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Old 08-05-2019, 06:49 AM
 
83 posts, read 40,467 times
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I'm a 21 year old male.

I've been told by multiple people my whole life that I am too nice. They say it like it's a bad thing. People have told me, "I like you, but you are too nice." "You are way too nice." I'm told by multiple people that I am extremely polite and that I am one of the sweetest most kindest guys they've ever met. However, people have also told me that I should not be too nice.

I am honestly just being myself.

Why is being too nice a bad thing?
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Old 08-05-2019, 07:15 AM
 
17,490 posts, read 10,363,136 times
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Being nice in general isn't a bad thing.

Being courteous in public, being pleasant, that is never a bad thing.

However being way too nice in all aspects of life, including work and especially relationships, can only cause headaches in the long run.

What happens is people take advantage of you. Because while you think you are being super nice in an effort to make everyone like you, and you think everyone likes you, all it does is make people take advantage of that kindness. And it's a kiss of death in relationships, I wouldn't be surprised if those in life exceedingly nice tend to be single or have problems in relationships. I'm not saying you have to be a flaming jerk, but again being a pushover or being a super nice yes man makes you a very boring person.
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Old 08-05-2019, 07:42 AM
 
856 posts, read 185,472 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DCT2019 View Post
People have told me, "I like you, but you are too nice."
Could be you are a phony baloney OR it could be you are vulnerable to be walked on.
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Old 08-05-2019, 08:54 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,658 posts, read 42,273,122 times
Reputation: 84150
Quote:
Originally Posted by DCT2019 View Post
I'm a 21 year old male.

I've been told by multiple people my whole life that I am too nice. They say it like it's a bad thing. People have told me, "I like you, but you are too nice." "You are way too nice." I'm told by multiple people that I am extremely polite and that I am one of the sweetest most kindest guys they've ever met. However, people have also told me that I should not be too nice.

I am honestly just being myself.

Why is being too nice a bad thing?
Are these people potential romantic interests?
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Old 08-05-2019, 09:15 AM
 
Location: planet earth
5,065 posts, read 1,937,021 times
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Look up Two on the Enneagram (Enneagram Institute).

That will explain it far easier than anything else I could say on the subject.
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Old 08-05-2019, 10:04 AM
 
Location: Germany
203 posts, read 36,822 times
Reputation: 387
Quote:
Originally Posted by DCT2019 View Post
I'm a 21 year old male.

I've been told by multiple people my whole life that I am too nice. They say it like it's a bad thing. People have told me, "I like you, but you are too nice." "You are way too nice." I'm told by multiple people that I am extremely polite and that I am one of the sweetest most kindest guys they've ever met. However, people have also told me that I should not be too nice.

I am honestly just being myself.

Why is being too nice a bad thing?
There is a difference between being kind and being polite.

For example, say someone is interested in you but you are not interested in them. Being kind is being honest(and at the same time you can also be polite if you can).
But there are people who have difficulty being honest in such a situation, cause it is kind of awkward for them to reject someone, and may accidentally lead them on. In this situation being straightforward about the fact that you are not interested is kinder than making up excuses.
Though the excuses may at first sound polite, they are in the end not the reality. Inevitably the other person will come to understand that and may be angrier or more sad than they would be if you had told them the truth from the beginning.

Maybe that's what your friends mean?

Just be yourself. Take it as a compliment. Your friends are probably also as nice as you are, but in different situations and can't see it clearly.
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Old 08-05-2019, 10:20 AM
 
Location: East Midlands, UK
807 posts, read 285,041 times
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Nice guys are creepy. Sorry to say.
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Old 08-05-2019, 10:27 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
22,696 posts, read 24,289,693 times
Reputation: 49370
Quote:
Originally Posted by DCT2019 View Post
I'm a 21 year old male.

I've been told by multiple people my whole life that I am too nice. They say it like it's a bad thing. People have told me, "I like you, but you are too nice." "You are way too nice." I'm told by multiple people that I am extremely polite and that I am one of the sweetest most kindest guys they've ever met. However, people have also told me that I should not be too nice.

I am honestly just being myself.

Why is being too nice a bad thing?
In what context are you being told that you're too nice? Like people have said, being a kind, pleasant person is never a bad thing, but if you're being taken advantage of, not able to stand up for yourself, or even not able to make a decision because you're afraid of upsetting other people, that can be a problem.

Last edited by fleetiebelle; 08-05-2019 at 10:43 AM..
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Old 08-05-2019, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
22,179 posts, read 14,572,077 times
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I think we’d have to know more about your interactions than we do now to be able to give you good advice. Anything we’d post would be guesses.

In general, you do not have to allow people to take advantage of you, especially when you are inconvenienced, or when you are not given credit for something you did well.

But since you have heard this sort of thing about being “too nice” on several occasions, and because it baffles you, I recommend seeing a counselor or talk therapist to figure out what you are doing that is not the norm.

You can then decide whether or not to change your behavior and when it is OK to say ”no.”
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Old 08-05-2019, 02:06 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,060 posts, read 7,413,283 times
Reputation: 21673
There are various flavors of what "too nice" COULD mean.

Comes off as fake, manipulative: People think that you want something, that you have an agenda. And that if they do not meet your expectations, then you'll immediately stop being pleasant and might act emotionally wounded or worse, become hostile.

Fawning behavior: We've all heard of "fight or flight" but there are also "freeze" and "fawn." Fawning is when you feel threatened, so you become extremely conciliatory in an attempt to placate the person or creature that is threatening you. Behind the fawning, is fear, and if the person that you're dealing with does not want to be perceived as threatening, and you find them threatening, that is off-putting to many.

The Doormat: Due to shaky self esteem, this person will give any "friend" the shirt right off his/her back. And they get taken advantage of because of it. Deep down believes that you must earn or buy people's friendship or affection, everything is transactional, and so they offer and offer...because they don't believe that there's any inherent value in simply sharing company with someone. I used to fall into this camp and learned lessons the hard way. It would start with paying for a broke friend to go to concerts with me, so I'd have some company, and then I'd be buying them food when we went out to lunch, and ultimately they'd ask to borrow hundreds of dollars for the rent and I'd realize that I've been played and they just see me as a resource, not a friend, and I'd have to shut down the friendship. People who do this will often then play the victim...at least I realize I wasn't a victim to anything much besides myself and my baggage, which I've worked quite hard to stow since then. (In other words, this person really sucks at having healthy boundaries.)

The slavish devotee, fanboy, worshipper: Another type with low or no self esteem, this is the sort that will often become a stalker. They offer up devotion and worship of others (particularly romantic interests, even if it's 100% one-sided as in, they are obsessed and the other person doesn't even know they exist) and if not allowed that place at the base of the pedestal they've built to prop up their obsession, they generally react very badly. Or just in a state of complete delusion, that a relationship exists where it doesn't, or that if they simply keep trying, it will work out. Comes equipped with a one-way ticket to Restraining Order Town. This person usually thinks of themselves as being extraordinarily nice! They just cannot understand why the subject of their adoration would refuse to accept the gift of all that niceness!

The Beggar, the Victim: Convinced of the inevitability of failure, they have a passive aggressive, "but I'm a nice guy" approach to everyone. But they sabotage connections in order to ensure the failure that they know will always happen. Self-deprecating, self-defeating words and actions are this "nice" person's bread and butter. They've got elements of the agenda person too, but unlike the agenda person, they have no expectation of success. Indeed if it looks like success might actually happen, they'll do whatever it takes to shove it away. So that they can then complain about how mean the world is to them.

OP I don't know what's up with you. But the problem is almost NEVER a simple matter of being actually "too nice."
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