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Old 07-18-2019, 07:24 PM
 
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
4,763 posts, read 2,566,443 times
Reputation: 9280

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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
He says he does. But then he does something like this:

We were sitting at dinner one night and he asked me if I knew the elevation of Mt. Everest. I said, "No, I don't. You've got a smartphone, look it up." He didn't.

On subsequent days there were a number of similar inquiries on various subjects, I can't remember them all, things like the differences between an F-14 and and F-16. Finally I snapped and said, "I'm not your personal Alexa. Why are you asking me these questions?" "Oh, I just thought you might know."

He didn't care about the height of a mountain or how to tell fighter jets apart or what the distinguishing features of the Tesla Model 3 are. I think he was exploring the bounds of my usefulness. He has this voice-activated thinking machine at his disposal, so he might as well play with it to see what it can do.

Using someone for your own amusement. That's cold.
I doubt he is trying to use you for his own enjoyment.

From all he has done for you, it seems to me that he is trying his doggoned best to do what you want, i.e. to make you the center of his universe as you require, even to the point of asking you trivia questions just to engage you in conversation. Clearly, from what you have written, he is not a great conversationalist. He is a technical guy, and maybe he's an introvert. But he's trying to talk to you more, even if his conversation efforts may seem forced as he's trying to learn new ways to please you, things which may be difficult for him, especially if he doesn't engage you in the way you want yet.

Now, since he is retired, you two are spending many more hours of the day together (when you are in the same state), and situations as well as personality differences are getting magnified. This happens to all newly retired couples. Post-retirement chit chat is a learned skill for many. It's just a new but passing phase. It will get better. Just hang in there.
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Old 07-19-2019, 03:45 AM
 
7,002 posts, read 3,893,410 times
Reputation: 14931
Quote:
Originally Posted by blueherons View Post
Honestly, smack him in the head and tell him to cut it out.

It's driving you insane and it's making you resent him and if he wants to stay married, fix it.


Cut him off next time he starts a story.

It sounds like it is times for drastic measures.
Promoting violence, great advice.
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Old 07-19-2019, 03:54 AM
 
7,002 posts, read 3,893,410 times
Reputation: 14931
[quote=fluffythewondercat;55681031]My spouse has a story on tap for every occasion or subject. He becomes animated in the retelling. These anecdotes are apparently some kind of touchstone, the standard by which another person's idea is judged, the fount of wisdom that never runs dry.

They are also exclusively from his life as a child in the bosom of his family and as a young adult. Not once does he ever mention our nearly 30 years-long shared history. It's as if it never happened, or if he does remember it, it's of no importance. No pearl of wisdom was derived. No fun was had. No commitments were made. He literally does not remember that at one time in an emotional moment of great solemnity, we clung together and vowed to take care of each other for the rest of our lives.

But pick a subject at random and you'll get an impromptu performance of "Here's how, where, when and why my family did this." Family meaning, not-me. He only comes alive when he brings his family back to life.

Lately this has been bothering me, particularly since he treats me to a couple of these stories a day. When he does, my spirits plummet.

There's no "Remember when we..." or "How about that time when..." Fond memories of me? Forget it. If he could go back in time and ditch me in the present, he would. He's already doing it in his mind.

Although I felt no grief when my father died or worry when my mother recently (reportedly) had a stroke, I can construct an emotional model of what it feels like to lose one's parents. I have lost people who meant a lot to me. They come back to me at night in my dreams to visit. I don't feel the need to keep them alive by bringing them up in daily conversation with every person I meet. I don't mention them at all, except here and now. Talking about them would be unfair to my spouse because it would seem like I was comparing him to idealized people who are dead and have therefore achieved lasting perfection.

I have tried to talk to him about how his stories make me feel. He gives me a quick hug and walks off without saying a word.

How do I deal with this? Don't tell me it's a natural grief process. Constructing an inner emotional life that excludes the woman you promised to love, honor and cherish is not grief.[/QUOTE

For whatever reason you sound very resentful of your family and even more resentful that your husband is not resentful of his.
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Old 07-19-2019, 08:08 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,145 posts, read 12,898,188 times
Reputation: 31584
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
Promoting violence, great advice.
She didn't say to shoot him! A smack in the head can help you think
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Old 07-19-2019, 09:11 AM
 
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
11,595 posts, read 13,659,651 times
Reputation: 7798
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
Although I felt no grief when my father died or worry when my mother recently (reportedly) had a stroke, I can construct an emotional model of what it feels like to lose one's parents. I have lost people who meant a lot to me. They come back to me at night in my dreams to visit. I don't feel the need to keep them alive by bringing them up in daily conversation with every person I meet. I don't mention them at all, except here and now. Talking about them would be unfair to my spouse because it would seem like I was comparing him to idealized people who are dead and have therefore achieved lasting perfection.
I find this entire paragraph to be odd.
Were you not close to your father? Reportedly? Are we not sure? Are you getting bad information from someone? I don't care how brilliant a person is you cannot... "construct an emotional model" of what it's like to lose one's parents. Not if you are very close to them. I lost my whole family when I was young Not at once. One by one by one. When grandma died, we were close, and I thought "OK... I'll be able to handle mom dying now. I know what to expect".
Ono.
No no no no no.
It was next level grief. I was destroyed by that.
I mean, if you aren't close, I suppose.
And what the hell is wrong with people talking about dead friends and relatives? So you want people to just shut up about you when you pass? Because it's... keeping them alive? I mean isn't that what we are kind of supposed to do? Talking about these people does not automatically mean you are comparing them to your husband? I don't understand that last sentence at all.
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Old 07-19-2019, 11:43 AM
 
1,040 posts, read 315,426 times
Reputation: 2256
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peregrine View Post
And what the hell is wrong with people talking about dead friends and relatives? So you want people to just shut up about you when you pass? Because it's... keeping them alive? I mean isn't that what we are kind of supposed to do? Talking about these people does not automatically mean you are comparing them to your husband? I don't understand that last sentence at all.
I think you need to reread the thread.

It is the constant repetition of her husband's same old stories of his golden past which don't include her.

As I wrote earier:

Quote:
My husband does the same thing - repeating stories about his past and same thirty year old jokes. It's like a record needle getting stuck, going over the same three bars of music.
It gets tiresome listening to the same stories over and over. Second, he doesn't include stories of their shared life when taking to other people.

My husband grew up in Brooklyn. In the 1950 and early 1960's Brooklyn was a great place with tons of kids playing stickball in the streets and close knit families living within a few block. No one ever had a problem. It was perfect. When he and other ex-brooklynites of a certain age talk, it's all about reminiscing about their past.

I get some people would think he is keeping the pass alive, but after 30 years of hearing the same stories, I want to pull my hair out!

It is like watching the same rerun on TV and not being able to change the channel to something that interests or includes you.
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Old 07-19-2019, 11:58 AM
 
7,302 posts, read 8,678,426 times
Reputation: 9243
The options invariably boil down to 2 main choices

1. Accept what is (deal with it, make peace with it, surrender to any expectation it will be different).

or

2. Reject/Leave (the relationship, the job, the situation, whatever is causing the pain, gain space, clarity, and finally a resolution).


Those aren't trite choices, each is important in its own right and takes time to decide.
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Old 07-19-2019, 01:33 PM
 
Location: Germany
187 posts, read 32,862 times
Reputation: 346
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal View Post
I think you need to reread the thread.

It is the constant repetition of her husband's same old stories of his golden past which don't include her.

As I wrote earier:



It gets tiresome listening to the same stories over and over. Second, he doesn't include stories of their shared life when taking to other people.

My husband grew up in Brooklyn. In the 1950 and early 1960's Brooklyn was a great place with tons of kids playing stickball in the streets and close knit families living within a few block. No one ever had a problem. It was perfect. When he and other ex-brooklynites of a certain age talk, it's all about reminiscing about their past.

I get some people would think he is keeping the pass alive, but after 30 years of hearing the same stories, I want to pull my hair out!

It is like watching the same rerun on TV and not being able to change the channel to something that interests or includes you.
What if her husband is subconsciously finding the root of the "unwanted" situation here?
If you talk about your past and your partner you you deeply love can't open up about theirs aren't you gonna feel like you are being kept at a distance?

OP we can always find excuses why someone is treating us badly. Truth is most of the time that person is living their life as well as they can.

I agree with what Peregrine said. That paragraph is oddly written. It seems like you are avoiding to face the truth. It's sad to lose someone. Even if you didn't feel close, they were your family. Those ties are always there even if we don't like it. People in our lives matter, we want to share, not only our painful past, but our happy past as well.
If you want to just ask him: How come you never tell stories about the stuff that we lived together?
Trying to understand other people is not a crime.
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Old 07-19-2019, 06:58 PM
 
7,002 posts, read 3,893,410 times
Reputation: 14931
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
She didn't say to shoot him! A smack in the head can help you think
Can you imagine the uproar if it was suggested to the husband that he give the wife a smack in the head? And the writer claimed to be serious.
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Old 07-20-2019, 05:08 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
22,013 posts, read 14,458,578 times
Reputation: 30995
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
Can you imagine the uproar if it was suggested to the husband that he give the wife a smack in the head? And the writer claimed to be serious.
I took the answer humorously, but no, no hitting please!
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