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Old 07-13-2019, 10:02 AM
 
772 posts, read 486,112 times
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I'm noticing when I have problems with people. And I speak or text the truth to them of the matter of what is going on or why I believe they act the way they do, It makes them much more angry than if you make up a lie or say something generic like "they are toxic or gross"

Example A.. I met someone ten years ago and we had a decent chemistry. After a while issues came out with both of us.. It was on again and off again next years (mostly off) Then when I finally confronted them on the core reason for them acting up I told them it was the loss of their mother at a young age.. Never before have I seen them so angry and them calling me "toxic" and "terrible" And they kept telling me I was the bad one and I'm not changing., While its likely true I do dig too much and do try to figure things out. If you'd just admit to me thats the reason and be comfortable with it.. We'd likely be better off but I think things are done.. Its too bad they never properly addressed this and likely take this burden out on others too. Maybe one day I can hope

Example B: I called out someone for lying to me then they make up lies about me. This person and I have never been close again as a result too.

Example C: A friend of mine who has drinking issues and I tell them they do, Luckily when they are in a better mood they may admit to it at times.. But if we are not in a good mood or debating or fighting.. Its not pretty..

Is this a personality flaw of mine? I think to understand people best I need to figure out WHY they act the way they do. If I dont understand that, I dont feel like I know the person or they are hiding things from me which is more disturbing to me than openly admitting "Hey I have so and so issues"

I've told more people lately than ever about my anxiety issues for this. I'm far from perfect..

Just give me your general opinion here. e
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Old 07-13-2019, 10:16 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,290 posts, read 516,271 times
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Generally speaking, I find it more beneficial for one to look inward (rather than outward). We can never analyze or change others’ behavior; we only control how we react to them. If you’ve tried to discuss your differences or concerns constructively - and still find problems in communication or behavior, perhaps it’s best to untangle yourself from the situation and let go. If this is a repeated problem (continued conflict with various examples of people around you in your personal or professional life), you may need to examine more thoroughly your own expectations and/or reactions. People and relationships aren’t perfect - that said, if one is not willing to speak to you in regard to conflict or issues, there is not anything you can (or should) do.
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:36 AM
 
1,413 posts, read 552,223 times
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Lies hurt always.The truth can be hard for some to swallow hence the reason they lash back...oh -well.
Just don't be around the person.Some people don't want to hear the truth.That's their choice.Just don't deal with them.
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:43 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,290 posts, read 516,271 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by codergirl View Post
Lies hurt always.The truth can be hard for some to swallow hence the reason they lash back...oh -well.
Just don't be around the person.Some people don't want to hear the truth.That's their choice.Just don't deal with them.
And - we are not obligated to accept someone else’s version of their (interpretation of) truth as our own.
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Old 07-13-2019, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Central New Jersey
2,411 posts, read 918,469 times
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I'd rather be told the truth no matter if it is hurtful. One lie will just turn into another. Before you know it, it'll be hard to distinguish lies from the truth.
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Old 07-13-2019, 12:44 PM
 
816 posts, read 194,886 times
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at best you just find out what their interpretation of your truth (experience) is. then it's time to ask yrself how much in common you have for that, and let them go. you'll each find the person whose values 'jibe' with each other more. no reason to doubt yrself, since you are the only one who can know the whole truth about yr own experiences. trust yrself.
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Old 07-13-2019, 12:50 PM
 
Location: in the soup
3,890 posts, read 1,645,447 times
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You can't really change people. And people rarely accept unsolicited advice... let alone criticism.

So generally speaking, even if people I know have obvious problems- I don't bring it up or point it out unless they specifically ask. And on those rare occasions when I feel that something *needs* to be pointed out, I do so gently and for a specific reason.

IMO when you interact with other humans, it's kindof a 'take it or leave it' situation. You've either got to accept people as they are (because they're not likely to change, at least in a direction you want)... or cut ties and go your separate ways.
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Old 07-13-2019, 02:03 PM
 
12,715 posts, read 14,093,600 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy View Post
And - we are not obligated to accept someone else’s version of their (interpretation of) truth as our own.
Perhaps a corollary is that we should be just as reluctant more often to accept our denial as the truth.
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Old 07-13-2019, 02:45 PM
 
321 posts, read 207,689 times
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Boundaries, friend. You don't get to tell me how I feel, and you certainly don't get to tell me why I feel what I feel. You are neither responsible nor entitled to analyze what you perceive as your friends' problems, and if you mention a subject and you get an angry reaction in return, returning to that subject is just you scratching your itch.

The good news is that it's not your personality flaw. It's a gap in your communication skills, and maybe in your habits around empathy and attention to another person's state of mind. You can practice to notice and gradually improve these things in yourself, if it's important to you.

Specifically: Example A. "Then when I finally confronted them on the core reason for them acting up I told them it was the loss of their mother at a young age." Absolutely none of your business and out of line. Jump into somebody else's family issues, expect an enraged response. There's a reason why domestic disturbance calls are so dangerous for cops.
Example B: "I called out someone for lying to me then they make up lies about me." Absolutely appropriate. You have every right to call people on specific behaviors that hurt you.
Example C: "A friend of mine who has drinking issues and I tell them they do." Intermediate. Part of being a friend is sometimes telling hard truths. But don't expect the friendship to be unaffected, and maybe avoid bringing up things at times when you know the person will overreact?

Finally, YES, you're right, a hard truth will very often cut deeper than a lie that can be shrugged off. Now you know.
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Old 07-13-2019, 03:00 PM
 
3,387 posts, read 866,189 times
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As a man, 30 y/o, I might be shocked to hear something I never knew, but if it was accurate, I'd give it considerable weight.

More subjective: "You always talk down to people!"
More objective: "Did you realize that when you're talking to someone, you always ________, which is very condescending."

I've been told by other people (partners), specifically to lie to them "If you/I ever ________ please do NOT tell me, I would be crushed."
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