U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-18-2019, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,452 posts, read 41,993,006 times
Reputation: 83501

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
D1 was sitting a stop light on July 4 at 5am because she has to be at work at 5:30. Someone who had apparently been partying all night rammed her car without stopping (passed out??) and totaled it (yes, she was injured- whole other story- poor baby)
So now it is time to settle her total loss. Only, insurance will not settle it until it is cleaned out and released. I am the owner of the car and the insurance, and the one who would receive the total loss settlement check, the one who has over the years paid thousands on the car that I could lose if she doesn't go get her belongings and release it.
Dad and I had to harass, fight, and threaten to get her to do this because we want and need to get this settled.
This is not really the greatest example, though, because it IS your car and you are the insured. Right or wrong, many young adults who don't have experience with situations like this would drag their feet, not understanding the seriousness of the issue.

This is more like a problem that the three of you could have worked out together, with you taking the lead as the more experienced adult and saying, "We're picking you up tomorrow at 9 to get your stuff out of the car."

The broad issue you're writing about, though, is a complicated problem that involves the whole family dynamic, and it's going to take serious work and effort by all to get to a more tolerable place.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-18-2019, 10:41 AM
 
Location: DFW
580 posts, read 163,639 times
Reputation: 911
Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK View Post
Okay, so that's when you tell them, "not my problem, you caused this, you need to fix it on your own". You can give them advice on how to do that, and you can remind them that it needs to be done, but you shouldn't be doing it for them. Particularly the 21 year old adult. I assume you mean things like going to the DMV. She obviously needed to go but wasn't going to unless you forced her to by going with her. That's exactly the kind of thing that needs to stop, and once she realizes that you won't be enabling her anymore, trust me, she WILL start doing things herself and she WILL be able to handle the frustration of it. As long as you continue to treat her like a child, she will continue to behave like one around you. You say she lives out of state, so obviously she can manage a good deal without you - stop babying her when she's home and eventually, she'll grow up.
I do that at first, but when she gets beyond-the-norm upset it brings back those horrible memories- almost PTSD-like symptoms for me - of when she wanted to die, especially when she says stuff like that again within her rages of terror

If she ever succeeded, how would I ever live with the fact that "if only I had done this one little tiny thing to help her" she might still be here?

I cannot explain the level of fear I have. Nothing in the entire world scares me now that I have had to go through coming close to losing a child.

I told all of this to my counselor to the best of my ability, and she had me read this book that is basically about finding your passion (???) It had nothing to do with what I was trying to say......and do I seem like a person who minces words to you???

So I sent her these 3 papers that I had to write for some yoga training I am doing. I hope they explained a little better. We shall see....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-18-2019, 10:42 AM
 
Location: DFW
580 posts, read 163,639 times
Reputation: 911
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
This is not really the greatest example, though, because it IS your car and you are the insured. Right or wrong, many young adults who don't have experience with situations like this would drag their feet, not understanding the seriousness of the issue.

This is more like a problem that the three of you could have worked out together, with you taking the lead as the more experienced adult and saying, "We're picking you up tomorrow at 9 to get your stuff out of the car."

The broad issue you're writing about, though, is a complicated problem that involves the whole family dynamic, and it's going to take serious work and effort by all to get to a more tolerable place.
I asked her dad to fly up there and do that (to the tune of an $850 last minute ticket) and he refused. I do not have the time off work to be able to. Tickets on a Friday evening after work are three times that price, so then it is a money issue- UGH!!!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-18-2019, 11:04 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,452 posts, read 41,993,006 times
Reputation: 83501
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
I asked her dad to fly up there and do that (to the tune of an $850 last minute ticket) and he refused. I do not have the time off work to be able to. Tickets on a Friday evening after work are three times that price, so then it is a money issue- UGH!!!!
How old is she, and why is she living out of state?

It may be too much for her to manage right now. There are ways for her to be independent while closer to home so you can ease out of the role you're putting yourself in right now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-18-2019, 11:09 AM
 
Location: Dark Side of the Moon
206 posts, read 44,613 times
Reputation: 581
Girl, you need to let go.

Our children, beyond our basic care and guidance, will do and be what they want. Let it happen without driving yourself insane.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-18-2019, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
8,927 posts, read 13,689,809 times
Reputation: 11615
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
I do that at first, but when she gets beyond-the-norm upset it brings back those horrible memories- almost PTSD-like symptoms for me - of when she wanted to die, especially when she says stuff like that again within her rages of terror

If she ever succeeded, how would I ever live with the fact that "if only I had done this one little tiny thing to help her" she might still be here?
That's called emotional blackmail and you definitely should not give in to it. She's not going to commit suicide because you wouldn't go to the DMV with her. She's manipulating you because she knows she can.

Quote:
I cannot explain the level of fear I have. Nothing in the entire world scares me now that I have had to go through coming close to losing a child.
I'm sure that's true, but that's not going to happen just because you stop doing things like going to the DMV with her.

Quote:
I told all of this to my counselor to the best of my ability, and she had me read this book that is basically about finding your passion (???) It had nothing to do with what I was trying to say......and do I seem like a person who minces words to you???

So I sent her these 3 papers that I had to write for some yoga training I am doing. I hope they explained a little better. We shall see....
Maybe she thinks if you find a passion of your own, your focus will be elsewhere and less on the anxiety over your kids, and you'll have less time to do everything for them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-18-2019, 02:10 PM
 
Location: DFW
580 posts, read 163,639 times
Reputation: 911
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
How old is she, and why is she living out of state?

It may be too much for her to manage right now. There are ways for her to be independent while closer to home so you can ease out of the role you're putting yourself in right now.
21
college
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-18-2019, 02:31 PM
 
4,072 posts, read 2,638,495 times
Reputation: 8832
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
If she ever succeeded, how would I ever live with the fact that "if only I had done this one little tiny thing to help her" she might still be here?

I cannot explain the level of fear I have. Nothing in the entire world scares me now that I have had to go through coming close to losing a child.
..
It sounds like you need a different therapist. I had someone close to me that was like your daughter and was threatening suicide if I didn't do X. My therapist told me that if someone really wants to kill themselves they will and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. Usually if a person is talking about suicide there is less of a chance, according to her, that they will go through with it. She also told me that if the person threatened suicide again to tell them I was calling 911 and then call. Every single time they threatened it, I should call 911.

So the next time they threatened to kill themselves, I told them I was calling 911. They stopped threatening suicide. They're still around 10+ years later and we exchange Christmas cards but that's the extent of our interaction.

The therapist was very helpful in my situation. There should be a lot of therapists where you live. I'd ask your doctor for a referral. I think getting help should be a priority even if you have to make up time at work. If you don't, I don't see anything changing. I don't think your daughter will change your behavior when she gets older. In fact, it may get worse. Navigating a working environment will likely be more difficult for her than being in school. There's also the fact that you won't be around forever to help her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-18-2019, 02:52 PM
 
Location: Germany
182 posts, read 31,749 times
Reputation: 341
Do you talk with your family about your emotions? or is it a big pink elephant in the room? Are there only rules in your family? must everything be ok? Do you feel like you get a bit too controlling at times?
Youre a mother and of course you will worry about your kids, but they will make mistakes even if you give them advice and it's going to be ok. If you are giving love it's enough. Just take care of yourself first. You don't need to do everything alone. Don't be too critical of yourself. You are probably a better parent than you think.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-18-2019, 03:52 PM
 
Location: DFW
580 posts, read 163,639 times
Reputation: 911
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gohangr View Post
Do you talk with your family about your emotions? or is it a big pink elephant in the room? Are there only rules in your family? must everything be ok? Do you feel like you get a bit too controlling at times?
Youre a mother and of course you will worry about your kids, but they will make mistakes even if you give them advice and it's going to be ok. If you are giving love it's enough. Just take care of yourself first. You don't need to do everything alone. Don't be too critical of yourself. You are probably a better parent than you think.
Yes to all, except about the rules. I'm not real strict.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top