U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-18-2019, 05:40 PM
 
Location: Arizona
6,013 posts, read 5,374,790 times
Reputation: 18214

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by michael917 View Post
Every summer, I make an effort to visit relatives who are 3+ hours away. My brother is always invited to go with me but he tends to be so crazy-busy that it's a long shot that his schedule will align with theirs. Twice I've gone on my own, and last year he came along but we had to leave at noon due to his having a morning commitment. Frankly, I found the trip more enjoyable on my own.

We established weeks ago that he would not be able to make it this year. Since then, I mapped out a new route for myself and made some plans to stop along the way. This plan includes leaving as soon as I get up in the morning. I was also looking forward to having some one-on-one time with relatives I don't see often.

You probably see where this is going. Tonight my brother informed me that his schedule cleared and he can now go with me. Oh, and he can't leave until 11:30. I agreed, but inside I was seething. What was I supposed to say? I can't very well deny him a chance to see his family just because it interferes with my road trip plans, or my own family bonding time. I feel very selfish even thinking that way, but there it is. I can't seem to turn it off.

The problem here really has little to do with him. We get along very well, and have traveled together countless times. But I had plans for the road trip that I now won't have time for, and even if I had time he wouldn't be interested in them. I only made these plans once I thought I'd be alone. I sort of pictured this as a little escape weekend, and now it almost feels like a burden to be dealt with.

I don't see an easy way out of this, other than simply accepting reality for what it is. Sure I could have said no, but on what grounds? And then I'd have felt guilty the entire trip.

Why is everything always so complicated?
When he called you should have said it's too late that you already made other plans.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-18-2019, 06:17 PM
 
30 posts, read 6,521 times
Reputation: 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by See If This Works View Post
Take two cars.

Life is simple with the right choices. LOL.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-18-2019, 06:22 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
45,633 posts, read 36,699,047 times
Reputation: 64725
Quote:
Originally Posted by michael917 View Post
I'm going to, at the very least, speak out when I see him tomorrow about the departure time factor. It won't fix everything, but it'll be a start. Depending on how that works out, I may be able to work in some of my original plans after all. We'll see. It's just so much easier deciding what to do and doing it, rather than trying to convince a disinterested second party to play along.

Regarding the idea that we could visit the relatives at separate times, that's not really a viable option. These relatives have people visit pretty much every weekend throughout the summer, so there ends up being one weekend reserved for "us." Plus, how do you tell a close relative you'd rather go without them, especially when it's someone you actually do travel well with and your reasons are rather self-involved?

What it really boils down to is, I don't deal well with sudden change, especially regarding something I've been looking forward to for weeks. If the current plan had been the original plan, I wouldn't be here now talking about it. It wouldn't be an issue at all. But because of the "you expected X, you're getting Y" factor, I'm struggling.

But as with everything else, this too shall pass.
OK, good!

Coupla observations though:

1. Find out WHY he wants to leave later. If there's nothing to it other than him just wanting to sleep in or whatever, stand your ground and say "Well, after you initially told me you weren't riding with me, I made some other plans, and I'd really like to do at least one of these things." If he acts horsey about it, that's a great time to suggest going in separate cars.

2. You may not be able to visit relatives at separate times but you don't have to ride together every time either. The way you tell a close relative that you'd rather take separate cars is this way: "Hey, man - next time I think I'd rather us take separate cars. The reason is that there are some cool detours along the way that I'd like to take in, solo style. No offense - I mean, we'll still see each other this weekend, it's just that I want to make the drive by myself next time."

There is NOTHING wrong with you wanting to leave early in the morning, and him wanting to leave much later. Neither person is wrong, but that's why you may just need to take separate cars occasionally.

But you're right - no big deal and I'd just ride it out this time (no pun intended).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-18-2019, 06:49 PM
 
Location: Wilmington, NC
1,966 posts, read 360,203 times
Reputation: 3306
I still don't understand why you couldn't just tell him you'd already made other plans and could he just drive himself this time. It's only 3 hours. We do this in my family all the time and don't think a thing of it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-18-2019, 07:42 PM
 
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
4,791 posts, read 2,601,026 times
Reputation: 9380
Are you going to tell us why he can't leave until 11:30? Does he work a night shift? If so, can he sleep in the car? Or can he sleep at your place and get up earlier? Would that help? Can you leave an hour later? A compromise?

I think that this year, since you already agreed to have him drive with you, that you need to keep to your agreement, with a change of hours, if possible, but you should also tell him this year that next year you may need to make different arrangements.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-19-2019, 05:15 AM
 
526 posts, read 215,420 times
Reputation: 691
He has a morning martial arts class that he doesn't want to miss. One of the reasons I'm being wishy-washy about this is that it occurred to me that if someone asked me to miss a class I loved, I would be bummed about it too.

In other words, if I was the one who already had plans that morning, I'd have tried to work around it too. And my brother probably wouldn't have cared at all.

Also, for what it's worth, I agreed to carpool with him before he told me what time he wanted to leave. When he brought that up later, I was initially too put-off to respond the way I should have, but I'm definitely going to bring it up now.

Last edited by michael917; 07-19-2019 at 05:37 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-19-2019, 04:18 PM
 
526 posts, read 215,420 times
Reputation: 691
And now, perhaps the most anti-climatic end to a story ever posted here...

I had dinner with my brother earlier, during which I planned to explain my strong desire to leave for the trip at my chosen time. Before I got one word out, he tells me he's decided not to go. He has way too much on his plate to try squeezing in a weekend trip after all.

I went ahead and said anyhow what I'd planned to say, and he agreed that earlier is better, but also added that he was reluctant to miss his morning class because he's already going to miss it several other weekends this summer.

There's a very important lesson to be learned from this experience. As soon as I figure out what it is, I'll let you know.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-19-2019, 04:48 PM
 
Location: Worcester MA
1,896 posts, read 341,398 times
Reputation: 2104
Lol, well now you can leave early and do those things that you had planned. Have a great trip!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-19-2019, 04:49 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,766 posts, read 42,398,909 times
Reputation: 84401
Quote:
Originally Posted by michael917 View Post
And now, perhaps the most anti-climatic end to a story ever posted here...

I had dinner with my brother earlier, during which I planned to explain my strong desire to leave for the trip at my chosen time. Before I got one word out, he tells me he's decided not to go. He has way too much on his plate to try squeezing in a weekend trip after all.

I went ahead and said anyhow what I'd planned to say, and he agreed that earlier is better, but also added that he was reluctant to miss his morning class because he's already going to miss it several other weekends this summer.

There's a very important lesson to be learned from this experience. As soon as I figure out what it is, I'll let you know.
For what it's worth, I'm like you in this regard.

When I make plans, I don't vary unless there's a real emergency. If I say I'll be there, I will.

So I really don't understand people who are flaky like this ... "yes, I'll go, no I can't, oh wait I can go but can we leave at this time instead? nope, sorry, I can't make it after all." Drives me CRAZY!

I think the lesson in this is that 1) you are who you are, and so is he and 2) it's probably better if you two don't travel together.

You say he's crazy busy, but I think it's just a matter of different priorities. I mean, everyone is busy. You prioritize visiting these relatives higher than he does. No judgment; that's just the way it is. I think it's good that you spoke your piece, though. Sounds like you two have a good relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-19-2019, 08:13 PM
 
2,963 posts, read 3,087,542 times
Reputation: 8472
Quote:
Originally Posted by michael917 View Post
And now, perhaps the most anti-climatic end to a story ever posted here...

I had dinner with my brother earlier, during which I planned to explain my strong desire to leave for the trip at my chosen time. Before I got one word out, he tells me he's decided not to go. He has way too much on his plate to try squeezing in a weekend trip after all.

I went ahead and said anyhow what I'd planned to say, and he agreed that earlier is better, but also added that he was reluctant to miss his morning class because he's already going to miss it several other weekends this summer.

There's a very important lesson to be learned from this experience. As soon as I figure out what it is, I'll let you know.



The lesson is 'stand up for yourself', simply that. As I asked in my first post, "how many other times has he changed your plans' ?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top