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Old 07-18-2019, 06:43 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
45,157 posts, read 36,355,190 times
Reputation: 63941

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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I love him. Life decisions would be easier if I didn't.


More like bewilderment, but yeah.

I get living in the past. Dead people are right there on tap whenever you need them and when you don't, they don't complain about being neglected.
But do you LIKE him?

I think that's so important.

Do you RESPECT him? That's important too.

You have implied or said several times that you have a very long, committed relationship which is great. I guess my take is this - if you are going to stay in this relationship, you have got to figure out how to be happy. Not how to get him to make you happy - how YOU are going to make you happy. No other person can do that for you, you have to do it yourself. If you're going to stay in the marriage, then you have made that choice and now you have to make the choice on how to get happy. Because it's really not fair to either of you to choose to stay in the relationship unhappy.

Unless he is abusing you - and this doesn't sound like abuse, but maybe you haven't told us everything which is certainly your perogative - then I get the commitment thing. Now I'm not saying there aren't other legitimate reasons to get a divorce, I'm just saying that I understand your level of commitment to the marriage.

This is why I say I really, really, really recommend counseling for you. Counseling that focuses on YOU too - not on him, not on his actions or reactions, not on his reasons for the way he is, but on YOU. If he wants to get counseling for HIM, even better, but we're only able to talk with you. And you are only able to fix you. You can't fix or change him. And it's not even your job or responsibility so that's a relief, right?
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Old 07-18-2019, 08:59 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
22,013 posts, read 14,458,578 times
Reputation: 30995
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
But do you LIKE him?

I think that's so important.

Do you RESPECT him? That's important too.

You have implied or said several times that you have a very long, committed relationship which is great. I guess my take is this - if you are going to stay in this relationship, you have got to figure out how to be happy. Not how to get him to make you happy - how YOU are going to make you happy. No other person can do that for you, you have to do it yourself. If you're going to stay in the marriage, then you have made that choice and now you have to make the choice on how to get happy. Because it's really not fair to either of you to choose to stay in the relationship unhappy.

Unless he is abusing you - and this doesn't sound like abuse, but maybe you haven't told us everything which is certainly your perogative - then I get the commitment thing. Now I'm not saying there aren't other legitimate reasons to get a divorce, I'm just saying that I understand your level of commitment to the marriage.

This is why I say I really, really, really recommend counseling for you. Counseling that focuses on YOU too - not on him, not on his actions or reactions, not on his reasons for the way he is, but on YOU. If he wants to get counseling for HIM, even better, but we're only able to talk with you. And you are only able to fix you. You can't fix or change him. And it's not even your job or responsibility so that's a relief, right?
Yes, being happy, or at least accepting, is up to you. Neurotypical people have difficulties changing. I donít think someone on the spectrum would be able to change, especially this late in life.

I believe that how we think about things influences our well being. You have been doing some serious reflecting about what you want. I think that is good. I donít know if what you want is achievable, but I hope it is.

One question though: does he love you?
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Old 07-18-2019, 01:40 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,782 posts, read 4,777,332 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
One question though: does he love you?
He says he does. But then he does something like this:

We were sitting at dinner one night and he asked me if I knew the elevation of Mt. Everest. I said, "No, I don't. You've got a smartphone, look it up." He didn't.

On subsequent days there were a number of similar inquiries on various subjects, I can't remember them all, things like the differences between an F-14 and and F-16. Finally I snapped and said, "I'm not your personal Alexa. Why are you asking me these questions?" "Oh, I just thought you might know."

He didn't care about the height of a mountain or how to tell fighter jets apart or what the distinguishing features of the Tesla Model 3 are. I think he was exploring the bounds of my usefulness. He has this voice-activated thinking machine at his disposal, so he might as well play with it to see what it can do.

Using someone for your own amusement. That's cold.
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Old 07-18-2019, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
31,792 posts, read 20,065,669 times
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While of course I don't know the whole situation and interactions.... the one above seems like you are really taking the situation in the most negative light.

We all have our odd quirks. DH? I keep lists for everything. For those that are interactive (ie: shopping lists) I have linked DHs phone to mine, so he can add stuff. Does he? Nope. He looks at me and says we need milk. Is he a fully functioning, tech savvy adult? Yes. Will it change? Nope.

I have no question that the man loves me. I've turned and looked at him and asked when I became the secretary, or refused to update whatever list. But finally just did it because it is easier. I'm better at that stuff, and I care more about efficiencies. It's not like he is some worthless lump, and he does plenty for me.

I am also the official "looker upper of odd information", because... it's in my nature. With couples one normally takes on whatever chore because they care more about it, or it is in their nature to do it. Then the other one gets used to you doing it.

Maybe your husband was making conversation or having a verbal moment of free association.

But unless there are some extenuating circumstances, to feel he is intentionally using you for his amusement... seems quite a reach.

Best wishes.
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Old 07-18-2019, 03:30 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,782 posts, read 4,777,332 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
While of course I don't know the whole situation and interactions.... the one above seems like you are really taking the situation in the most negative light.

We all have our odd quirks. DH? I keep lists for everything. For those that are interactive (ie: shopping lists) I have linked DHs phone to mine, so he can add stuff. Does he? Nope. He looks at me and says we need milk. Is he a fully functioning, tech savvy adult? Yes. Will it change? Nope.
Not. the. same. at. all.

OK, I'm done. I don't need to make a case for myself. I don't have the energy to educate people about how unimaginably different people with neurological damage can be. Heartless, cold, uncaring are frequently used as adjectives by those who unknowingly ended up with one.

"The Aardvark's Wife" is required reading.

https://www.amazon.com/Aardvarks-Wif.../dp/1448667720


https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/...ardvark-s-wife
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Old 07-18-2019, 03:54 PM
 
7,302 posts, read 8,678,426 times
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The question then becomes: given that a spouse has neurological challenges, and if said spouse might not be able to change or maybe isn't motivated to do whatever work is involved to learn how to behave differently, what will you do?
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Old 07-18-2019, 04:05 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
31,792 posts, read 20,065,669 times
Reputation: 45927
I didn't know he had neurological damage.

So none of his behavior is personal towards you at all then? It's a kind of brain damage?

While I can understand how his changed behavior can make you feel bad at first, I think it would only be fair to learn NOT to take is personally.

Just like you would have to make allowances for a physical disability, I would think the same would apply to his mental and emotional limitations.
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Old 07-18-2019, 05:29 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
22,013 posts, read 14,458,578 times
Reputation: 30995
I sense that Fluffy has reached the end of her rope.

Fluffy, do whatever you need to do to find some balance. Separate for awhile perhaps. Or go on a retreat. Or—do whatever you need to do to think things through. It sounds to me that your DH is getting on your last nerve.

I am not trying to advise you, as much as commiserate and wish you well. I sense you probably know what you need to do.
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Old 07-18-2019, 06:21 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,978 posts, read 5,328,838 times
Reputation: 18085
I'm still trying to figure out what autism has to do with the Ann Landers line. Why was it even mentioned?

Is your life better with him or without him? Autism, MS, alcoholism, left handed, or whatever doesn't affect the answer. What would be a better life? Him in it or out of it.
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Old 07-18-2019, 06:24 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
45,157 posts, read 36,355,190 times
Reputation: 63941
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
Not. the. same. at. all.

OK, I'm done. I don't need to make a case for myself. I don't have the energy to educate people about how unimaginably different people with neurological damage can be. Heartless, cold, uncaring are frequently used as adjectives by those who unknowingly ended up with one.

"The Aardvark's Wife" is required reading.

https://www.amazon.com/Aardvarks-Wif.../dp/1448667720


https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/...ardvark-s-wife
Your husband has diagnosed neurological damage?
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