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Old 07-18-2019, 06:53 PM
Location: planet earth
4,866 posts, read 1,863,572 times
Reputation: 10849


Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
I do that at first, but when she gets beyond-the-norm upset it brings back those horrible memories- almost PTSD-like symptoms for me - of when she wanted to die, especially when she says stuff like that again within her rages of terror

If she ever succeeded, how would I ever live with the fact that "if only I had done this one little tiny thing to help her" she might still be here?

I cannot explain the level of fear I have. Nothing in the entire world scares me now that I have had to go through coming close to losing a child.

I told all of this to my counselor to the best of my ability, and she had me read this book that is basically about finding your passion (???) It had nothing to do with what I was trying to say......and do I seem like a person who minces words to you???

So I sent her these 3 papers that I had to write for some yoga training I am doing. I hope they explained a little better. We shall see....
I relate to a lot of the extreme terror you feel - I do believe it is PTSD.

I am doing EMDR right now, and am excited to see how I do.

On some level (just my personal opinion), you have got to let go emotionally and realize that you are not responsible if your kid lives or dies. You WERE responsible, when she was a child, but you don't have that kind of control or responsibility anymore. Try accepting worse-case scenarios - that's what I did and it helped me to come to terms with the fact that no matter how much I might want to, I cannot "fix" or "save" anyone else, and
"rescuing" is not "helpful."

You are all on your own paths.
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Old 07-19-2019, 01:43 AM
Location: Germany
182 posts, read 31,749 times
Reputation: 341
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
Yes to all, except about the rules. I'm not real strict.
You sound a lot like my mom actually. I don't know if the situations are similar but what my experience has taught me is that even if the parent is really well-meaning, the controlling part takes a big toll on self confidence. I had to learn to do stuff by myself on my own because my mom was also not strict at all. I had to put boundaries on my own, because she wouldn't - out of concern. But you have to show some faith to your children.
If you treat your daughters like they are incapable of doing something right(for example always going with them to something because you know it's not gonna get done) then they are gonna feel useless. If you want them to go do a chore, simply tell them some days sooner, and if they don't do it correctly just tell them exactly how to do it and let them go again and just say thanks afterwards. You will need some patience but I'm sure it's better than having everything on your shoulders at all times.

And by the way, even if we fought, even if we cried, even if we didn't talk sometimes, I never for one second thought that my mom was a bad parent. Just a bit over-protective.
Hope it helps.
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Old 07-19-2019, 08:06 AM
2,843 posts, read 897,811 times
Reputation: 4236
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
I have 2 daughters which we will call D1 and D2 for ease of writing.

D1 is a young adult living out of state. She has always been ADHD and high anxiety which presents itself mostly as anger, then turns into depression. Her frustration threshold is almost zero, and thus, she is often frustrated and angry even with the simplest of tasks. When it comes to something that is frustrating and anger producing for even the most laid back person- like going to the DMV for example- I pretty much know that it will never get done, or will be such a $h!t show that I have to prepare myself for days. She has had suicidal ideology in the past, and for years since, I have felt like I was standing on the ledge of a skyscraper in a wind storm, wondering when I would get knocked off the edge.

D2 is a teenager at home. D2 is not quite the level of concern as D1. D2 has anxiety, but it is more of the "productive type" like mine. She gets everything done, very fast, very perfect, very efficient. Organizes all her friends, and all of their school work for them. She has some OCD that is starting to concern me about germs. She has constant hand sanitizer - one in bathroom, one on side table, one in car, one in backpack

They are both in counseling, so no need to go down that road. D1 was on meds for years until they seemed to make her worse. She is much better off them, but uses CBD and the real stuff (she is in a legal state) which helps.

This is about me this time.
I have not really slept for years.
I am constantly worrying about tiny things like if their clothes are clean, to big things like when they are driving long distances or in severe weather.
I seem to feel every single emotion they feel. I actually often pray/meditate for that to happen so that they do not take on more than they can handle.
It is unrelenting.

Yes, it'd be nice to let go of this for myself, but more importantly, I'd like to let go of it for their sake, as I believe it is making them worse. I also use counseling and CBD only (not in a legal state).

Since I believe you will ask, yes, dad and I have a wonderful and loving marriage, no type of addiction, abuse, or other negative factors. He is very involved, but so laid back that he never worries. I have to beg him to please worry so that I can breathe a little (doesn't usually work- just not in his nature).

Is anyone like this- motherhood-related anxiety disorder (I made it up)?
What did you do?
Are there books? Support groups?

If you raise your kids right and have a very close relationship with them, it takes away a lot of the stress and worry. My two are grown, and I know they are ok and leading productive lives, so I sleep very well at night.
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Old 07-19-2019, 08:28 AM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,447 posts, read 41,993,006 times
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Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
Yes to all, except about the rules. I'm not real strict.
Well … … you realize this ^^ is a problem, right?

It sounds like even at 21 your daughter just isn't emotionally mature enough to attend college that far away, and you have enabling tendencies, which is going to set up your younger daughter for her own set of problems.

If you two had a healthier pattern established, she wouldn't be holding you hostage with threats of suicide, and you wouldn't be looking to your husband to take on this emotional baggage you're carrying around.

I would bring her home for at least a semester and start family counseling so you all can learn some healthier coping skills and she can be better equipped to live independently.
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Old 07-19-2019, 08:38 AM
10,321 posts, read 4,120,592 times
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A couple thoughts.

I feel your pain. When my kids were in college they wouldn't take care of stuff either, and if it was just going to affect them, that's one thing. But yeah, we had some car issues that needed to be DEALT with, it's my car, and that was frustrating as hell.

Second, I have anxiety also and I believe that long term anxiety isn't really "caused" by something, but rather, you have the anxiety and it finds somewhere to fester and thrive. In this case, it's your kids. If your kids suddenly grabbed the reins, you'd have anxiety over _______. Whatever that would be.

It's like depression. People who are depressed often believe they are depressed about something, rather than, their brains are depressed and they're guessing at a cause.

I had a turning point when I overheard one of my sons say to another, about a back injury, "don't tell Mom, you know how she is". Meaning, I would hound them and hound them and worry about it. I decided I needed to stop that, and let them worry about themselves.
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Old 07-19-2019, 12:14 PM
Location: Raleigh
8,329 posts, read 6,193,273 times
Reputation: 11645
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
D1 was sitting a stop light on July 4 at 5am because she has to be at work at 5:30. Someone who had apparently been partying all night rammed her car without stopping (passed out??) and totaled it (yes, she was injured- whole other story- poor baby)
So now it is time to settle her total loss. Only, insurance will not settle it until it is cleaned out and released. I am the owner of the car and the insurance, and the one who would receive the total loss settlement check, the one who has over the years paid thousands on the car that I could lose if she doesn't go get her belongings and release it.
Dad and I had to harass, fight, and threaten to get her to do this because we want and need to get this settled.

You didn't. You made that choice. "The car is at this address. You need to clear your stuff by this date. This is the number to call. Otherwise its going to the crusher."

A family member sent me a pamphlet from Al Anon about detachment. https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf

Below, I in brackets I took out references specifically to drinking. Your husband seems to have a healthy understanding of what he can and can't control, and healthy reactions to it.

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It
does not imply judgement or condemnation
of the person or situation from which we are
detaching. Separating ourselves from the
adverse effects of another person’s [personal shortcomings] can be a means of detaching: this does
not necessarily require physical separation.
Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.
[Mental Illness] is [often] a family disease. Living
with the effects of someone else’s [mental illness]
is too devastating for most people to bear
without help.
In Al-Anon we learn nothing we say or do
can cause or stop someone else’s behavior.
We are not responsible for another person’s
disease or recovery from it.
Detachment allows us to let go of our
obsession with another’s behavior and begin
to lead happier and more manageable lives,
lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by
a Power greater than ourselves. We can still
love the person without liking the behavior.
• Not to suffer because of the actions or
reactions of other people
• Not to allow ourselves to be used or
abused by others in the interest of
another’s recovery
• Not to do for others what they can do
for themselves
• Not to manipulate situations so others
will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not
drink, or behave as we see fit
• Not to cover up for another’s mistakes
or misdeeds
• Not to create a crisis
• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events
By learning to focus on ourselves, our
attitudes and well-being improve. We allow
the alcoholics in our lives to experience the
consequences of their own actions.
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Old 07-19-2019, 12:28 PM
Location: Middle America
36,707 posts, read 42,002,004 times
Reputation: 50645
Your adult child is manipulating you (she may be mentally ill...that doesn't make it less true).

If her ineffectiveness dealing with her responsibilities after a car accident is costing you money, you need to address how she's going to compensate you for that. Kids gloves off.
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Old Yesterday, 05:19 PM
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,954 posts, read 14,435,970 times
Reputation: 30944
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
I asked her dad to fly up there and do that (to the tune of an $850 last minute ticket) and he refused. I do not have the time off work to be able to. Tickets on a Friday evening after work are three times that price, so then it is a money issue- UGH!!!!
Honestly, I think I’d tell daughter that if I had to travel to her town and take care of this myself, I would drive the car home, or sell it. She is not mature enough to handle car ownership. And then, I’d follow through.

I agree with the others that your daughter is manipulating you, and you are doing her no favors by allowing yourself to be manipulated.

I also suspect you need to find a better therapist.
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Old Today, 08:53 AM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,447 posts, read 41,993,006 times
Reputation: 83496
Originally Posted by silibran View Post

I also suspect you need to find a better therapist.
I agree. That doesn't sound right at all.
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