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Your brother in law likely has sensory issues where the level of sound and/or number of conversations is simply too overwhelming. This isn't something you guys can sit down and talk your way out of if his brain is wired differently.
You are unwilling to consider making any adjustments to make him more comfortable, which is fine. So now your option is to stop worrying about it and just let BIL deal with his own business.
Yes, well said! I too wonder what she is to gain from this post. It's not her problem.
You are making much too big a deal out of this. You are a different personality type altogether. Why not look up Introverts, and read about them. You can't force him to be something he is not. It sounds more like micro managing another person, and would make anyone uncomfortable. Let him be himself, and chill.
Exactly! Everyone has their own personality and if you don't "like" someone, you just stay away from them. Or, in case as ths (family) just be polite and don't worry about them or why they are the way they are. Its like the OP wants to know advice on how to change this guy. Nuts.
You know, once upon a time it was considered rude to just interrupt and talk over someone else who is already speaking. Has nothing to do with a "court of law" but simply politeness. You speak, then you let others speak while you listen. Normal polite conversation. The idea that you can listen to multiple conversations at once while texting simply means the level of conversation and understanding is pretty shallow.
This is what media soundbytes and Twitter hashtags have done to us. I can't believe at least some of it has not been done deliberately.
He might have a neurological condition, like autism or anxiety, which makes a lot of noise and overstimulation unpleasant and uncomfortable, or he just might just prefer a quieter, calmer environment. Sensory overload might be normal for your family, but it doesn't mean your BIL is wrong or is a problem to be solved or that you shouldn't allow him to retreat and be comfortable. He is how he is. If you can see that he's really bothered and upset at a gathering, why not talk to him one on one quietly, rather than wanting him to change?
Quote:
Originally Posted by DDC6972
it use to not bother me. he did his thing, cool. but now he's getting mad at these gatherings family and social and snapping at people. " I can not get a word in everyone's talking," he says a lot. I am impressed that he comes but why accept the invite in the first place? we never judged him until now because he bites our heads off for not catering to him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DDC6972
one on one hes a great guy funny smart etc. but added just 2 more people to his one on one conversation and he changes, shuts down etc. I've been studying/watching him i have seen this first hand
Sure, it could be what fleetiebelle said above, but I'm leaning more towards him having a self-centered attitude, like everyone must be quiet & you can hear a pin drop in order for HIM to can talk. Now is he a narc as in a narcissist? That's hard to say just based on this. I'd have to know how else he behaves in other siutations &/or observe him myself from afar.
If you've done a certain extent of research on narcissism , they pretty much have all negative qualities, but they can be the, "great guy funny smart etc." guy as you also said when they're amongst people to show what great people they are. That part's a facade though if they're true narcs. (If they're true narcs, they're insecure, inadequate, weak, miserable people.)
Usually though, narcs like the HUGEST possible crowd around them, but ONLY SO THEY CAN BE THE ONLY ONE TALKING so more people listen. But that's why your BIL is mad because they're not letting him be the, "star", the, "center of attention" & so he does his adult temper tantrums.
There's one (of many) tests you can do to see if he's a narc, but everyone at the next party will have to do this: For the next big party, have everyone be quiet & listen to him & see if he looks like he's going to y@k for 1-3+ hrs. That means, he loves the spotlight a little too much. But if he just talks for a few to several min then let's others have their turn to, "have the floor", he still might probably has consideration for others & genuinely just wanted to be heard.
I am at my wit's end with trying to relate and or understand my brother-in-law's conversation style. you see when we all get together say at the bar or at a friend or family's house. conversations run wild, they are everywhere, multiple going on in the kitchen, multiple in the living room, etc. I have no problem dealing with, or listening to multi conversations at once, I view these multiple conversations/voices like flipping thru tv channels I pick one, listen, interact, and jump in if I have something to say and if I don't like it I change the channel. but not my brother-in-law, he can not just listen to and jump into a conversation he expects the conversation to stop so he can speak. jumping into an ongoing conversation is truly impossible for him.
you can see it in his eyes that all these voices running at once REALLY BOTHERS HIM,. so much that he just finds a chair somewhere and retreats to his phone, or will wander off and have one on one conversations with people, some times he gets mad at the group for not letting him speak. this is what we find odd as well. no one directly tells him to not speak. so why does he feel as if he is intentionally being silenced when he is around multiple conversations. we all find this odd. to us it appears that if he opens his mouth he expects everyone to stop talking until he is said his part. you can not expect large groups of people to go silent just so u can speak. i mean it a social setting not a court of law. what is his problem? what is our problem? i really would like to understand him and find a solution to this.
I guess I don't understand what you're so rialed up about. If the guy is no fun or is causing a problem at your parties then just don't invite him. Other than that, why do you care what his problem is?
Sure, it could be what fleetiebelle said above, but I'm leaning more towards him having a self-centered attitude, like everyone must be quiet & you can hear a pin drop in order for HIM to can talk. Now is he a narc as in a narcissist? That's hard to say just based on this. I'd have to know how else he behaves in other siutations &/or observe him myself from afar.
If you've done a certain extent of research on narcissism , they pretty much have all negative qualities, but they can be the, "great guy funny smart etc." guy as you also said when they're amongst people to show what great people they are. That part's a facade though if they're true narcs. (If they're true narcs, they're insecure, inadequate, weak, miserable people.)
Usually though, narcs like the HUGEST possible crowd around them, but ONLY SO THEY CAN BE THE ONLY ONE TALKING so more people listen. But that's why your BIL is mad because they're not letting him be the, "star", the, "center of attention" & so he does his adult temper tantrums.
There's one (of many) tests you can do to see if he's a narc, but everyone at the next party will have to do this: For the next big party, have everyone be quiet & listen to him & see if he looks like he's going to y@k for 1-3+ hrs. That means, he loves the spotlight a little too much. But if he just talks for a few to several min then let's others have their turn to, "have the floor", he still might probably has consideration for others & genuinely just wanted to be heard.
I've known many like this. They have to be the center of attention or they won't talk at all. We have one in our group. If he starts to say something someone else will start talking because we know he will never shut up and go on and on about something no one else cares about.
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