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Old 07-14-2019, 02:27 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,310 posts, read 523,741 times
Reputation: 1186

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jezku View Post
also, negativity is not the only "truth". positivity exists, too.
Good point!
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Old 07-14-2019, 03:16 PM
 
7,086 posts, read 7,014,359 times
Reputation: 5896
Quote:
Originally Posted by jbtornado View Post
I'm noticing when I have problems with people. And I speak or text the truth to them of the matter of what is going on or why I believe they act the way they do, It makes them much more angry than if you make up a lie or say something generic like "they are toxic or gross"

Example A.. I met someone ten years ago and we had a decent chemistry. After a while issues came out with both of us.. It was on again and off again next years (mostly off) Then when I finally confronted them on the core reason for them acting up I told them it was the loss of their mother at a young age.. Never before have I seen them so angry and them calling me "toxic" and "terrible" And they kept telling me I was the bad one and I'm not changing., While its likely true I do dig too much and do try to figure things out. If you'd just admit to me thats the reason and be comfortable with it.. We'd likely be better off but I think things are done.. Its too bad they never properly addressed this and likely take this burden out on others too. Maybe one day I can hope

Example B: I called out someone for lying to me then they make up lies about me. This person and I have never been close again as a result too.

Example C: A friend of mine who has drinking issues and I tell them they do, Luckily when they are in a better mood they may admit to it at times.. But if we are not in a good mood or debating or fighting.. Its not pretty..

Is this a personality flaw of mine? I think to understand people best I need to figure out WHY they act the way they do. If I dont understand that, I dont feel like I know the person or they are hiding things from me which is more disturbing to me than openly admitting "Hey I have so and so issues"

I've told more people lately than ever about my anxiety issues for this. I'm far from perfect..

Just give me your general opinion here. e
Only Example B Is appropriate. Learn to keep your observations to yourself. That will save you a lot of agony. Post them here on the C-D instead!
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Old 07-14-2019, 04:09 PM
 
6,346 posts, read 3,598,829 times
Reputation: 22226
A friend of mine who's a psychiatric nurse once surprised me on this subject by saying that not all people benefit from truth confrontations and for some people it's best to let them have their delusions. I suppose there are some for whom realizing the truths of their life might be more than they are prepared to psychologically handle.
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Old 07-14-2019, 04:17 PM
 
3,447 posts, read 883,162 times
Reputation: 3935
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
A friend of mine who's a psychiatric nurse once surprised me on this subject by saying that not all people benefit from truth confrontations and for some people it's best to let them have their delusions. I suppose there are some for whom realizing the truths of their life might be more than they are prepared to psychologically handle.
Hmm.

Consider her clientele, though. People who are mentally ill.

I am sure someone who has been lied to or otherwise deluded from birth can have a similar shocking experience from a revelation as an adult, though.
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Old 07-14-2019, 05:43 PM
 
6,346 posts, read 3,598,829 times
Reputation: 22226
Reppressed memories come to mind. Although the concept has taken a beating.
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Old 07-16-2019, 03:36 PM
 
1,874 posts, read 749,544 times
Reputation: 3056
Quote:
Originally Posted by jbtornado View Post
I'm noticing when I have problems with people. And I speak or text the truth to them of the matter of what is going on or why I believe they act the way they do, It makes them much more angry than if you make up a lie or say something generic like "they are toxic or gross"

Example A.. I met someone ten years ago and we had a decent chemistry. After a while issues came out with both of us.. It was on again and off again next years (mostly off) Then when I finally confronted them on the core reason for them acting up I told them it was the loss of their mother at a young age.. Never before have I seen them so angry and them calling me "toxic" and "terrible" And they kept telling me I was the bad one and I'm not changing., While its likely true I do dig too much and do try to figure things out. If you'd just admit to me thats the reason and be comfortable with it.. We'd likely be better off but I think things are done.. Its too bad they never properly addressed this and likely take this burden out on others too. Maybe one day I can hope

Example B: I called out someone for lying to me then they make up lies about me. This person and I have never been close again as a result too.

Example C: A friend of mine who has drinking issues and I tell them they do, Luckily when they are in a better mood they may admit to it at times.. But if we are not in a good mood or debating or fighting.. Its not pretty..

Is this a personality flaw of mine? I think to understand people best I need to figure out WHY they act the way they do. If I dont understand that, I dont feel like I know the person or they are hiding things from me which is more disturbing to me than openly admitting "Hey I have so and so issues"
Everything you said may be the truth, but no one likes to hear it. What you are doing is JUDGING them BADLY, and no one wants to be judged badly. That's whey thyy were all angry.

If you want to keep your relationships, I suggest you STOP telling them why you believe they act the way they do. Or at least stop being so blunt. You can tell someone else behind their back, but NEVER to the person to their face. Like I said, no one likes to be judged badly, truth or not.

But you can happily judge them for their GOOD qualities. Everyone loves and needs to be praised occasionally.
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Old 07-16-2019, 04:22 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
45,148 posts, read 36,355,190 times
Reputation: 63919
Here's a good barometer to me:

The truth at another's expense is usually selfish.

Also, treat others as you want to be treated.

Look, adults don't generally change just because someone tells them "the truth" about a flaw they have. For instance, my mother was always naturally tall and thin. I mean, she NEVER had to struggle with weight, and ate like a dang horse. I am not built like her. It is easier for me to gain weight. She used to say to me, "It looks like you've gained weight - do you really need to be ordering that?" Honestly, I got so sick of hearing this. Finally one day I said, "Mom. Do you think I don't KNOW when I gain weight? Do you think pointing it out is going to be beneficial for me in any way? Do you think that I don't know that if I eat more calories, I gain more weight? Do you think that I think other people don't notice if I gain weight? I mean, what is your point?"

To her credit, she did stop saying that sort of thing, completely. GOOD FOR MOM!

Anyway, my point is - pick your battles and realize that it's not only NOT your responsibility to correct other adults, it is also highly unlikely that they will even alter anything based on your advice or insight.

The exception would be if someone asked for my honest advice, or if someone was an imminent danger to themselves or others. But most of the time, "honesty" doesn't fall into those categories.
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Old 07-17-2019, 01:05 AM
 
Location: Whereever we have our RV parked
8,849 posts, read 7,740,377 times
Reputation: 15182
1. People dont like their faults and failures pointed out to them.

2. Being around a "know it all", i s a pain in the butt.

3. No one has an exclusive right to declare the truth except God.
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Old 07-17-2019, 02:23 AM
 
Location: East Midlands, UK
729 posts, read 268,108 times
Reputation: 1624
I don't czre for blunt people tbh. It's why I tend to avoid other autistics. I don't need my faults pointed out to me or to made to feel worse about myself. Women are meant to build each other up and I adhere to that principle even if it means telling a white lie or two. I believe you should refrain from commenting on things people can't change or change easily, unless they are directly hurting others.
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Old 07-17-2019, 06:47 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,310 posts, read 523,741 times
Reputation: 1186
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post

The truth at another's expense is usually selfish.

Anyway, my point is - pick your battles and realize that it's not only NOT your responsibility to correct other adults, it is also highly unlikely that they will even alter anything based on your advice or insight.

The exception would be if someone asked for my honest advice, or if someone was an imminent danger to themselves or others. But most of the time, "honesty" doesn't fall into those categories.
I absolutely agree with all of this - well said! Some people act extremely self-righteous about being ‘blatantly honest’ when, in fact, it often not only is inappropriate (or even wrong) - but is selfishly told to make one feel better (rather than to help anyone else).
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