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Old 07-17-2019, 01:48 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,883 posts, read 1,863,572 times
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There are probably many layers to this problem - it's a martial communication problem, a marital love language problem, a personality difference problem, a values difference problem - lots of problems that a counselor might be able to help you sort out.

Do you like him?

It doesn't sound like it.

If he's really doing this several times a day, I don't know why when he gets started you don't just roll your eyes and leave the room - or say "not this **** again" - "got anything current to talk about?"

He's not living in the present moment and it sounds like you have built up resentment.
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Old 07-17-2019, 02:12 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
5,010 posts, read 2,304,195 times
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Iím ASD. It occurs to me that I DO say ĎI remember when ...í regarding post-Mac life but it always involves the kids.

If I say ĎMy familyí it could mean EITHER pre-Mac or post-Mac.
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Old 07-17-2019, 02:23 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,962 posts, read 70,771,627 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
Oh ouch, that sucks.

I would really try and find a GOOD counselor to help you feel important without outside validation. If you can't count on you to make you feel important, then who CAN you count on?
I would find a good counselor with expertise in high-functioning autism, to figure out coping strategies, and how to address this with the husband. Some of the suggestions made here might be fine for normal people, but may go right past someone whose brain works differently, and processes things differently. A specialized counselor could advise the OP on how to interact effectively with her hubs on this issue. The "stuck in a loop" post really makes that clear, IMO. That was helpful.

Kind of like an Al-Anon for spouses of of people on the spectrum.
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Old 07-17-2019, 02:43 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
31,767 posts, read 20,035,771 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
I would find a good counselor with expertise in high-functioning autism, to figure out coping strategies, and how to address this with the husband. Some of the suggestions made here might be fine for normal people, but may go right past someone whose brain works differently, and processes things differently. A specialized counselor could advise the OP on how to interact effectively with her hubs on this issue. The "stuck in a loop" post really makes that clear, IMO. That was helpful.

Kind of like an Al-Anon for spouses of of people on the spectrum.

Yeah, but I wouldn't emphasize so much on the husband, but on Fluffy. She is the main project for counseling. When you go in think the OTHER person is the problem.... you ignore the main person you have control over.
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Old 07-17-2019, 03:06 PM
 
2,081 posts, read 876,200 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
For instance, I was told my mother was going into the hospital for a hysterectomy and I would have to stay with an aunt and uncle for a week, until Mom was released. I got homesick after five days and walked home. It was about eleven miles. I walked in the front door and my mother, father and sister were having dinner.

I donít know if she even had a hysterectomy. She was up and moving about just fine. I think it was yet another excuse to fob me off on our large extended family so they could keep pretending I didnít exist.

So on this drive I challenged myself to distill all these confusing emotions into one statement: All Iíve ever wanted is to be important in someone elseís life.

I didnít matter to my abusive ex-spouse. My current spouse has been put on notice that I require the position of primary importance in his life and if he canít manage that, weíre through.
You probably know this but you have to accept people like they are. No amount of counseling or nagging will ever change anyone. I've been married 46 years and my wife and I squabble about something every day. I'm often accused of being thoughtless and a jerk. I don't think that's true so I just ignore it. If she does something that annoys me I tell her to cut it out. We also say I love you and have a hug every day. We don't go to sleep mad. We still enjoy making love as much as we did the first time. I think that's about the right combination. There's lots of good and bad but on balance the good wins out. I think if either of us wasn't willing to compromise much of the time, we would have split long ago. We don't look for each other to complete us in any way. We have more alone time doing our own things than together time, even though we are in a small house. We eat dinner together and watch some TV together in the evning. When we go out or visit with friends, the guys speak to the guys and the women speak to the women.
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Old 07-17-2019, 08:28 PM
 
1,021 posts, read 311,005 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post

I’m on a long drive from California to Arizona and I’ve had a lot of time to think about my part in this. My parents didn’t want me—and boy, would I like to find out why that was the case, but that’s for another time. I was neglected as a child and frequently dumped at various relatives’ houses to give my parents a “break”.

For instance, I was told my mother was going into the hospital for a hysterectomy and I would have to stay with an aunt and uncle for a week, until Mom was released. I got homesick after five days and walked home. It was about eleven miles. I walked in the front door and my mother, father and sister were having dinner.

I don’t know if she even had a hysterectomy. She was up and moving about just fine. I think it was yet another excuse to fob me off on our large extended family so they could keep pretending I didn’t exist.

So on this drive I challenged myself to distill all these confusing emotions into one statement: All I’ve ever wanted is to be important in someone else’s life.

I didn’t matter to my abusive ex-spouse. My current spouse has been put on notice that I require the position of primary importance in his life and if he can’t manage that, we’re through.

My husband does the same thing - repeating stories about his past and same thirty year old jokes. It's like a record needle getting stuck, going over the same three bars of music.

It's hard not to cross wires, thinking something is related to the pass, when it mechanical repetition. It is dreary. Well, more than dreary, it is depressing. I'm thinking the rest of my days will be spent hearing the same stories and jokes. Maybe, if my husband takes up a new hobby, he'll have something new to say?

FYI - My parents preferred my sister over me. When my father died last year, he cut both of us out of his will. I never expected anything. but my sister believe she was special. His gift to me was never having to hear his voice again. Most people can't understand having a parents so awful that his death is a relief, but it is how I feel.
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Old 07-17-2019, 10:35 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,749 posts, read 4,758,012 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal View Post
My husband does the same thing - repeating stories about his past and same thirty year old jokes. It's like a record needle getting stuck, going over the same three bars of music.

It's hard not to cross wires, thinking something is related to the pass, when it mechanical repetition. It is dreary. Well, more than dreary, it is depressing. I'm thinking the rest of my days will be spent hearing the same stories and jokes. Maybe, if my husband takes up a new hobby, he'll have something new to say?
I know how to stop this -- get him a gift certificate for bungee jumping!

Quote:
FYI - My parents preferred my sister over me. When my father died last year, he cut both of us out of his will. I never expected anything. but my sister believe she was special. His gift to me was never having to hear his voice again. Most people can't understand having a parents so awful that his death is a relief, but it is how I feel.
I tolerated my mother long after I should have gone no-contact with her but I didn't know about no-contact then. She would hound me to buy a Father's Day gift and card every year, even after he divorced her. I was not part of his life in any way. When he remarried, he made it clear that his new wife's daughters were his real family.

The last time I saw him was at a family reunion. He came over to me and started pulling things out of his pockets...small objects from me and a check I'd sent once with a note to please buy whatever you like. He told me the rest of the gifts I'd given him were back at the house and I should stop there to pick them up.

When he died, it was indeed a relief. I was out of his reach and he couldn't hurt me any more. No more forced gifting, no need to participate in the ghastly "happy family" charade, no more cruel and vicious words.
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Old 07-17-2019, 11:10 PM
 
7,280 posts, read 8,668,333 times
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There's no greater loneliness than being in a relationship that is not working, is on life support, or simply not enjoying a mate. It's a dead end road and choosing to stay in such a relationship is a soul-sucking experience.

My friend of 25 years finally separated from her husband; they'd had problems since I first met them. He's angry, bitter and passive/aggressive. She's been angry and frustrated and unhappy. She finally figured out complaining to and about him achieved nothing and it was better to be alone than with him.
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Old 07-18-2019, 05:53 AM
 
1,021 posts, read 311,005 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post

The last time I saw him was at a family reunion. He came over to me and started pulling things out of his pockets...small objects from me and a check I'd sent once with a note to please buy whatever you like. He told me the rest of the gifts I'd given him were back at the house and I should stop there to pick them up.

When he died, it was indeed a relief. I was out of his reach and he couldn't hurt me any more. No more forced gifting, no need to participate in the ghastly "happy family" charade, no more cruel and vicious words.

I had to read this twice:
Quote:
He came over to me and started pulling things out of his pockets...small objects from me
to get he was returning your gifts. It is so bizarre and deliberately cruel.

In his will, my father left everything to his boyfriend. My father's will stated he loved his boyfriend since March 19 of such and such year. It is the only date in his will. Well, March 19 is St. Joseph's Day, the patron saint of fathers and the day some countries celebrate Father's Day.

It wasn't enough he dropped us out of his life - never acknowledged his grandchildren - he had to twist the knife from beyond the grave. There is a place for people like him.
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Old 07-18-2019, 06:23 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,749 posts, read 4,758,012 times
Reputation: 28410
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
Do you like him?
I love him. Life decisions would be easier if I didn't.

Quote:
He's not living in the present moment and it sounds like you have built up resentment.
More like bewilderment, but yeah.

I get living in the past. Dead people are right there on tap whenever you need them and when you don't, they don't complain about being neglected.
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