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Old 07-28-2019, 03:36 PM
 
334 posts, read 1,014,031 times
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I learned long ago never to give advice, EVER. People don't take it they don't want it, they have no use for it. People ask "what would you do" what they really are doing is trying to find out who is going to say "I would do exactly what you already plan to do", then they elevate that person to their "smartest friend" status, no matter how bad of a trainwreck that advice (which they would have done anyway) causes in their life. Just sit back and listen to them give themselves advice, they always will. They already know what they are going to do.
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Old 07-28-2019, 05:11 PM
 
Location: planet earth
5,067 posts, read 1,937,021 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post
OP, you present the question in terms of health issues, but it exists in many other areas of our lives too, such as financial issues. When you can see where someone is having financial difficulties but any suggestions as to how they might "fix" the situation are shrugged off or they have a thousand excuses for why it won't work. A similar area is relationship problems, and you can see what I'm talking about on this forum in the non-romantic relationship section. People give their thoughts and suggestions and they are either ignored or dismissed with one excuse after another, or reasons why it won't work for them. There is a deep reason these people are holding on to their martyrdom, or victimhood and why they can't embrace a healthier path. I don't know the reason, but it fulfills some need within them to complain about a situation and then reject all possible solutions. Perhaps it's a way of getting attention.
I don't think it has to do with getting attention - I think it's more about denial.

Yes, it applies to all areas, and it can be maddening when you see people floundering and know what might help, but also know they will reject it out-of-hand.

I wish this subject was taught in school . . . (i.e., the virtue of being open-minded or something, not sure) - or maybe the basics on finances, health, etc. - "common sense" stuff that some people don't grasp easily (or resist).

Some people have "Oppositional Defiant Syndrome!"
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Old 07-28-2019, 05:13 PM
 
Location: planet earth
5,067 posts, read 1,937,021 times
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Originally Posted by Edvard View Post
I learned long ago never to give advice, EVER. People don't take it they don't want it, they have no use for it. People ask "what would you do" what they really are doing is trying to find out who is going to say "I would do exactly what you already plan to do", then they elevate that person to their "smartest friend" status, no matter how bad of a trainwreck that advice (which they would have done anyway) causes in their life. Just sit back and listen to them give themselves advice, they always will. They already know what they are going to do.
But some of them pay professionals for advice they could get for free from friends or family.
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Old 07-28-2019, 05:27 PM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA
15,732 posts, read 12,291,335 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
My experience is that they usually don't even take the suggestions in - it's like they reject things that might be foreign to them, and would rather continue with the problem (unconsciously, of course) rather than try something that sounds "out there" in some way.
I agree...too foreign.
Plus, the unconscious death wish...they do not 'want' to be cured....such a deep rooted thing...
if you brought that up they would think you were crazy...but...
My Dad drank and smoked himself to death...he could have stopped or slowed down....he was unhappy here ...he wanted to leave deep down, under the surface.
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Old 07-28-2019, 07:00 PM
 
Location: planet earth
5,067 posts, read 1,937,021 times
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Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn View Post
I agree...too foreign.
Plus, the unconscious death wish...they do not 'want' to be cured....such a deep rooted thing...
if you brought that up they would think you were crazy...but...
My Dad drank and smoked himself to death...he could have stopped or slowed down....he was unhappy here ...he wanted to leave deep down, under the surface.
This is very astute and I think it helps those left to realize this!
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Old 07-29-2019, 01:31 AM
 
Location: on the wind
7,380 posts, read 3,060,573 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
But some of them pay professionals for advice they could get for free from friends or family.
But advice from friends or family can be loaded with baggage, ulterior motives, and not delivered in an effectively impartial manner when clouded by emotion. Not to say a professional doesn't have a motive (they obviously do...getting paid), but it is often a lot more transparent.
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Old 07-29-2019, 09:09 AM
 
1,068 posts, read 368,531 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn View Post
I agree...too foreign.
Plus, the unconscious death wish...they do not 'want' to be cured....such a deep rooted thing...
if you brought that up they would think you were crazy...but...
My Dad drank and smoked himself to death...he could have stopped or slowed down....he was unhappy here ...he wanted to leave deep down, under the surface.
I agree. Some people have deep self-loathing and have a subconscious or unconscious desire to leave this world. It manifests through drug/alcohol addiction, risky behaviors, anorexia, etc.


People know what they need to do to fix their problems. They are either unwilling and/or incapable of doing so. Nagging, planting the seed, interventions often do not work because they cause the person to become defensive.
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Old 07-29-2019, 10:28 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,636 posts, read 14,432,518 times
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Sometimes it's just that the advice may be too far out there, and/or is totally unproven, even though the person giving the advice will rave about the effectiveness and tell stories meant to prove how their advice will only lead to success. I don't want to be so open minded that I'm willing to give credence to just about any advice I'm given
I've had people swear to me that ear candles, cupping, coffee enemas, chain letters, faith healing, etc, are all miracle cures. I once had an older neighbor get offended because I didn't take her 'very good advice' to tie my six month old child to a high chair and spoon feed her instead of breastfeeding.
Sometimes advice might be worth consideration, other times it might be so out there that most people are going to reject it out of hand.
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Old 07-29-2019, 10:56 AM
 
Location: equator
3,608 posts, read 1,589,123 times
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^^^Yeah, you beat me to it. Homeopathy, tapping, acupuncture, Prolotherapy. I've tried them all on "advice" and just wasted a lot of money. So there is that.

Oftentimes, people just want to vent. They don't expect or even "need" answers.

Like venting about your partner, then having a friend say, "Well, are you sure you want to stay with him?"

Kind of dismissive. Sometimes we just want an impartial listener, if even we have to pay for it!

Not to mention, our physical bodies are SO different, what works for one person, may not work at all for another (who may have already tried said solution, anyway).
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Old 07-29-2019, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,893 posts, read 4,910,471 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
Sometimes it's just that the advice may be too far out there, and/or is totally unproven, even though the person giving the advice will rave about the effectiveness and tell stories meant to prove how their advice will only lead to success. I don't want to be so open minded that I'm willing to give credence to just about any advice I'm given
I've had people swear to me that ear candles, cupping, coffee enemas, chain letters, faith healing, etc, are all miracle cures. I once had an older neighbor get offended because I didn't take her 'very good advice' to tie my six month old child to a high chair and spoon feed her instead of breastfeeding.
Sometimes advice might be worth consideration, other times it might be so out there that most people are going to reject it out of hand.
I always like to say "Have an open mind...but no so open your brain falls out." (attributed to Prof. Walther Kotschnig)
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