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Old 07-13-2019, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Rutherfordton,NC
14,531 posts, read 9,111,893 times
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I would personally hear the truth then a lie itís easier to deal with.
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Old 07-13-2019, 04:22 PM
 
Location: on the wind
7,221 posts, read 2,975,208 times
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Sometimes it comes down to timing. Lies and truth have their appropriate moments and their inappropriate moments. Both can be brutal, both can be kind. Just like the intentions behind them. A lie that spares someone's feelings isn't always a bad thing. A malicious lie may feel good temporarily, but if the truth comes out later it won't feel good then. Telling the truth without any regard for the person who needs to hear it cause hurt for a very long time. Telling the same truth at the right moment takes compassion and hurts a lot less.
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Old 07-13-2019, 04:39 PM
 
6,231 posts, read 2,889,593 times
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Adding salt to a wound, helps how?
My ex was in a position of medical opinion. He worked to get his psych license. I supported his goals. Yet in the cross fire came his constant diagnosis of all that is 'wrong' with my being. If that was his loving truth it was not well received. Calling a person neurotic or degrading them to the point of questioning sanity is abusive. Stop . Just stop.
Every caring 'friend' I have shines a candle on my flaws and says...ultimately that quirk is your asset. One friend said, Nov3 you are too trusting. Yet that trust is what made us good friends. You trusted me when others wouldn't. So really..your flaw ..made us friends.
So OP, unless the persons 'flaw' jeopardizes them or ppl nearby ...try to with hold tongue.
Try empathy...it's the one ingredient that makes a truth filled statement more digestible.
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Old 07-13-2019, 07:03 PM
 
8,098 posts, read 6,026,484 times
Reputation: 5750
Quote:
Originally Posted by jbtornado View Post
I'm noticing when I have problems with people. And I speak or text the truth to them of the matter of what is going on or why I believe they act the way they do, It makes them much more angry than if you make up a lie or say something generic like "they are toxic or gross"

Example A.. I met someone ten years ago and we had a decent chemistry. After a while issues came out with both of us.. It was on again and off again next years (mostly off) Then when I finally confronted them on the core reason for them acting up I told them it was the loss of their mother at a young age.. Never before have I seen them so angry and them calling me "toxic" and "terrible" And they kept telling me I was the bad one and I'm not changing., While its likely true I do dig too much and do try to figure things out. If you'd just admit to me thats the reason and be comfortable with it.. We'd likely be better off but I think things are done.. Its too bad they never properly addressed this and likely take this burden out on others too. Maybe one day I can hope

Example B: I called out someone for lying to me then they make up lies about me. This person and I have never been close again as a result too.

Example C: A friend of mine who has drinking issues and I tell them they do, Luckily when they are in a better mood they may admit to it at times.. But if we are not in a good mood or debating or fighting.. Its not pretty..

Is this a personality flaw of mine? I think to understand people best I need to figure out WHY they act the way they do. If I dont understand that, I dont feel like I know the person or they are hiding things from me which is more disturbing to me than openly admitting "Hey I have so and so issues"

I've told more people lately than ever about my anxiety issues for this. I'm far from perfect..

Just give me your general opinion here. e
As for A, they probably felt like you were using something as an attack. Kinda like a "low blow."

As for truth hurting more than a lie. Not always.
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Old 07-13-2019, 07:51 PM
 
3,600 posts, read 1,405,343 times
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"Just give me your general opinion here."
generally, lies work better.
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Old 07-13-2019, 10:09 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,301 posts, read 522,553 times
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There are always two sides/opinions to every story, OP - and it sounds as though you are putting more weight on yours as Ďtruthí; and when someone disagrees or doesnít Ďacceptí your version, it automatically means denial on their part (when, in fact, it is simply disagreement).
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Old 07-14-2019, 10:23 AM
 
15,436 posts, read 4,081,982 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jbtornado View Post
Is this a personality flaw of mine? I think to understand people best I need to figure out WHY they act the way they do. If I dont understand that, I dont feel like I know the person or they are hiding things from me which is more disturbing to me than openly admitting "Hey I have so and so issues"

I've told more people lately than ever about my anxiety issues for this. I'm far from perfect..

Just give me your general opinion here. e
People do not want to hear or face the truth......that is, the vast majority of people.

This would seem evident.

The second part of this is "what good will it do anyway"? If people change their behavior it's not usually because you told them YOUR OPINION of what the truth is.
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Old 07-14-2019, 11:54 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,301 posts, read 522,553 times
Reputation: 1181
Quote:
Originally Posted by craigiri View Post
People do not want to hear or face the truth......that is, the vast majority of people.

This would seem evident.

The second part of this is "what good will it do anyway"? If people change their behavior it's not usually because you told them YOUR OPINION of what the truth is.
Exactly - we have to value our relationship or friendship with the person in order to value their opinion. If someone is not valuing your opinion, it likely means there isnít a friendship from that personís perspective (rather than an issue of Ďtruthí).

Lies absolutely hurt more than truth, in my opinion. Most people do not prefer to be told lies - I think thatís an excuse some people tell themselves when they donít tell the truth.
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Old 07-14-2019, 11:55 AM
 
11,951 posts, read 20,421,646 times
Reputation: 19371
Quote:
Originally Posted by jbtornado View Post
I'm noticing when I have problems with people. And I speak or text the truth to them of the matter of what is going on or why I believe they act the way they do, It makes them much more angry than if you make up a lie or say something generic like "they are toxic or gross"

Example A.. I met someone ten years ago and we had a decent chemistry. After a while issues came out with both of us.. It was on again and off again next years (mostly off) Then when I finally confronted them on the core reason for them acting up I told them it was the loss of their mother at a young age.. Never before have I seen them so angry and them calling me "toxic" and "terrible" And they kept telling me I was the bad one and I'm not changing., While its likely true I do dig too much and do try to figure things out. If you'd just admit to me thats the reason and be comfortable with it.. We'd likely be better off but I think things are done.. Its too bad they never properly addressed this and likely take this burden out on others too. Maybe one day I can hope

Example B: I called out someone for lying to me then they make up lies about me. This person and I have never been close again as a result too.

Example C: A friend of mine who has drinking issues and I tell them they do, Luckily when they are in a better mood they may admit to it at times.. But if we are not in a good mood or debating or fighting.. Its not pretty..

Is this a personality flaw of mine? I think to understand people best I need to figure out WHY they act the way they do. If I dont understand that, I dont feel like I know the person or they are hiding things from me which is more disturbing to me than openly admitting "Hey I have so and so issues"

I've told more people lately than ever about my anxiety issues for this. I'm far from perfect..

Just give me your general opinion here. e
It could be the way you approach it. I had a friend who would do the same, and she approached it as a know it all. It was very off putting. And she was in the same boat, and if you tried to to tell her she needed therapy, sheíd tell you to back off, because she knew better than anyone else.

But mainly, in each case you cited, it seemed more like maybe it wasnít the right time to broach the subject. In the heat of the moment is not the right time to start analyzing the situation. Itís time to react and deflect, and get things calmed down. Give it a little time before you go back to the underlining reasons the crisis took place.

And even then, you need to understand people are resistant to change, and when you tell them something they donít want to hear, they will deflect, and decide you are wrong.

I have an older friend who is becoming more isolated because she has a massive hearing loss that she refuses to acknowledge. Itís bad. She not only canít hear well, she misunderstands and gets angry as the first line of action. I have a small hearing loss, and when I mishear I say, Iím sorry, I misheard as I have a small hearing loss, can you repeat yourself? No one minds or gets irritated.

Iíve found it common for the person who is losing their hearing to be angry at others because of this ó Iíve never understood it. Get some hearing aids. And yes ó they are expensive, but in this case, her reasoning is she spent thousands of dollars to get teeth implants which caused all sorts of problems and then ended up with dentures anyway. She should have sought a second opinion and spent the money on hearing aids, and she has the money for hearing aids anyway. And yes ó she told me.

But I digress. I know for a fact her friends are exhausted with dealing with her lack of hearing and repeating themselves over and over and having to kowtow to her demanding ways over this ó that itís OUR problem to deal with HER hearing issues. We know she has them, we should accommodate her.

And I found this all out because I did like you, but I brought it up outside of a time of crisis and anger. And I did it from a place of caring. I started out by saying I notice you are becoming increasingly isolated. You know thatís not good for you.
__________________
Solly says ó Be nice!
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Old 07-14-2019, 02:10 PM
 
825 posts, read 197,836 times
Reputation: 603
also, negativity is not the only "truth". positivity exists, too.
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