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Old 07-21-2019, 08:57 PM
 
960 posts, read 364,781 times
Reputation: 1722

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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
He says he does. But then he does something like this:

We were sitting at dinner one night and he asked me if I knew the elevation of Mt. Everest. I said, "No, I don't. You've got a smartphone, look it up." He didn't.

On subsequent days there were a number of similar inquiries on various subjects, I can't remember them all, things like the differences between an F-14 and and F-16. Finally I snapped and said, "I'm not your personal Alexa. Why are you asking me these questions?" "Oh, I just thought you might know."

He didn't care about the height of a mountain or how to tell fighter jets apart or what the distinguishing features of the Tesla Model 3 are. I think he was exploring the bounds of my usefulness. He has this voice-activated thinking machine at his disposal, so he might as well play with it to see what it can do.

Using someone for your own amusement. That's cold.
To me, and this is just me. It sounds like he has been working your nerves for a while and it seems grave at this point because he isn't making you feel special and loved. I'm sure he was annoying like this when you married him.

You need a break. Go do some things for you, a trip, a hobby or something. Don't throw you marriage down the drain unless you think it's absolutely the last result.
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Old 07-21-2019, 09:22 PM
 
7,002 posts, read 3,893,410 times
Reputation: 14931
Quote:
Originally Posted by saltwater_gypsy View Post
To me, and this is just me. It sounds like he has been working your nerves for a while and it seems grave at this point because he isn't making you feel special and loved. I'm sure he was annoying like this when you married him.

You need a break. Go do some things for you, a trip, a hobby or something. Don't throw you marriage down the drain unless you think it's absolutely the last result.
Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't this the woman who moved from San Francisco to Arizona even though her husband was vehemently against it just because it's what she wanted to do? What more can she do for herself while disregarding his wishes?
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Old 07-22-2019, 09:50 AM
 
3,060 posts, read 2,031,109 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Your husband has diagnosed neurological damage?
I thought he was autistic. Wasn't that the diagnosis before?
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Old 07-22-2019, 10:12 AM
 
7,002 posts, read 3,893,410 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nonchalance View Post
I thought he was autistic. Wasn't that the diagnosis before?
The city-data professionals have come up with a number of diagnoses.
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Old 07-22-2019, 10:22 AM
 
3,060 posts, read 2,031,109 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
The city-data professionals have come up with a number of diagnoses.
No, I thought that the OP had. Or maybe she had said Asperger's?
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Old 07-22-2019, 12:58 PM
Lou
 
276 posts, read 112,017 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
That’s the $64,000 question. Or was, anyway. I finally concluded it doesn’t matter. I can’t get a diagnosis and if I had one, what would I do with it? Make him go to Autism Camp every summer? Compare brain scans? Have him wear a scarlet A? . He is who he is, whatever he is.
It's not up to you decide whether it's worthwhile for him to be evaluated for a suspected developmental condition, let alone basing that decision on whether there's enough benefit in it for you. If he has ASD, the evaluation and any prescribed therapy is first and foremost for him. While he's going through any therapy he might need, maybe you should go through your own therapy to learn more about his "love language" and whether you can adapt to it.

If the person you married might have ASD, I'd think you'd understand that his obsessive reminiscing isn't a matter of marital disregard. He probably can't help it, regardless of how you "want (need) to be cared about." If in the end it still isn't tenable, at least go through the divorce compassionately.

ASD isn't necessarily the only reasonable explanation. His reminiscing could be for unresolved longings from a time and place that no longer exists. Those things don't dutifully evaporate just because you're his wife. Life is more complicated than that.

You can't force him to be evaluated, but you can talk to professionals for advice on how to suggest to him that he should be evaluated. If you live in the US, your county should have an intermediate unit that deals with this kind of thing. That's where my family member got his ASD diagnosis. Autism Speaks might be able to offer guidance.

If you start reading more about ASD, don't fall into the hole of thinking you can wing a kitchen-table diagnosis. I'm just covering the base, because I've heard my share of lay people who thought they had the smarts to pull that off. That shouldn't even be a Plan B. The only acceptable diagnosis comes from a qualified evaluation.

Last edited by Lou; 07-22-2019 at 02:27 PM..
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Old 07-22-2019, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
45,157 posts, read 36,355,190 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nonchalance View Post
No, I thought that the OP had. Or maybe she had said Asperger's?
She said he is autistic and she also said he had some neurological damage. I don't know - I was asking if he had been professionally diagnosed as having neurological damage.

From post #45 by the OP:
Quote:
OK, I'm done. I don't need to make a case for myself. I don't have the energy to educate people about how unimaginably different people with neurological damage can be. Heartless, cold, uncaring are frequently used as adjectives by those who unknowingly ended up with one.
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Old 07-22-2019, 08:07 PM
 
142 posts, read 63,271 times
Reputation: 321
If I were in your situation, I would go stay in your great house in Arizona. Let him chill for a while in California and run out of people to retell his stories to. In the meantime, enjoy your beautiful desert home, relax, focus on doing what brings you happiness. Hell, some couples have marriages that thrive this way. He sounds quirky and you sound capable and strong (albeit fed up with being omitted from the stories). Give yourself some breathing room over in Arizona with no timetable and the answer might become clear.

edit to add: If I recall correctly, the amount of time spent in Arizona is seven months (for residency).
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Old Today, 08:13 AM
 
3,060 posts, read 2,031,109 times
Reputation: 6053
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
She said he is autistic and she also said he had some neurological damage. I don't know - I was asking if he had been professionally diagnosed as having neurological damage.

From post #45 by the OP:
Yes, I was just seeking clarification... if he has not been officially diagnosed, shouldn't that be a first step?
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Old Today, 05:01 PM
 
Location: Eastern Washington
14,290 posts, read 45,005,274 times
Reputation: 12922
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I can't seem to teach him to care about me the way I want (need) to be cared about. So if we're talking realistic choices, that's out.

I guess we can try marriage counseling again, only I get to pick the counselor this time. I don't have much hope for it. He lied to the last counselor. You'd think therapists would pick up on self-serving statements. OTOH, they know who's paying the tab.

There's the obvious: I could get a divorce. The AZ house would have to be sold. I'd end up with a pile of money I currently have no control over and be single again with no immediate place to live. I'll have to find out what the Arizona residency requirements are before I file. I'm an Arizona resident. He's a California resident. No idea how that works.

But the truth is I picked that house out, I love it and I rule the roost there. That's a lot to give up.

Maybe just emotionally distance yourself from him, encourage him to go live in Cali while you stay in AZ. It's a bit cynical but maybe this would work. I know a few people who remain married for the convenience of health insurance, stuff like that, but have emotionally checked out from each other.


Another idea is maybe you can negotiate a divorce such that you keep the AZ house? Give him the lion's share of some other stuff that he likes better?



I'm really trying to come up with some good, practical ideas that would help you. I'm not coming up with very good ones, but am posting up what I come up with.
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