U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-03-2019, 10:14 AM
 
6,325 posts, read 3,583,841 times
Reputation: 22131

Advertisements

It is a good distinction. When I think of rage I also think of anger that has been repressed and built up for a long time until it has reached unmanageable proportions. Or like TR says, it hasn't been regulated.

Someone explained it to me once like this:

You have a bag you carry around with you. Certain things make you angry but for some reason you don't deem it necessary to express your anger or can't so you stuff it in the bag. This goes on and eventually the bag is stuffed full. The next time something makes you feel anger you dump the whole bag out on someone's head. They're like, "Whoa! Where did that come from?"

I like that word picture.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-03-2019, 10:24 AM
 
Location: Middle America
36,674 posts, read 41,959,223 times
Reputation: 50568
Well, and anger can be completely manageable and expressed healthily. It's a problem when the expression of anger itself, when done so in a manner where everyone is safe, within an appropriate context, etc. is itself seen as problematic.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2019, 11:39 AM
 
6,325 posts, read 3,583,841 times
Reputation: 22131
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
Well, and anger can be completely manageable and expressed healthily. It's a problem when the expression of anger itself, when done so in a manner where everyone is safe, within an appropriate context, etc. is itself seen as problematic.
It's a common thing, isn't it? I was just trying to imagine walking into a living room full of relatives on either side of the family and simply stating that I was angry. Other than a few members I can think of who would react very matter-of-factly I believe that most would have a unnecessarily strong reaction.

I wonder if this is a global problem for women and not unique to American culture. The hand that rocks the cradle should be steady and gentle?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2019, 05:28 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,915 posts, read 14,406,502 times
Reputation: 30861
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
True, true. Feeling like you have permission to say you are angry might lead to more comfort in talking about the hurt.

It helps if you can say "I am angry now" without raising the voice or waterworks. That's been a trick to learn for me but I have noticed that even in dealing with customer service people or others I may not know that it gets their attention really well and isn't passive-aggressive or abusive.

It had been such a habit to wait until the tears or the rage started before I expressed anger. I've noticed with family members they tend to be a little tone deaf to a neutral sounding expression of anger.. Much like a child who's been conditioned that you don't have to obey until Mom is screaming we have to recondition those close to us to hear a "quiet" expression of anger.

I did that by requesting change, explaining what my course would be if change was not forthcoming and then following through.

At some point, perhaps after requesting change, I could feel relieved enough of the barrier of anger to be able to tell the other the deeper underlying and vulnerable feelings that told me a change was needed.

But it isn't always necessary to explain why. We have the right to reserve that information as private. We don't need to have an excuse for any feeling we have. We might be misinterpreting information but we still get to feel what we feel. (That's a whole can of worms by itself!)
They tell young kids who get frustrated and act out, to “use your words.” I think saying we are angry and why we are angry is better than yelling or saying unkind things. I also think that we tend to express anger the way it was modeled for us. My mother got royally angry frequently. I learned this behavior. I suppose my mother learned it from her parents.

I don’t get as angry now. But when I do, I’m going to try and remember to “use my words.”
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2019, 05:54 PM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
8,925 posts, read 13,676,605 times
Reputation: 11593
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clarallel View Post
This seems on the verge of changing.


I Used to Insist I Didn’t Get Angry. Not Anymore.
By Leslie Jamison

The phenomenon of female anger has often been turned against itself, the figure of the angry woman reframed as threat — not the one who has been harmed, but the one bent on harming.

The notion that female anger is unnatural or destructive is learned young; children report perceiving displays of anger as more acceptable from boys than from girls... People are more likely to use words like “bitchy” and “hostile” to describe female anger, while male anger is more likely to be described as “strong.” Men are more likely to express their anger by physically assaulting objects or verbally attacking other people, while women are more likely to cry when they get angry, as if their bodies are forcibly returning them to the appearance of the emotion — sadness — with which they are most commonly associated.

For the whole article:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/m...sultPosition=1
"A 2016 study found that it took longer for people to correctly identify the gender of female faces displaying an angry expression, as if the emotion had wandered out of its natural habitat by finding its way to their features. A 1990 study conducted by the psychologists Ulf Dimberg and L.O. Lundquist found that when female faces are recognized as angry, their expressions are rated as more hostile than comparable expressions on the faces of men — as if their violation of social expectations had already made their anger seem more extreme, increasing its volume beyond what could be tolerated."

Mod cut.

Last edited by PJSaturn; Today at 07:00 PM.. Reason: Political commentary.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2019, 07:18 PM
 
Location: Central IL
15,253 posts, read 8,548,360 times
Reputation: 35688
Anger has its place and can be expressed appropriately. I have no problems with being angry while maintaining control and "using words" to explain the issue. Anger can be due to frustration, hurt, disappointment, many things and certainly can be legitimate. Anger can be a good motivator and a catalyst for taking action.

If we are supposed to care when we hurt other people's feelings why is it okay to write off when we anger others? It takes two to tango and if anger occurs it means a conversation also needs to occur, at least to determine if either party wants to take further action and address it. We can take the attitude that if someone is angry that's THEIR problem though if you expect to maintain some kind of relationship with the person you'd do well to figure out what if any part you play in that interaction.

I've noticed that some people shut down in reaction to any behavior they interpret as anger. Even emphatic discussion (slightly animated) that isn't full of foul language, isn't threatening in any way, doesn't consist of yelling, etc. is characterized as an argument or a fight. Then they simply refuse to interact...I suppose if that is their prerogative they've unilaterally shut down any communication and imperiled any future relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2019, 09:29 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,696 posts, read 4,731,975 times
Reputation: 28233
I'm angry right now. I want to cry, I'm so frustrated. It doesn't matter if I keep my voice low and try to express what I'm feeling calmly. No matter what I say or how I say it, I will not be heard.

Quote:
I've noticed that some people shut down in reaction to any behavior they interpret as anger. Even emphatic discussion (slightly animated) that isn't full of foul language, isn't threatening in any way, doesn't consist of yelling, etc. is characterized as an argument or a fight. Then they simply refuse to interact...I suppose if that is their prerogative they've unilaterally shut down any communication and imperiled any future relationship.

Yes, exactly that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-04-2019, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,915 posts, read 14,406,502 times
Reputation: 30861
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
Anger has its place and can be expressed appropriately. I have no problems with being angry while maintaining control and "using words" to explain the issue. Anger can be due to frustration, hurt, disappointment, many things and certainly can be legitimate. Anger can be a good motivator and a catalyst for taking action.

If we are supposed to care when we hurt other people's feelings why is it okay to write off when we anger others? It takes two to tango and if anger occurs it means a conversation also needs to occur, at least to determine if either party wants to take further action and address it. We can take the attitude that if someone is angry that's THEIR problem though if you expect to maintain some kind of relationship with the person you'd do well to figure out what if any part you play in that interaction.

I've noticed that some people shut down in reaction to any behavior they interpret as anger. Even emphatic discussion (slightly animated) that isn't full of foul language, isn't threatening in any way, doesn't consist of yelling, etc. is characterized as an argument or a fight. Then they simply refuse to interact...I suppose if that is their prerogative they've unilaterally shut down any communication and imperiled any future relationship.
I like this post!

I agree that anger has its place, and that it can be a catalyst for action. Anger has, on occasion, given me the adrenaline to accomplish something fast. Or, it has motivated me to change something. I mean anger can give me quite a surge.

If we are supposed to care when we hurt other people's feelings why is it okay to write off when we anger others? . Exactly. Certainly we will anger some other people. That is why apologies were invented.

People who shut down during intense interactions, even when no one is manifesting anger, are afraid. For some reason, passion, intensity, and/or emotion are threatening to them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-04-2019, 10:09 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,162 posts, read 54,630,432 times
Reputation: 66601
Because I'm known as a mellow person in general (once described as someone who could get along with a cockroach), when I do get angry, people take notice.

I had a boss who ran the department with an iron fist. Staff sometimes secretly likened her to the Meryl Streep character in The Devil Wears Prada. She was particularly hard on men, and my assistant manager was a younger man whom she was watching carefully.

One day she called in another manager for whom my assistant did some work and me to tell us we had to crack down on my assistant because he wasn't doing what she thought he should be doing. She was completely wrong. This guy was working long hours, answering emails and phone calls from home, and going way above his pay grade. He was sharp as hell and knew more than I did about the type of project we were working on because he had researched it on his own time.

I told her in no uncertain terms that she was being unfair and why. I could see the other manager out of the corner of my eye, bug-eyed and mouth open in shock that I was challenging her. She shut up and backed off and agreed that since I worked with him more closely, I must be right.

Months later, in another setting, someone was behind me waiting patiently for me to move so that they could access a file area. Someone noticed and said "Do you need to get through?" The person said, "Yes, but I didn't want to make MQ mad." Another person laughed and said they didn't think it was possible to make MQ mad, at which point my Devil director said, "You don't EVER want to make MQ angry. It's SCARY."
__________________
Moderator posts are in RED.
City-Data Terms of Service: http://www.city-data.com/terms.html
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-04-2019, 11:56 AM
 
Location: Central IL
15,253 posts, read 8,548,360 times
Reputation: 35688
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
Months later, in another setting, someone was behind me waiting patiently for me to move so that they could access a file area. Someone noticed and said "Do you need to get through?" The person said, "Yes, but I didn't want to make MQ mad." Another person laughed and said they didn't think it was possible to make MQ mad, at which point my Devil director said, "You don't EVER want to make MQ angry. It's SCARY."
And that's a good reputation to have - you're not constantly flying off the handle but saving REAL anger for when it's important. Walk quietly but carry a big stick (and use only when necessary)!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top