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Old 07-16-2019, 02:38 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,957 posts, read 36,253,688 times
Reputation: 63633

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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
You know, she must have. But she would have had no way to have understood that they were not neurotypical. She probably thought them odd. Of course, she might have encountered severely autistic people at some point, but would never have imagined autism as existing on a spectrum.

But her advice applies to you, IMO. You do not feel loved and cherished, as your vows bound you and him to do, all those years ago. Perhaps he does not know how to “love and cherish.” Or perhaps it is too much trouble for him to do.

Only you know what is best for you.

But in some of your posts, I have felt your longing for something you do not feel you have.
Oh I so agree with you and my heart goes out to the OP.

I agree, counseling really probably needs to be for you - to help you decide if you want to stay in this relationship, and if so, how to do it without feeling so left out emotionally.
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Old 07-16-2019, 02:52 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,090 posts, read 12,863,194 times
Reputation: 31466
Quote:
Originally Posted by blueherons View Post
Honestly, smack him in the head and tell him to cut it out.

It's driving you insane and it's making you resent him and if he wants to stay married, fix it.


Cut him off next time he starts a story.

It sounds like it is times for drastic measures.
that makes total sense. I would try it. How about you, OP?
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Old 07-16-2019, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
31,717 posts, read 20,009,652 times
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It seems to me that you have quite a few threads about being unhappy with your husband.

Setting aside who is right and wrong, you have to come to terms that you are making a conscious choice.

I think you want to leave him, but you don't want to lose some of the things you do have, or go through the upheaval. Not judging, just what it seems like.

So if you are going to make that choice, it would serve you best just to come to terms with how your husband is, and decide to be happy.
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Old 07-16-2019, 03:25 PM
 
3,589 posts, read 1,393,462 times
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i vote for Mikala43:
"it would serve you best just to come to terms with how your husband is, and decide to be happy."
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Old 07-16-2019, 03:31 PM
 
Location: Central IL
15,253 posts, read 8,552,827 times
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I know a little of what you're talking about. My bf is schizophrenic but high functioning - he shares some autistic-like behaviors. But he NEVER talks about his childhood - I think that since it was before he became "altered" he doesn't have many memories. He doesn't take the initiative to plan activities so I plan all the trips, concerts, whatever we do. Nearly every time afterwards he'll say " I thought it would be terrible...." and then maybe 2/3 of the time he'll continue and say "...but I actually enjoyed it". Stuff can seem pretty hurtful and I often have to take a step back.

I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this and I'm not saying you should put up with everything you do - though getting some perspective can help. You've been married a long while and I think some distance, either physical or emotional can be a help as you do more of what you want to do and he can do his thing too.
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Old 07-16-2019, 03:51 PM
 
3,419 posts, read 871,324 times
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Does he perhaps want to take some of the same trips and experiences WITH YOU to... I don't know... RE-LIVE some of this, with you in his life? Maybe an old family vacation destination, or activity?
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Old 07-16-2019, 04:08 PM
 
600 posts, read 183,168 times
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I used to have a Buddy who made it his business to have affairs with unhappily-married women. Their husbands were either emotionally or physically unavailable and/or abusive, and my friend was there to provide emotional, and especially, physical, support. I thought that his behavior was more than a little distasteful (under the "Do unto others...." rule), but he had no interest in my opinion, and kept it up for years, with several different women.

Should one day, once he's married and settled down, his wife should find comfort in the arms of someone else, I won't have any sympathy, because....Karma. But to the OP, you wouldn't be the first to find someone outside your marriage to connect with.
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Old 07-16-2019, 04:12 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,957 posts, read 36,253,688 times
Reputation: 63633
Here's how I see it.

1) We can't change anyone but ourselves.
2) We aren't responsible for any adult's behavior but our own.
3) And here's the biggie: When we stay in a relationship that we're not happy in - for any reason, from our own issues to actual abuse by our partner - we stay because we figure that we have more to lose by leaving than we lose by staying. In other words, frankly, we think we're getting something out of it that we are not willing to give up.

So with that in mind, we have to look at relationships and realize that even when we feel like we're not in control, we are - because we can always choose to leave rather than to stay. (Unless we are physically chained up in a basement or something horrible like that but you get my point - clearly you're not in this situation, OP.)

So that's why I recommended counseling. You can sort through why you want to stay - and maybe staying IS the best option for you. If it is, then you are going to have to figure out a way to be happy where you are. NO ONE ELSE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY.

So - if you decide to stay, then you need to know exactly why you are staying, and own those reasons, and then take responsibility for your own actions and your own happiness.

If you decide to leave, then you need to know exactly why you are leaving, own those reasons, and then take responsibility for your own actions and your own happiness.

I sincerely hope you become happier soon. Believe me, I understand being unhappy in a marriage. I chose to take the risk and get out and I'm VERY glad I did so. But it was tough. Realizing that I was actually giving him power over me when I expected him to do things to make me happy was a big step in the right direction.

Don't give anyone your power.
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Old 07-16-2019, 06:39 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
9,178 posts, read 3,017,195 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
My spouse has a story on tap for every occasion or subject. He becomes animated in the retelling. These anecdotes are apparently some kind of touchstone, the standard by which another person's idea is judged, the fount of wisdom that never runs dry.

They are also exclusively from his life as a child in the bosom of his family and as a young adult. Not once does he ever mention our nearly 30 years-long shared history. It's as if it never happened, or if he does remember it, it's of no importance. No pearl of wisdom was derived. No fun was had. No commitments were made. He literally does not remember that at one time in an emotional moment of great solemnity, we clung together and vowed to take care of each other for the rest of our lives.

But pick a subject at random and you'll get an impromptu performance of "Here's how, where, when and why my family did this." Family meaning, not-me. He only comes alive when he brings his family back to life.

Lately this has been bothering me, particularly since he treats me to a couple of these stories a day. When he does, my spirits plummet.

There's no "Remember when we..." or "How about that time when..." Fond memories of me? Forget it. If he could go back in time and ditch me in the present, he would. He's already doing it in his mind.

Although I felt no grief when my father died or worry when my mother recently (reportedly) had a stroke, I can construct an emotional model of what it feels like to lose one's parents. I have lost people who meant a lot to me. They come back to me at night in my dreams to visit. I don't feel the need to keep them alive by bringing them up in daily conversation with every person I meet. I don't mention them at all, except here and now. Talking about them would be unfair to my spouse because it would seem like I was comparing him to idealized people who are dead and have therefore achieved lasting perfection.

I have tried to talk to him about how his stories make me feel. He gives me a quick hug and walks off without saying a word.

How do I deal with this? Don't tell me it's a natural grief process. Constructing an inner emotional life that excludes the woman you promised to love, honor and cherish is not grief.

He doesn't have to tell you stories that involve you, because you remember them yourself. And he has to deal with you every day, so he doesn't need to re-kindle his own memories of what you did together, as he does with those who have passed on. Be glad that he so frequently talks to you and hugs you. He's not excluding you at all. Here's an idea: why don't you start telling him stories about things you did together and see if he will join in talking about them.
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Old 07-16-2019, 08:06 PM
 
Location: Wilmington, NC
1,938 posts, read 350,041 times
Reputation: 3176
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve McDonald View Post
He doesn't have to tell you stories that involve you, because you remember them yourself. And he has to deal with you every day, so he doesn't need to re-kindle his own memories of what you did together, as he does with those who have passed on. Be glad that he so frequently talks to you and hugs you. He's not excluding you at all. Here's an idea: why don't you start telling him stories about things you did together and see if he will join in talking about them.
Yeah, since he "has to deal with you every day," OP, why would you have the audacity to wish that he would share fond recollections of your time together? I mean, come on, you remember them yourself!
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