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Old 07-14-2019, 08:20 AM
 
3 posts, read 444 times
Reputation: 16

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Hello! I am looking to see if anyone has any input on my Motherís behavior. This is not new behavior, this is how she has always been. I am just curious if anyone has any input on what this could be. I am now nearly 40 and she has been this way for as long as I can remember.

My mother has never been loving. I am her only child and she has never had any interest or care for me. She smokes a lot of cigarettes and when I was growing up money was tight. If she didnít have her cigarettes I would become her victim and be verbally and physically abused. She would literally search through my room to find stuff to blackmail me with for my money I made working at McDonaldís. For instance if she read a note my 16 year old self and another friend wrote she would tell me she would let everyone in my school know what we said if I didnít buy her cigarettes.

We would get evicted from every apartment in a short period of time due to non payment. She would tell everyone I was disruptive and the reason for being evicted.

Once I became a young adult and moved out on my own she would find every sob story to live on my couch. She would then quit her small jobs and live off of me. This went on for 10 years.

My mom does not have any friends. Not one. She refuses to speak with people or attend any social or family events. She literally does not have one hobby. She sits in front of the tv and smokes her cigarettes, all day every day. The only time she leaves the house is to go to the store and if someone drives her. She has health insurance but refuses to go to doctors and her health is just so bad.

To date whenever I talk to her she lectures me, tells me how I should be doing this or that, and every conversation seems like some sort of competition. I just really canít figure out what has been going on in her head all these years or maybe she has a mental illness, but what?

Any thoughts?
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Old 07-14-2019, 08:36 AM
 
Location: NE Mississippi
13,707 posts, read 8,612,921 times
Reputation: 19976
Your mother is a neurotic. Always has been, too. I can speak from some experience, since I was raised by a neurotic single mother, too.
She will never get better. My situation was greatly different from yours, just as my mother was different. I grew up and joined the navy and never did go back home. You probably can't join the navy, but in order to find yourself and make your own life you MUST separate yourself from your mother. You absolutely MUST!

By the time my mother died I had come to grips and was no longer angry or resentful, and could talk about her neurosis freely without feeling like some sort of victim. It is not your mother's fault that she is a neurotic, but it is not yours, either. (Repeat that phrase to your self daily) The danger is, her legacy of friendless self destruction may become yours, and you cannot make progress as long as she clings to you.
You have to shake her loose.
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Old 07-14-2019, 09:20 AM
 
38,318 posts, read 14,990,940 times
Reputation: 24730
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anastasianicole2019 View Post
Hello! I am looking to see if anyone has any input on my Motherís behavior. This is not new behavior, this is how she has always been. I am just curious if anyone has any input on what this could be. I am now nearly 40 and she has been this way for as long as I can remember.

My mother has never been loving. I am her only child and she has never had any interest or care for me. She smokes a lot of cigarettes and when I was growing up money was tight. If she didnít have her cigarettes I would become her victim and be verbally and physically abused. She would literally search through my room to find stuff to blackmail me with for my money I made working at McDonaldís. For instance if she read a note my 16 year old self and another friend wrote she would tell me she would let everyone in my school know what we said if I didnít buy her cigarettes.

We would get evicted from every apartment in a short period of time due to non payment. She would tell everyone I was disruptive and the reason for being evicted.

Once I became a young adult and moved out on my own she would find every sob story to live on my couch. She would then quit her small jobs and live off of me. This went on for 10 years.

My mom does not have any friends. Not one. She refuses to speak with people or attend any social or family events. She literally does not have one hobby. She sits in front of the tv and smokes her cigarettes, all day every day. The only time she leaves the house is to go to the store and if someone drives her. She has health insurance but refuses to go to doctors and her health is just so bad.

To date whenever I talk to her she lectures me, tells me how I should be doing this or that, and every conversation seems like some sort of competition. I just really canít figure out what has been going on in her head all these years or maybe she has a mental illness, but what?

Any thoughts?
Yes.

Go see a therapist.

Clearly, your mother has mental health issues. A therapist will help you figure out what is going on, and how you want to proceed.

You may need to take a break from your mother while this is going on.

Good luck!
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Old 07-15-2019, 08:00 AM
 
3 posts, read 444 times
Reputation: 16
Neurotic sounds likely! I am just tired of trying to understand what I have been dealing with all these years with my Mother. Getting her help at this point is a lost cause. She refuses to go anywhere. I started thinking about all this last week when her sister brought her to see my new house. She literally came in, sat down, and never looked around or commented on it. The only thing she did was critique everything I said and give advice how to do things differently. All on topics she has no idea about. I mentioned my coworker and where he lives which is about an hour away and she kept saying “why would someone drive that far. There is something wrong with him. He can’t get a job elsewhere that’s why he is going there”. I felt like screaming nearly everyone is that far or even further!! I am just at my wits end dealing with her.
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Old 07-15-2019, 08:05 AM
 
5,485 posts, read 2,366,477 times
Reputation: 15149
Why are you still interacting with her?
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Old 07-15-2019, 09:33 AM
 
1,017 posts, read 355,428 times
Reputation: 3279
Your mother is not going to change. Ignore her criticisms and limit the time you spend with her. You will be much happier in the long run. I speak from experience.
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Old 07-15-2019, 12:24 PM
 
1,636 posts, read 753,184 times
Reputation: 8950
You must stop trying to come up with a rational reason for why your mother is the way she is. She is an unhappy person who copes by being critical of others. It's not going to change.

But you have the power to change the way you deal with and react to her. Go have a few sessions with someone who can help you to disengage and develop skills to live your best life.
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Old 07-15-2019, 01:59 PM
 
4,072 posts, read 2,640,935 times
Reputation: 8847
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
Yes.

Go see a therapist.

Clearly, your mother has mental health issues. A therapist will help you figure out what is going on, and how you want to proceed.

You may need to take a break from your mother while this is going on.

Good luck!
This. Your mother has a problem and her behavior isn't rational. She's not going to change.

Seeing a therapist will help you understand what the best course of action will be for you.
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Old 07-15-2019, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
45,095 posts, read 36,318,714 times
Reputation: 63823
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnaGWS View Post
Your mother is not going to change. Ignore her criticisms and limit the time you spend with her. You will be much happier in the long run. I speak from experience.
Short but sweet and very true.
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Old 07-16-2019, 09:25 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,960 posts, read 14,442,747 times
Reputation: 30947
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnaGWS View Post
Your mother is not going to change. Ignore her criticisms and limit the time you spend with her. You will be much happier in the long run. I speak from experience.
This.

See a therapist to gain understanding. Your mother is incapable of giving you acceptance. She does not have acceptance to give. This is not your fault and you cannot change her. The only person you have power over is yourself.

See a therapist for your sake. so at the very least you can get help with setting boundaries.

It sounds as if you have made a life for yourself in spite of poor parenting. Good job! Give yourself credit.
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