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I'm having a hard time with my family. My father wants nothing to do with me after a falling out a couple years ago. Prior to this, I was his favorite. He felt I was choosing my partner at the time over him. He also felt I had been intimate with my partner way too soon. Over 2 years later though I have made several attempts to communicate, he refuses.
I get the distinct feeling my sister enjoys that I'm not the favorite anymore- even enjoys the fact my father won't even speak with me. She seems to like to rub it in my face, especially recently. ("He doesn't like you anymore. He's so affectionate with me" - two different conversations. Same week.) She communicated with me regularly (I live in a different location from my family) but all she wants to talk about is my romantic interests (it feels nosy, as though she thinks she's entitled to the information.) and my 2 most recent exes- likes to laugh at them. True, they were pretty bad choices but it's boring already, can you not talk about something more intelligent, something going on in the world?) Somewhat my fault too as I play along as in some situations I am very easy going and accommodating.
The other night she, as usual, wanted to control the conversation. I had a little more to say about the guy who recently stopped contacting me. She wanted to hear about new men so she told me I was boring. I let that slide. Then she goes in to a long very boring story about her co worker (whom I don't even know) and how the lady blocked some guy after giving him her number on an online dating site. I told her I found that boring and I ended our conversation. She now does not text and ignored the text I sent her the following day. (Just a cool picture of where I was.)
I'm really starting to resent my family. Starting to resent my parents put her in charge of the will. Only my mother is good to me. At least there's one. My parents btw are old- my father is in his 80s. I'm not going to keep attempting conversations and sending cards. But I do feel bad. Not trying to sound like a victim, just don't know how to let it go, how to feel. So strange to develop "daddy issues" as a mid 40s woman. (Probably had a little prior to this as my father was never around. He worked hard but also had many affairs from my teenage years and probably before, definately after. I confronted him when he was with someone right in front of me a few years back. Yes he's still married to my mother. No he didn't admit to anything. I ended up apologising to keep the peace.)
Thoughts?
Last edited by Idkeither; 07-27-2019 at 06:49 PM..
Don’t tell your business to your sister. She is probably telling what you say, possibly with embellishment, to your parents.
Draw boundaries around yourself with people who don't have your best interests at heart.
IMO, you could ask your father why he is unhappy with you. You could ask him how you could repair the breach. It may be that he has been told something that is not true.
If he refuses to talk to you, or he tells you something you know is untrue but does not believe you when you tell him this, I think you have to understand that the relationship is broken. In that case, I recommend seeing a counselor to learn how to think about this. I am sure being in this situation would be painful, so talking it through with a counselor would be helpful to you.
But you won’t know what the problem is if you don’t ask him.
Don’t tell your business to your sister. She is probably telling what you say, possibly with embellishment, to your parents.
Draw boundaries around yourself with people who don't have your best interests at heart.
IMO, you could ask your father why he is unhappy with you. You could ask him how you could repair the breach. It may be that he has been told something that is not true.
If he refuses to talk to you, or he tells you something you know is untrue but does not believe you when you tell him this, I think you have to understand that the relationship is broken. In that case, I recommend seeing a counselor to learn how to think about this. I am sure being in this situation would be painful, so talking it through with a counselor would be helpful to you.
But you won’t know what the problem is if you don’t ask him.
Good luck.
Thank you. I am clear what the problem is- my father thinking I chose my partner at the time of the falling out over him. (That's why we had the falling out.)
I have not asked what I can do to repair it. I could try that in a last attempt. But I would also state that it is a last attempt. The ball would 100% be in his court after that.
I won't share my business with my sister at all when / if she comes around.
My ex-dad cheated on my mom, for the third time in 2014. He froze my mom/brother/me out of his life (at this time). He got removed from the home for trying beat up my sister. I used to be his favorite too and he had a strong relationship with us for years.
We placed a restraining order on him, moved out of state, and things were fine until I lost I lost my stepdad. My sister did not shed a tear when he passed away. It is the worst death that we ever went through.
My sister coerced us to move by her. Mom caved in and that set the stage for where I'm at today. She had another kid that she can barely take care of, went back to work too soon (works in an office, totally spoiled), bullies us around (no contact with her, no holidays with her either). At least I got a job and got it easily. My sister has been incompetent since she was in high school. My brother-in-law (thank God) keeps her in line, but she is even worse now, than ever before.
First, OP, when you're an adult you're supposed to put your partner/spouse before your birth family.
Second, your father is -- not to put too fine a point on it -- a controlling scumbag. You apologized for seeing him with another woman?! And now you want to patch things up because he got mad when you dared defy him?
He refuses to communicate with you because he wants you to come crawling back on your hands and knees.
It's not too late to resolve your tangled feelings about all this. Sometimes it takes a few decades away from home before the fog (fear, obligation, guilt) clears and it becomes apparent how twisted and sick the home environment was. Your sister is a part of that, and at this point I'm guessing a willing participant. Your mom is a part of that, too.
Wow. I see from the responses other people go through family things too- not that I wasn't aware of that. It's weird how family dynamics play out.
My dad is definitely a controller. My mom just goes with the flow. Accepted this is life, this is the family dynamic. She knows it's messed up but I think she learned a long time ago not to fight it, not worth it. My mom doesn't work. That's how things can be when someone is a stay at home parent. Money = control. Different generation.
I decided I'm accepting it too, you don't want to talk to me? Well, you're missing out. I was and am a good daughter. At least my mom knows that.
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I Can Relate to the OP
