Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think there is a good reason for this. A lot of people in AA are in friend groups with heavy drinkers. I have worked in a few offices where they would go out and pressure people to drink heavily. At one office. This group had a lot of “castoffs” who were basically ostracized from the group because they did not care to drink. Those of us not interested in drinking declined to attend the after-work events.
I've never known anybody, in any situation, that was pressured into 'drinking heavily.'
Maybe where you worked employees were encouraged to socialize maybe? I doubt they wanted people to get hammered.
And I doubt they were 'ostracized' ... The social drinkers simply didn't have anything in common with the non-drinkers.
I can't imagine having to quit a drug or alcohol habit. It seems like one of the most difficult things a person can change about themselves. I also wouldn't knowingly form a relationship with somebody who has such a habit because it will involve a lot of unwarranted loyalty. But if somebody I formed a relationship with became an addict and wanted to end it, I would do everything in my power to help them.
One of my rules when I was single was that I wouldn't date anybody with an emotional, mental, financial, physical or substance abuse issue.
I've never known anybody, in any situation, that was pressured into 'drinking heavily.'
Maybe where you worked employees were encouraged to socialize maybe? I doubt they wanted people to get hammered.
And I doubt they were 'ostracized' ... The social drinkers simply didn't have anything in common with the non-drinkers.
There are many fields where drinking heavily is expected/common. You have been lucky. Some people are not. AA may provide a good support system for these people. Often they may meet people in their field who are also recovering and build a support network that way.
That's because you are intimidated by your AA friends. I am not.
I have an ex-boyfriend who was between 2 and 3 years sober while I was with him. I didn't drink around him out of respect for THE STRUGGLE. Apparently you fail to realize just how difficult it is for some alcoholics to stay sober. Therefore, I think your post is arrogant.
Once we broke up, I drank again. (He had a very good nose so could even smell it if I drank a beer or a glass of wine out of his presence.) I do admit that I got tired of not drinking around him, but in no way did I think I was being controlled.
I do agree that your ex is way too pushy and needs to shut up. He needs to stop socializing with normies if he can't handle their drinking or partaking. My understanding is that alcoholics are not supposed to be in a situation where there is drinking going on. So there's that.
Why are you still hanging out with this guy? It seems to me you both like conflict.
I don't think it's an AA thing so much as people who were alcoholics, or who were close to alcoholics, can become oversensitive to it. They know how drinking has ruined their life, and it's a very raw point, so they're highly-attuned to looking for "warning signs" in others... and may see red flags where there are none, may overstate risks because it's so sensitive to them, etc. It may be because it's on their radar since it's an issue they've experienced*. It may be because they feel they can warn someone else away from ending up the way they did. This doesn't just apply to drinking but could happen with anything negative-- someone who's had an eating disorder may worry if a friend's appetite is small one day. Someone who was mugged may berate friends who go out alone after dark. Etc.
*Couldn't tell you the number of times I've heard in critiques at dance classes, musical groups, sports teams, etc.-- "I've noticed you make this mistake, because it's one I've always struggled with, too..." They'll "see" certain corrections because they're aware from personal experience that the thing can be a problem, and it's high on their radar since they're used to watching for it in themselves/have had it pointed out to them.
I don't think it's an AA thing so much as people who were alcoholics, or who were close to alcoholics, can become oversensitive to it. They know how drinking has ruined their life, and it's a very raw point, so they're highly-attuned to looking for "warning signs" in others... and may see red flags where there are none, may overstate risks because it's so sensitive to them, etc. It may be because it's on their radar since it's an issue they've experienced*. It may be because they feel they can warn someone else away from ending up the way they did. This doesn't just apply to drinking but could happen with anything negative-- someone who's had an eating disorder may worry if a friend's appetite is small one day. Someone who was mugged may berate friends who go out alone after dark. Etc.
*Couldn't tell you the number of times I've heard in critiques at dance classes, musical groups, sports teams, etc.-- "I've noticed you make this mistake, because it's one I've always struggled with, too..." They'll "see" certain corrections because they're aware from personal experience that the thing can be a problem, and it's high on their radar since they're used to watching for it in themselves/have had it pointed out to them.
When I got sober what surprised me most is how many people can drink responsibly. Another thing I discovered was take away the booze and I found I didn't have much in common with some friends.
With regards to why some develop a problem with alcohol and others don't I suspect genetics plays a strong role. But after all is said and done I don't care. Genetics, a disease, weak-willed or just plain f-ed up. I'll sign off on all of them. All that matters is I can't drink responsibly. So, it is best I don't drink at all.
About the ex-boyfriend the OP described: there are all types in AA. Some go on and on about working the 12-steps and/or living a spiritual program. For others the rooms of AA are a place of status. A place where they are revered as an "old-timer." Now, none of this is meant as a put down of AA which is free and where I got sober. I would recommend AA to anyone who wants to stop drinking.
As far as interacting with.... "normies." (Those who can drink responsibly.) There's an AA fellow I know who one day showed up at my job. He'd just been hired. At first I was please to see him but then I noticed he acted the same way toward co-workers as he did those in an AA meetings: with authority.
He has years of sobriety and someone others in AA treat with much respect. However, at work he was just another employee and someone new to boot. Unfortunately, over the course of a few months the man began to rub co-workers the wrong way at which point they started to avoid him. He then expected me to hangout with him during breaks and have lunch together. And when I didn't... things got weird. He began to bad mouth me at meetings. Talking about AA members who are rude.
This is a man whom I had at one time considered asking to be my sponsor (which is a mentor who guides those with less time through the AA program.) I realized he was pushy/demanding but felt this was because he was dedicated to helping others achieve sobriety.
Then I realized yes he might be dedicated to helping others get sober but he's also toxic. Unable to get along with those outside the rooms of AA (or at least those we worked with.)
I'm not an alcoholic so I can drink any time i want. If I were to "not drink" then I would be enabling HIM to control me even more. I drink maybe 3 wine coolers a month IF that much. He knew that when we met and were dating. Why would I just not drink my wine coolers because HE is an alcoholic?
Do you not think he can walk into a store and see all the ads for alcohol and beer everywhere he goes? It isn't my responsibility to make sure that he never sees alcohol. That's ridiculous.
Seriously?
I think you are with the wrong person.
Oh wait...this is an EX? So why does any of this even matter?? Move on.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
