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Old 07-17-2019, 10:09 PM
 
5,483 posts, read 2,364,601 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
My take is that your girls learned their anxiety from seeing you constantly anxious. I have seen this very thing in my own family. i was an anxious new mother and remained somewhat anxious for several years. My oldest, who experienced more of my anxiety has always been more anxious than my younger two. Thank goodness some of this has relaxed, although I see it when I hear about deadlines

I donít know what to suggest for your girls. But I wonder if you could try yoga? And, perhaps try massage therapy?

I did not sleep well during perimenopause. If you are going through that, well, I sympathize. But if the inability to sleep is a longstanding problem, then you probably need to find out how to mitigate the problem.

One thing to try to help you sleep, and to work off your nervous energy, is to begin a physical fitness program. You might get a trainer for a few sessions to learn some good exercises. But walking or using an elliptical would help dissipate nervous energy, and would tire you enough to sleep.

I think you will have to try a few things to see what works for you.
Yep.
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Old 07-17-2019, 10:54 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,134 posts, read 23,037,051 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
I have 2 daughters which we will call D1 and D2 for ease of writing.

D1 is a young adult living out of state. She has always been ADHD and high anxiety which presents itself mostly as anger, then turns into depression. Her frustration threshold is almost zero, and thus, she is often frustrated and angry even with the simplest of tasks. When it comes to something that is frustrating and anger producing for even the most laid back person- like going to the DMV for example- I pretty much know that it will never get done, or will be such a $h!t show that I have to prepare myself for days. She has had suicidal ideology in the past, and for years since, I have felt like I was standing on the ledge of a skyscraper in a wind storm, wondering when I would get knocked off the edge.

D2 is a teenager at home. D2 is not quite the level of concern as D1. D2 has anxiety, but it is more of the "productive type" like mine. She gets everything done, very fast, very perfect, very efficient. Organizes all her friends, and all of their school work for them. She has some OCD that is starting to concern me about germs. She has constant hand sanitizer - one in bathroom, one on side table, one in car, one in backpack

They are both in counseling, so no need to go down that road. D1 was on meds for years until they seemed to make her worse. She is much better off them, but uses CBD and the real stuff (she is in a legal state) which helps.

This is about me this time.
I have not really slept for years.
I am constantly worrying about tiny things like if their clothes are clean, to big things like when they are driving long distances or in severe weather.
I seem to feel every single emotion they feel. I actually often pray/meditate for that to happen so that they do not take on more than they can handle.
It is unrelenting.

Yes, it'd be nice to let go of this for myself, but more importantly, I'd like to let go of it for their sake, as I believe it is making them worse. I also use counseling and CBD only (not in a legal state).

Since I believe you will ask, yes, dad and I have a wonderful and loving marriage, no type of addiction, abuse, or other negative factors. He is very involved, but so laid back that he never worries. I have to beg him to please worry so that I can breathe a little (doesn't usually work- just not in his nature).

Is anyone like this- motherhood-related anxiety disorder (I made it up)?
What did you do?
Are there books? Support groups?
I know you don't have any addiction issues, but CBT is super helpful (cognitive behavioral therapy) and there is a free online community for a non-AA recovery option based on CBT. You don't have to have any addictive behaviors to feel welcome and there is a separate group for families or friends of an addicted person. That group is super helpful for helping you separate your responsibilities from someone else's. They have a forum and live video/audio meetings option and app, and also a chat app where there is someone available to chat 24/7. It's all free. Their book is only around $13.

Their whole deal is about a rational approach rather than the religion-based AA. Anyway, it's a free option where you get the same info that you'd have to pay a counselor for, that's based on CBT.

https://www.smartrecovery.org/

I use them for the free CBT education. I had a counselor who helped me learn CBT and she's no longer available and the counselors available to me through my insurance aren't trained in it, so I use the online meetings to learn about CBT, even though their focus is on recovery, you still get the benefit of it even if you aren't an addict.

Best wishes. I think sometimes that it's our children's job to kind of slap us into letting them go. There's no clear line for parents where one day your kids are your responsibility and the next they are adults who don't need you. And, since we've been doing it for so many years, we're not likely to wake up one day and just stop parenting the way we always have. The transition is not easy. You aren't alone in that.
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Old 07-18-2019, 08:47 AM
 
Location: DFW
580 posts, read 163,639 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
A certain amount of worry is normal, of course. But it can go to a point that it actually harms your relationship with your child and affects their level of worry as well.

It's one thing to share your concerns with your children, but it's better to do it in a way that doesnít make the other person feel that you perceive them to be incapable of managing their own affairs.

There have been studies that show that disappointing their parents is the top concern for children, and that concern can still be a major stressor as they age. Are your daughters aware of your level of anxiety?

Is this something that started when your oldest daughter was young and has carried over/gotten worse? Were you able to model stress tolerance for them?

Does your older daughter text you a lot, or in times of stress? The way we communicate these days, with constant, instant communication, can make it more difficult for parents to disengage, even when the kid lives out of town. You still have to enforce emotional boundaries when they're out of the house. They can't keep you tethered with a phone like a leash.

It's interesting to hear you say that you don't know what to say to the therapist. They can guide the session and help you figure out how to honestly think about your own level of involvement in your kids' life, how your daughters are receiving it, and whether you are enabling your daughters, seeking to control them, or providing support, etc.

It does sound like you need some better stress management/coping skills. Have you been in for a general checkup lately?
You are awesome and thank you.
Yes, D1 does utilize me as a sounding board for everything. Her constant anger and negativity leave me chewed up and spit out almost daily.
You are on the button when you say that I make them feel like they can't do things (hubby says same), but they need to DO THINGS! And it affects ME when they don't- like wait too long, ignore, etc, and then things are impossible or cost a lot of money, and guess who they turn to?
Yes, I started feeling anxiety as soon as a became a mom, like instantly. I haven't slept well in 21 years!
My physical health is phenomenal. MD told me he has a list of 50 y/o patients who would pay good money to use my physical report (to save on health and life insurance is, what I assume, he means). I have been a very (some say to the extreme) clean eater for 20 years now, and never ever falter. I have taught fitness classes since I was 17.
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Old 07-18-2019, 08:49 AM
 
Location: DFW
580 posts, read 163,639 times
Reputation: 911
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
I know you don't have any addiction issues, but CBT is super helpful (cognitive behavioral therapy) and there is a free online community for a non-AA recovery option based on CBT. You don't have to have any addictive behaviors to feel welcome and there is a separate group for families or friends of an addicted person. That group is super helpful for helping you separate your responsibilities from someone else's. They have a forum and live video/audio meetings option and app, and also a chat app where there is someone available to chat 24/7. It's all free. Their book is only around $13.

Their whole deal is about a rational approach rather than the religion-based AA. Anyway, it's a free option where you get the same info that you'd have to pay a counselor for, that's based on CBT.

https://www.smartrecovery.org/

I use them for the free CBT education. I had a counselor who helped me learn CBT and she's no longer available and the counselors available to me through my insurance aren't trained in it, so I use the online meetings to learn about CBT, even though their focus is on recovery, you still get the benefit of it even if you aren't an addict.

Best wishes. I think sometimes that it's our children's job to kind of slap us into letting them go. There's no clear line for parents where one day your kids are your responsibility and the next they are adults who don't need you. And, since we've been doing it for so many years, we're not likely to wake up one day and just stop parenting the way we always have. The transition is not easy. You aren't alone in that.
You are fantastic! Thank you so much!
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Old 07-18-2019, 08:49 AM
 
Location: Middle America
36,707 posts, read 42,002,004 times
Reputation: 50650
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
but they need to DO THINGS! And it affects ME when they don't- like wait too long, ignore, etc, and then things are impossible or cost a lot of money, and guess who they turn to?
What does this mean?

Examples?
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Old 07-18-2019, 08:58 AM
 
6,662 posts, read 2,404,406 times
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OP...do you think maybe YOU'RE OCD? I'm no expert, for sure...but it kind of seems like a maybe?
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Old 07-18-2019, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,452 posts, read 41,993,006 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post

but they need to DO THINGS! And it affects ME when they don't- like wait too long, ignore, etc, and then things are impossible or cost a lot of money, and guess who they turn to?

You've had all these years to equip them to "do things." It's time to disengage. As some here have said, let them fail.

You're not doing them or yourself any favors by failing to establish emotional boundaries with them.

I think you should do some reading about "learned helplessness." It's a very common outcome for kids of parents who have anxiety, and parents of children with disabilities.

https://www.empoweringparents.com/ar...or-your-child/
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Old 07-18-2019, 09:43 AM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
8,927 posts, read 13,689,809 times
Reputation: 11615
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
You are on the button when you say that I make them feel like they can't do things (hubby says same), but they need to DO THINGS! And it affects ME when they don't- like wait too long, ignore, etc, and then things are impossible or cost a lot of money, and guess who they turn to?
Okay, so that's when you tell them, "not my problem, you caused this, you need to fix it on your own". You can give them advice on how to do that, and you can remind them that it needs to be done, but you shouldn't be doing it for them. Particularly the 21 year old adult. I assume you mean things like going to the DMV. She obviously needed to go but wasn't going to unless you forced her to by going with her. That's exactly the kind of thing that needs to stop, and once she realizes that you won't be enabling her anymore, trust me, she WILL start doing things herself and she WILL be able to handle the frustration of it. As long as you continue to treat her like a child, she will continue to behave like one around you. You say she lives out of state, so obviously she can manage a good deal without you - stop babying her when she's home and eventually, she'll grow up.
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Old 07-18-2019, 10:33 AM
 
Location: DFW
580 posts, read 163,639 times
Reputation: 911
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
What does this mean?

Examples?
D1 was sitting a stop light on July 4 at 5am because she has to be at work at 5:30. Someone who had apparently been partying all night rammed her car without stopping (passed out??) and totaled it (yes, she was injured- whole other story- poor baby)
So now it is time to settle her total loss. Only, insurance will not settle it until it is cleaned out and released. I am the owner of the car and the insurance, and the one who would receive the total loss settlement check, the one who has over the years paid thousands on the car that I could lose if she doesn't go get her belongings and release it.
Dad and I had to harass, fight, and threaten to get her to do this because we want and need to get this settled.
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Old 07-18-2019, 10:34 AM
 
Location: DFW
580 posts, read 163,639 times
Reputation: 911
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
OP...do you think maybe YOU'RE OCD? I'm no expert, for sure...but it kind of seems like a maybe?
Not in the purest sense of the definition - like have to lock my door 3 times, check that the stove is turned off over and over again, etc.

How do you figure?
Interesting thought
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