have a hard time talking with counselors.

I think a small part of the reason for me posting this is also just me wanting to get it off my chest.

Last edited by CuriousAboutRussia; 05-19-2019 at 01:08 PM..
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Old 05-19-2019, 04:14 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,385 posts, read 41,147,999 times
Reputation: 81332
That's a LOT to sort through, especially for a non-professional.

I agree that you would benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy. It can take time and a few tries to find a good therapist.

Diagnosing you from here is impossible, and I agree that there are probably some things at work inside you that you need medical and therapeutic help with.
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Old 05-19-2019, 04:31 PM
 
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
248 posts, read 41,471 times
Reputation: 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
That's a LOT to sort through, especially for a non-professional.

I agree that you would benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy. It can take time and a few tries to find a good therapist.

Diagnosing you from here is impossible, and I agree that there are probably some things at work inside you that you need medical and therapeutic help with.
I understand that. I'm not a point where I can do therapy, not because of monetary implications, but because I have no way to get there.

I wasn't really looking for professional opinions or full on therapy in a forum, people charge for that. More so, I was looking for:
A.General reassurance that I'm not a completely Mod cut. human being and that I'm not doomed to be like this for my whole life.
B. Venting space...city-data isn't the best place for this, but at least I know I'm heard
C. General advice.

Ya, I know I sound kind of desperate / pathetic seeking reassurance.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 05-20-2019 at 01:29 PM.. Reason: Language.
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Old 05-19-2019, 04:56 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,385 posts, read 41,147,999 times
Reputation: 81332
The problem is that if you have something diagnosable then you could "be like this" for the rest of your life if you don't get it named and get some help with coping skills, medication if applicable etc.

In other words, you may not be a ****** human being but through no fault of your own you could certainly come across as one.

We could offer you suggestions one by one for the examples you mentioned, but not knowing if you're also dealing with something like autism, OCD, reactive attachment disorder, etc really makes it all moot.

Some would say the fact that you're here asking this question proves you're not a completely ****** person.
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Old 05-19-2019, 05:13 PM
 
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
248 posts, read 41,471 times
Reputation: 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
The problem is that if you have something diagnosable then you could "be like this" for the rest of your life if you don't get it named and get some help with coping skills, medication if applicable etc.

In other words, you may not be a ****** human being but through no fault of your own you could certainly come across as one.

We could offer you suggestions one by one for the examples you mentioned, but not knowing if you're also dealing with something like autism, OCD, reactive attachment disorder, etc really makes it all moot.

Some would say the fact that you're here asking this question proves you're not a completely ****** person.
I've never heard of reactive attachment disorder, actually, though I don't think it really describes me.

I actually am on medication already...I was diagnosed as bipolar (maybe uni polar depression, as I don't really have manic episodes)...Lamotrigine and Bupropion.
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Old 05-19-2019, 05:17 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,385 posts, read 41,147,999 times
Reputation: 81332
Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousAboutRussia View Post
I actually am on medication already...I was diagnosed as bipolar (maybe uni polar depression, as I don't really have manic episodes)...Lamotrigine and Bupropion.
That would have been super helpful to include in your OP.
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Old 05-19-2019, 05:20 PM
 
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
248 posts, read 41,471 times
Reputation: 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
That would have been super helpful to include in your OP.
I'm sorry. I didn't think of putting it in for some reason...I very rarely get super depressed like I did before I started the medication. Which is obviously a good thing
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Old 05-19-2019, 05:42 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,385 posts, read 41,147,999 times
Reputation: 81332
Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousAboutRussia View Post
I'm sorry. I didn't think of putting it in for some reason...I very rarely get super depressed like I did before I started the medication. Which is obviously a good thing
No apology necessary.

It's just good to know all the mitigating factors before we start offering suggestions.
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