Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don’t know if it’s the way I was raised or some sort of biological instinct, but it’s never occurred to me to overtly or subtly tear others down to inflate my self esteem. Yet, so many people do it. I personally think it’s tied to the person being deeply insecure with themselves, and this provides a quick and easy ego boost. However, I don’t necessarily think it’s that alone. There seems to be a nefarious component to it as well. I have so many things to be insecure about, but I spend most of the time beating myself up about it. Seldom, if ever, have I considered intentionally denigrating someone else so that I may find comfort in my own being.
What do you think compels people to behave in this manner?
I have a whole family that has these traits. As a child, being autistic, left, and still leaves me, as a focal point, for all the hate they can muster, lies are also used to justify the behaviour. Treating one as irrelevant, with no value, and undeserving, of anything, including food and medical treatment, even love, leaves scars.
It is definitely a need to feel important, big or otherwise worthy of attention. Bullies are like that. If you stand up to a bully one time and don't back down, he will stop. I had a boss that was like that. Put you down every time he spoke to you, asked if we were retarded, horrible verbal abuse and emotional abuse. Why would any person treat another person like that unless definitely trying to make themselves feel better. Why they do it is usually a shrink thing, going back to the childhood. A lot of people say that if you were molested 30 years ago just let it go and move past it. Not possible for some. Trauma as a child in any way can cause terrible problems as adults. I would think that the bullies out there were treated like that or taught that behavior when growing up. Sad but true.
Oh I thought this was “finish the sentence” type of game. Silly me. But I did come up with an answer. Tearing down others to feel good about yourself is the way politics is now played in America.
It is how they cope with jealousy, envy, insecurity, overinflated ego, powerlessness, scarcity mentality.
Quite common with women around women, in the workplace, school, public. If they cannot have IT _____- income/ job, notoriety / fame, attention, bf/gf/ SO, family, connections, material things, beauty, youth, vacations, opportunities, etc. why should YOU have them. Then, they will be pleased to find flaws and always point them out. If you ignore them, they bring it to your attention. Nothing frustrates them more than when you don't react.
It’s irrational because tearing you apart publicly just wastes everybody’s time and energy, makes you look small, and destroying someone else has not improved you one bit.
It’s like a self medication for sadists. But it’s also a delusional mindset. So you’re dealing with somebody with a handicap or mental illness.
Bullies do this also. Beating somebody up makes they feel powerful because they fear losing power or control or they just always feel powerless and insecure.
When you see these people, nothing can be done for them. Cut them out, problem solved.
Unless, they are family. Then, they might be managed and might mature with age or not.
If they have some positive traits, it might drown out these tendencies. That could be hopeful thinking.
But, if they are strangers, I see no reason to be around underminers, people who wish you harm, hate your success or happiness and enjoy schadenfreude. Even if it’s not directed at me, I cannot tolerate this mentality.
I’m not willing to put in the work to deal with it for no payoff, except they mature. Let them stew in it.
The other thing that’s annoying related to this is the lack of originality in using others as a yardstick to measure yourself. Seems reactive to use others as a gauge. Rather than do the things you want to do, you try to one up someone you know, and feel triumphant after imitating them and managing to do something they did. Strangely unimaginative of your own drives and possibilities.
I don’t know if it’s the way I was raised or some sort of biological instinct, but it’s never occurred to me to overtly or subtly tear others down to inflate my self esteem. Yet, so many people do it. I personally think it’s tied to the person being deeply insecure with themselves, and this provides a quick and easy ego boost. However, I don’t necessarily think it’s that alone. There seems to be a nefarious component to it as well. I have so many things to be insecure about, but I spend most of the time beating myself up about it. Seldom, if ever, have I considered intentionally denigrating someone else so that I may find comfort in my own being.
What do you think compels people to behave in this manner?
It's hard to know what drives these people. Two examples:
Charlie
I went to high school in one of the toniest, most affluent communities in the U.S. During 9th grade, a kid named Charlie chased me down two flights of stairs and through much of the school, whirling a bicycle chain. I wound up being able to hold a set of doors against him. When authorities finally arrived, Charlie told them that I had just bitten a dog outside the school's front door. My parents were "recommended" to find a private school for me. My mother favored this approach, my father not as much. Needless to say, Charlie was not disciplined.
During the summer I indicated that I would not cooperate in the process of relocating to a private school given the obvious injustice. Literally during the first week of school, now 10th grade, Charlie yanked a high stool out from under me in the school's weather center. It was lucky I wasn't badly hurt. Given my near-expulsion from school the previous June, I wasn't about to take this one up with the school. Fighting back was just not an option.
My father came home early from work that day, feeling the early stages of the cancer recurrence that would kill him almost four months later to the day. My father got on the phone with Charlie's father. I didn't get to hear the conversation but I heard not a word from Charlie from that September day in 1972 until his unlamented (by me) death 40 years later. In fact, I gave silent applause. I visited one of his friends in rehab from an accident. I learned he died of drug abuse.
Kenneth
Also during my Freshman year of high school, I had the delight of the acquaintance of Kenneth. For a while he just generally teased me by imitating my stuttering. The one night in February 1972 he called my mother at 1:00 a.m. or so and said "your son is palsied." He made a similar call about a month later.
During 10th grade, on January 4, 1973, as school was letting out, I was telling my friend, Bob, that my father was hours or days away from dying of cancer. Ken walked up to me and told me "serves him (my father) right for smoking." I tried to claw his back. My friend pulled me off him. My father died in the wee hours on January 5, 1973. Then a few months later he approached a Chinese kid and made an accent, saying "aw-so, your father work in rice paddy." In Senior Year, he tried to walk into band practice a year or so later, looking for trouble. A member of the band begged me to stop fighting back, saying "he is very stupid."
I was in bankruptcy court (I'm a lawyer) in 1992, when signed judge's orders were but in a box for pickup. I cannot deny some pleasure in seeing an order in his bankruptcy case there. The bottom line, then, is that I am somewhat guilty of not being unhappy when bad things happen to bad people who have caused me problems. I didn't do anything to tear those two down. They did it to themselves. But I guess it's human nature.
It's not deep or complicated. I'm sure they don't give it anymore thought than taking a crxp. it's simply garden variety easy way to get a psychological bump.
Control issues. Person A is angry at person B because person A has a preconceived idea of how things should play out. When this doest happen person A gets all boo hoo and angry and says mean condescending things to person B.
Marriage is a perfect example, particularly for those who marry young (late teens/early twentys). Person A gets all hurt and upset because the person they married isnt doing exactly what they want or think a spouse should do. Person A yells and screams for a period of time until person B gets fed up and leaves.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
