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Old 07-06-2019, 10:40 PM
 
106 posts, read 37,571 times
Reputation: 115

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I was transitioning from male to female for less than two years between 2016 and 2018. For the last year I have been effectively living as a man, despite having changed my name (this causes me a lot of difficulties). However I am finding it very difficult to go off HRT and officially change my name back.

If I go off HRT I will have burnt my bridge to do this unless I move to a different city. Despite not really wanting to be a woman (most of the time anyway), there are tremendous side effects to quitting. I will start going through effectively a second male puberty due to my body not being used to testosterone any longer. I will grow more body hair than before and I may masculinize rapidly. I thing I have always harbored phobia of aging (especially potentially going bald) and this was a huge factor in deciding to transition. I also know I have already changed my body irreversibly and sometimes, I admittedly, like looking in the mirror and seeing a more feminine version of myself.

So even though I mostly decry my initial decision I am stuck in a state of paralysis over how I'm supposed to present myself and how I'm supposed to live my life. I still have some gender dysphoria which will never go away but I am causing myself significant pain by not acting. I spend most of my time battling confusing thoughts and I really just want to start the next phase in life (hopefully and most likely a better one) in earnest.
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Old 07-06-2019, 10:50 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,142 posts, read 41,752,473 times
Reputation: 82836
Quote:
Originally Posted by mistermaggie View Post
I was transitioning from male to female for less than two years between 2016 and 2018. For the last year I have been effectively living as a man, despite having changed my name (this causes me a lot of difficulties). However I am finding it very difficult to go off HRT and officially change my name back.

If I go off HRT I will have burnt my bridge to do this unless I move to a different city. Despite not really wanting to be a woman (most of the time anyway), there are tremendous side effects to quitting. I will start going through effectively a second male puberty due to my body not being used to testosterone any longer. I will grow more body hair than before and I may masculinize rapidly. I thing I have always harbored phobia of aging (especially potentially going bald) and this was a huge factor in deciding to transition. I also know I have already changed my body irreversibly and sometimes, I admittedly, like looking in the mirror and seeing a more feminine version of myself.

So even though I mostly decry my initial decision I am stuck in a state of paralysis over how I'm supposed to present myself and how I'm supposed to live my life. I still have some gender dysphoria which will never go away but I am causing myself significant pain by not acting. I spend most of my time battling confusing thoughts and I really just want to start the next phase in life (hopefully and most likely a better one) in earnest.
Your thread title made me think you were actually feeling paralyzed on part of your face.

You must be seeing a psychologist as part of all this.
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Old 07-06-2019, 10:55 PM
 
5,406 posts, read 2,330,862 times
Reputation: 14962
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Your thread title made me think you were actually feeling paralyzed on part of your face.

You must be seeing a psychologist as part of all this.
I thought that too.
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Old 07-06-2019, 11:33 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,832 posts, read 14,341,548 times
Reputation: 30663
I am not sure how many posters at City Data have transitioned.

I found a (possibly) better online resource for you.

https://gendercentre.org.au/resource.../transitioning

I really have no advice or thoughts. I have not walked the path you are walking. I do want to wish you well.
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