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I recently broke up with my bf of 4 years about three weeks ago. I battled with whether or not I should stay with him or if I should let him go. I really battled with it for a long time, thinking in my mind but never making my mind up either way.
It's hard to leave a good man. He really is a good man. He doted on me, he always did special things for me. He was thoughtful (to a fault) and he loved being with me. All the time. Every day. It got so bad that I was so smothered I moved into my own place about a year ago. I needed some personal space and time and he just wanted to spend every waking moment with me.
I love spending time with my girls. They are grown and we like to go estate shopping and have lunch, hit some flea markets, just girl time. I love to cook, so I like to cook on Sundays for my family. I miss my grandkids and they all have busy lives, so Sunday's is really the only good day to spend time with them.
I also have a pet cat. She doesn't require much time or effort, but I do have another living thing that I need to take care of.
I have a car, which needs to be washed and cleaned on occasion, since I drive 45 minutes to my job everyday.
I have laundry. Yep. I have to do laundry, housework, work in the yard, keep up with my plants, clean the deck, have the yard done, etc.
I have a full time job. I commute 45 minutes each way every day. I have to make stops on the way home, such as the Dollar Store (cat food, cat litter, toiletries, etc.), get gas, have my oil changed, go to grocery store.
And then there's me. I like to have my nails done, I get my hair colored and cut every 2 months. I shave, I do my toes, I try to take care of myself (facials, etc. at home). Baths and showers are good too.
I like to decorate and I like to shop, so weekends are fun for me, but when you have to spend every weekend with your boyfriend, at least spend one night and two nights during the week, it gets tiring to pack my things and leave my cat and go over there. We go out to eat. That's it. We have nothing to talk about because we've been together so much. And when I'm home, just about the time I walk in the door with 6 packages, my purse, my keys, my water and a 5 lb bag of cat litter, he calls. He wants to talk. Just talk. About nothing but the same thing over and over. I would politely say that I really need to put some groceries up and start some laundry, he would get offended and I could tell in his voice he didn't like it.
So, it got to the point where I would actually have to "lie" when he called and tell him that my bath water was running so I could get free to take a bath. He called me on my commute to work, when that is one time in my day that is MINE and I get to listen to the radio and relax. Then he calls. He's just lonely. Wants to talk. About the same thing again. I actually thought I was going to have a stroke a few weeks ago because he asked me to take my phone to the bath and continue talking! OMG.
This man is so sweet and he is so good to me and he is the most faithful, really nice guy. I never even thought about him ever cheating or anything like that, he just isn't that way. I just got so smothered that I felt like pork chops covered in gravy. A lot of gravy. I honestly believe that "the relationship" was draining the life out of me. So, my question is this.
Was I selfish for wanting my life back? Was I selfish for wanting to relax at night and not talk on the telephone during my "Calgon take me away" time ?
Oh, I forgot! I also have friends. Girlfriends that I love so much!I love to host girl's night and grill or cook and this is something I rarely did. But not anymore, I did it this past weekend. I literally battled in my mind, if I needed to break up or just forget about my life and join his, which is boring. Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, then I woke up one day and said YES! I did it. I broke his heart. I feel horrible for hurting him but I also am so relieved. I am so free. I can go and do and not ask permission. I can put the dishes away wherever I want to. I can leave a light on if I want and I can get in the driver's seat of my life and steer it wherever I want it to take me.
No, you were not being selfish. This man sounds like he was/is a very nice man, but he also sounds like someone who doesn't have much of a life or many interpersonal relationships outside of that which he shares with his significant other and who also doesn't seem to enjoy his own company very much.
For some people, being squished up together like peanut butter and jelly in a life sandwich like that is a fantastic way to be coupled. For others, there is such a thing as too much togetherness. It sounds as though you fall into the latter category; with that I can fully empathize as I tend to be that way, too, and have had to have the "I need and really enjoy time with you, but I also cannot have you commandeering my every waking moment" talk with my own man on several occasions. (For the record, he wasn't nearly as bad as your former partner was with you. Not even close.) For us, it's worked out, though. Having the lines of communication open early on has helped with that rather than letting time together begin to feel like another task to be checked off on a mental list.
If you had that talk with your now former partner about your need to have both together time and alone time/time with your life outside of him with little appreciable results and being together had begun to feel like a chore instead of a pleasure, it was only a matter of time before the breakup came as in the end and despite his kind nature, you two just weren't a good fit. Sometimes, the end of a relationship boils down to just that--a lack of a good fit with each other.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 09-01-2021 at 01:05 PM..
When we first met and were dating, prior to my moving in with him a year later....I started noticing that he would "book me up" with weekend trips and concerts and all sorts of museums and this and that and I had NO time with anyone but him. At that time, we did have fun and it was good. I moved in and I felt married and I didn't want to be married. I was so screwed up! I spend so many years of my life looking for Mr. Goodbar, that I wasted priority time with myself. If I had listened to everyone and stayed single and became happy with myself (like I feel I am now), I would never have been so desperate for a man.
Anyway, after I moved in he bought me a horse (key to my heart plus some) and himself a very spirited Tennessee Walker and asked me to hold her one day while I was mounted on my horse leaning over. I grabbed her bridle while he mounted, she reared and I was stretched to the max and then she did it. She snapped her head back and out came my shoulder. I was bedridden for two months, out of work for three months. It was horrible. I noticed he liked taking care of me but he is also a recovering alcoholic (9 years sober) and would not give me my pain meds as described. He would make me take Tylenol and Advil and give me my pain pills when I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I should have knows something was weird with him. He said he didn't want me to become addicted to them. I have never taken pain pills in my life, they actually make me sick. So, I was stuck there for a while and last year, after I got better and went back to work I finally found a new place and broke the news. He took it really hard but we managed to stay together another year. I couldn't stand it anymore, I literally had NO time for this relationship, it was controlling me and it was making me angry and resentful. I do miss him very much but I'm doing fine and I wish him much happiness. I just think he needs someone that has no life, likes to eat, and is glued to his hip. He will make someone a wonderful husband, but not ME. I have really been wondering if I'm just a selfish person but I feel so much better now I really don't care, ha. My reasons are mine and that's OK right ?
What I don't understand is how it took 4 YEARS of you dating him to see that he's smothering you when you said how when you, "FIRST met him and were dating, prior to my moving in with him a year later....I started noticing that he would "book me up" with weekend trips and concerts and all sorts of museums and this and that and I had NO time with anyone but him."
But, at least you acknowledged it after it was all over & said, "I was so screwed up! I spend so many years of my life looking for Mr. Goodbar, that I wasted priority time with myself. If I had listened to everyone and stayed single and became happy with myself (like I feel I am now), I would never have been so desperate for a man." Yep, never compromise yourself & your standards if it's not in your nature/character/life just to say you've got a man.
So, yes YOU wasted YOUR OWN time staying w/ him too long. You kept those rose-colored glasses on too long w/ him. Then, much later, I guess you finally saw the light that this is not what you want.
OK, so good, you broke up w/ him. Don't get back together whatever you do. Enjoy life, have fun, make up for all the experiences you missed being alone & having fun w/ others going forward.
No not selfish at all. Some people need personal space. The relationship would not have worked. You need to find someone who will allow you to have the time you need to yourself. It's one of my own primary needs in a relationship--I need a lot of time to myself. Will not be with a clingy person, no matter how good he is to me.
And no, definitely do not get back with this person. Some people like clinginess in a relationship, others need space. Calling you every day was not what you described. You described a much more controlling, needy person. Take it from those of us who do need the space and who have had successful relationships with a spouse/partner who met this criteria for us. You are not selfish. He may make someone else an excellent husband, but is DEFINITELY not the husband for you. And that is nothing wrong on your part. You two are just not a match.
What do you mean if its selfish? of course it is selfish, but that in itself isn't a bad thing.
Taking care of your needs is important and listening to your feelings is also important.
It is good to be selfish sometimes, but most importantly be honest about it. I don't know if you ever told him that he is smothering you and he just kept on clinging. Maybe things would be different if you two had a talk over this particular dynamic of your relationship, but the past is the past. We learn and go on.
If you find him boring, he was not for you - that is an important factor you should pay attention to from now on.
In the future though, I would try to be more open to discuss what annoys me and how I like my day with my partner.
Not selfish imo, your ex sounds like he doesn't have a life of his own or enjoy his own company and sounds like an unhappy person who just can't be alone. Whereas you are independent enjoying a full life and need someone evenly yoked.
Of course its not selfish. Its about having balance in your life. He has no balance, or boundaries.
Funny. I was talking to a good friend of mine just last week. She's been with her boyfriend for nearly 20 years now. She's afraid to get married. They both live on the farm where they both work, so they are with each other 24/7. Its driving her crazy, not to mention they are fighting all.the.time. The only time she can go do something, is when he decides to go fishing. When he's home, I never hear from her, because he doesnt like her talking to someone else when he's home (which is all the time).
I dont know what the answer is for her. If you felt so smothered even living apart, then it just wasnt going to work for you. It sounds like you have a really full fun life, and his life is.....you. Wont work.
The only thing that could be considered selfish is keeping him from meeting someone else who might appreciate his level of involvement. Some people truly love that and hopefully he will find someone who does. You did what was right for you so just go forward with the lessons you learned from this relationship and thoroughly talk it through if a relationship is getting too much for you .
His past addiction really had nothing to do with you and your injury. I don't think it was right for him to go against what the doctor had prescribed for you. That was not his decision to make and that would have made me uneasy in terms of control issues.
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