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For example....he can leave work early whenever he wants or needs to. He has nobody to answer to except his father who is partially retired. But whenever I ask him to leave for something I want to do he says “I can’t, so and so will be off and I have to cover their work”. “I have a meeting that day” etc....Most of the time I find out he is lying. One time I really wanted to go to a concert and mentioned a few weeks in advance that we can both leave an hour early to get there. I expected him to text me back with and excuse and he did and said he couldn’t leave early because someone was off that day. Then on that day he left early. When I called him out on it he just said “I thought she was off but she wasn’t”
This seems to happens every single time I ask if he can take a vacation day or leave early....but whenever he wants to do something he will take a day off or leave early.
He never plans anything. Never offers to do something I like. Any plans I make for us he complains. Doesn’t want to try anything new. Just same old restaurants we always go to and maybe a movie. Gets mad if we go to a restaurant I pick or to meet friends and we can’t find parking. Yells at me for picking or agreeing to a place that’s too far, not enough parking, too crowded etc. I tell him to plan something he wants to do that we can do together but he doesn’t. Sometimes he says he will do something and then the day of he will have an ailment and either won’t go or will go and give me a guilt trip for dragging him out even if I tell him to stay home. I just don’t understand why he is like this. I would think if he really cared he get some kind of joy in making me happy, surprising me etc. He tells me he loves me a lot but doesn’t do anything to show for it.
This sounds like an extremely autistic person. Someone who is so inconsiderate that they are in their own world.
You need to be point blank with him about your feelings. And if he isn't able to respect them and you don't leave/break up afterward, then this would be on you. You either live with this kind of behavior or you don't.
Question.... how old are you and your husband? How long have you been together? Has he always been like this or was there a time he was more affectionate, when he enjoyed going out and doing new things together?
Question.... how old are you and your husband? How long have you been together? Has he always been like this or was there a time he was more affectionate, when he enjoyed going out and doing new things together?
I’m 44 and he is 46. We’ve been together 11 years. He only seemed into me when we first started dating. That is his ex wife told me about him as well.
He doesn’t care what I do either. Like if we have plans and the weather is bad he will say I can go but he isn’t. He will say “I can’t stop you”. Sometime I wish he would take charge and say it isn’t safe and I don’t want you to drive or something similar.
Maybe have a serious talk about your marriage and what you don't like and take it from there.
Maybe it isn't working anymore. You can only be open and hope he understands but if he doesn't and it makes you unhappy maybe you should consider other options. Its going to be difficult but at least try to follow your heart.
I’m 44 and he is 46. We’ve been together 11 years. He only seemed into me when we first started dating. That is his ex wife told me about him as well.
He doesn’t care what I do either. Like if we have plans and the weather is bad he will say I can go but he isn’t. He will say “I can’t stop you”. Sometime I wish he would take charge and say it isn’t safe and I don’t want you to drive or something similar.
Have you talked about this with him? Maybe taking the Love Languages quiz and discussing your results would be a start. But in the end, you will need to look him in the eye and say, "when you do (or don't do) X, I feel like you don't care. I need you to be a little more thoughtful."
This sounds like an extremely autistic person. Someone who is so inconsiderate that they are in their own world.
You need to be point blank with him about your feelings. And if he isn't able to respect them and you don't leave/break up afterward, then this would be on you. You either live with this kind of behavior or you don't.
Autistic, why? Are you a professional diagnosing people online?
What about them just growing apart? Perhaps he isn't interested in the activities she is planning for him? Perhaps he is not interested joining her anywhere? Maybe he told her so and she chose to ignore it?
Do we know the reasons? No. We only know one side of this marriage difficulties. The side described by the OP. See her posting history...
I’m 44 and he is 46. We’ve been together 11 years. He only seemed into me when we first started dating. That is his ex wife told me about him as well.
He doesn’t care what I do either. Like if we have plans and the weather is bad he will say I can go but he isn’t. He will say “I can’t stop you”. Sometime I wish he would take charge and say it isn’t safe and I don’t want you to drive or something similar.
How much do you want to stay with him? You are both mature enough and have been together long enough that you know what the deal going forward will be. Do you want to make that deal?
You may want to stay with him strongly enough that it's worth making the bargain that you'll have a husband who behaves this way toward you for the duration.
You may not find that level of detachment acceptable in a spouse, in which case you need to make a new bargain and make big changes.
Really only you can decide this, but my guess is this basic dynamic will not change. Whether you can live with it, or you can't... that's all on you. If you decide to stay, then you need to find a way to accept the limitations of the relationship and learn to enjoy doing things without him, either by yourself or with old (or new!) friends. Make you life what you want it to be, but don't wait on him to fix it. Ain't gonna happen.
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