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No, no...but let's say, for a person to be outwardly rude and offensive for instance, something is off-kilter with them, or they would know better. It may not be as severe as one who is Sociopathic or Psychopathic, but there is an issue.
...
You're partly falling into the trap here yourself by making excuses for their behavior.
To me a lot of it starts at home and in school with bullies. The bullies in school somehow get away with behavior that would get the rest of us punished. But the school supports and protects the bully -- "you need to be more understanding" or "forgive and forget" or "makeup and be friends" or "he/she has a bad home life" or some other drivel meant to minimize the bullying action done and its effect on the victim. If, however, as the victim, you decide to fight back, that same support system the bully has turns into punishment for the victim. "Fighting is wrong" or one of those other standard cliche's to excuse the bully from responsibility. The bully is emotionally supported and validated while the victim is left with the choice of continuing being bullied or being punished for fighting back against the bully.
Our modern adult society has become the same way -- you aren't allowed to defend yourself, but the "poor misunderstood bully (or criminal) needs our support and understanding." BS
No, no...but let's say, for a person to be outwardly rude and offensive for instance, something is off-kilter with them, or they would know better. It may not be as severe as one who is Sociopathic or Psychopathic, but there is an issue.
I think many, young and old, are outwardly very kind, pleasant and courteous - and consistently - being likely emotionally-balanced, to which there is a difference from those who will endanger others in public by wildly racing thru traffic, for example. Being a hot-head, self-absorbed, feeling superior and entitled, is a problem.
Those suffering from something such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, addiction, for example, especially those who are aware of and seeking help for, are not the type being initially addressed here. The type that was first referenced are not those seeking help, since they do not believe they need it, and is how they will go on negatively affecting those around them. Not to say that one may not possibly suffer from any of that in addition to being Sociopathic or Psychopathic, I suppose.
People are selfish and immature. It's as simple as that. Neither selfishness nor immaturity are mental illnesses, and just because someone is "off-kilter" and a jerk doesn't mean they have a mental illness. There's a whole spectrum of "normal" personality traits to go through before you're in the realm of bona-fide, diagnosable-as-per-the-DSM mental illness.
We get way too many threads here from people who know someone they don't like, or don't understand, or don't get along with, and are convinced that means the person has a mental illness. I know people think it's great to be able to put others into tidy little boxes, or see everything as black-and-white, or feel like being a DB is caused by mental illness and hence if one doesn't have a mental illness, one is "safe" from ever being a jerk... but... that's not the way the world actually works, unfortunately.
You're partly falling into the trap here yourself by making excuses for their behavior.
To me a lot of it starts at home and in school with bullies. The bullies in school somehow get away with behavior that would get the rest of us punished. But the school supports and protects the bully -- "you need to be more understanding" or "forgive and forget" or "makeup and be friends" or "he/she has a bad home life" or some other drivel meant to minimize the bullying action done and its effect on the victim. If, however, as the victim, you decide to fight back, that same support system the bully has turns into punishment for the victim. "Fighting is wrong" or one of those other standard cliche's to excuse the bully from responsibility. The bully is emotionally supported and validated while the victim is left with the choice of continuing being bullied or being punished for fighting back against the bully.
Our modern adult society has become the same way -- you aren't allowed to defend yourself, but the "poor misunderstood bully (or criminal) needs our support and understanding." BS
I am not making excuses for those whose behavior can be troublesome for others. I responded to the poster who is seemingly wanting to make light of or differentiate some from others. I am not doing what he has stated, either. Some may want to simply call anyone being problematic to others a "jerk", a dictionary definition of being a "contemptibly foolish person".
I agree with you, that it all begins at home, which is one point I had wanted to make, how sadly, anyone can have children, and then we see how many are raised to have issues, creating problems for those around them. Bullying has been too commonplace and is problematic. If the type you mention did not develop hang-ups from at home in childhood, they would not become bullies.
What you stated about bullying reminds me of others' reactions when having discussed my current neighbor..."Why don't you just try to talk to him?", "Bring him baked goods", "Become friends", "Maybe he doesn't realize how his behavior is bothersome.." blah, blah...when the guy is so rooted in being a bully at 61 years of age, none of that applies.
If complaining about another's overbearing, inconsiderate behavior, others may assume or judge the complainer as "too sensitive" and criticizing their reactions, when management or others do not know what the victim is experiencing. This issue is common from what I have seen, this type being resistant, becoming retaliatory, being unable to contact -- when it has to do with one not accepting responsibility for their negative actions.
So, this is really as you described, however, in a case such as this, in some shared housing buildings, things might be handled better and more appropriately. It's one of those very frustrating situations for some.
Last edited by In2itive_1; 11-28-2021 at 10:09 PM..
Another personality problem to mention, is one being very gossipy. It seems one like this focuses upon this as their everyday form of communication. When I first met this person years ago in this apartment building, I just thought he was friendly and helpful, only to later find that he (and the one he lives with) are those in the building who know things about everyone. Later on, finding out that the apartment manager also gossips about the tenants with other tenants.
So, though having an established familiarity with this couple, I have kept more to myself. They live in a unit overlooking the parking lot, so they see everything, commenting on one's purchases, seeing whom you spoke to.. it's ridiculous. Of course, it's another reason to move, which is difficult for me now and have an ailing knee requiring surgery, next year. So, here I am. Though friendly when greeting others, there are not those appropriate for having a close friendship with.
Anyway, though I have sometimes interacted with the aforementioned guy whom I am conflicted about, as he can also be helpful, he is difficult to communicate with. Once he wanted to begin discussing something seemingly important, only to find he had (unfounded) concerns regarding a young neighbor, ideas that he constructed in his own head about her life, for no reason. I just defended her and asked why he would even be concerned....and should not have even engaged with him about. This guy seems to also have a superiority and control issue, telling others how to do something - his way, of course. Talk about one needing therapy.
It has been rare for me to experience this type, but recall gossip erupting some in the workplace, when I would just disengage myself if a situation arose. What I have read is that, one doing this has low self-esteem, this giving them a sense of power, a sense of relief, being "in the know" and in order to display their power, discussing information reinforces their ego. It gives them something to say and spice up conversations.
Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest and honestly, whenever I can end up living elsewhere, I hope to never deal with problematic people again, which I hadn't in housing when younger. I recall reading somewhere one's story of having moved into an over-55 building only to find out how cliquish the residents were.
In my experience, you find people behaving badly pretty much everywhere.
You are correct that bad behavior affects others, if only to drive them away from the badly behaved person. I think it is best to learn coping strategies. You will be faced with dealing with badly behaving people throughout your life.
Why not give the spying couple in your building an acknowledging wave when you exit your car? You might embarrass them. You will be letting them know you are aware of their interest in you.
Limit your interactions with the difficult guy. Don’t engage.
And, learn not to let these people live in your head.
Not everyone who's a jerk has a mental illness. Not everyone you dislike has a mental illness. Some people are just jerks.
And, of course, not everyone with a mental illness is a jerk.
Let's not go off making too many assumptions about mental illness.
This is a good point, but the examples the OP gave were extreme. I don't think she's going around labelling people who merely rub her the wrong way, or at least, not on this thread, so far.
Sounds like a nuisance neighbor I'm dealing with. 'loud and phony' sums it up quite well.
These people know they're pushing the edge if not wrong and they will lie, act and/or manipulate. They will lie to those in authority including a landlord. They will put on a act as in a goody two shoe or victim and they will manipulate people to follow them/be an advocate. This is being played out now. Nuisance neighbor has ignored or lied to landlord played blissfull ignorance towards their excess noise/partying and manipulated a neighbor to participate in their life including giving them rides. This was a process and saw it over time.
People like frequently screw up big time but until they do from what I've seen will test and push their life on others until someone or thing flatout stops them
This is exactly what some of them do! They organize a posse, by playing the victim. They may even turn the tables, and make their victim out to be the bad guy/girl. It sounds like this hasn't happened in the OP's case, though. Maybe her neighbor isn't that adept. And she did the right thing, by lodging a complaint early on.
So, OP, when you were job interviewing, and found out that your earlier co-worker had rolled through the office you were interviewing with, and left dust and wreckage in his wake, did you take the job with them? Seems like you had a highly sympathetic interviewer. That's a good sign. I'd want to work for a company or supervisor who was on the ball that way. I observed a case, where the supervisor completely fell for the troublemaker's act and false claim, that his victim was causing a major problem for everyone. Naive supervisors are to be avoided, if possible.
In my experience, you find people behaving badly pretty much everywhere.
You are correct that bad behavior affects others, if only to drive them away from the badly behaved person. I think it is best to learn coping strategies. You will be faced with dealing with badly behaving people throughout your life.
Why not give the spying couple in your building an acknowledging wave when you exit your car? You might embarrass them. You will be letting them know you are aware of their interest in you.
Limit your interactions with the difficult guy. Don’t engage.
And, learn not to let these people live in your head.
Best wishes.
Thanks. Yes, I have looked up toward their darkened window at times... and once, stuck out my tongue.
This is exactly what some of them do! They organize a posse, by playing the victim. They may even turn the tables, and make their victim out to be the bad guy/girl. It sounds like this hasn't happened in the OP's case, though. Maybe her neighbor isn't that adept. And she did the right thing, by lodging a complaint early on.
So, OP, when you were job interviewing, and found out that your earlier co-worker had rolled through the office you were interviewing with, and left dust and wreckage in his wake, did you take the job with them? Seems like you had a highly sympathetic interviewer. That's a good sign. I'd want to work for a company or supervisor who was on the ball that way. I observed a case, where the supervisor completely fell for the troublemaker's act and false claim, that his victim was causing a major problem for everyone. Naive supervisors are to be avoided, if possible.
Yes, as the gentleman said that they'd had another from the same department, I casually said "Oh yes, I knew ___." He got quiet...then opened up about how difficult things had been, and I responded with how I knew exactly what he was referring to. It was reassuring to see how another had not tolerated his behavior. (I think the position was not offered as I mutually had little interest in, but had been a pleasant meeting).
As you said, naive supervisors (or apartment managers) are a problem, which is what has occurred with my current apartment manager being fooled by the "salesman" character living above me, thinking he was believable, when someone like myself would have sensed something was off or seen right through him.
That is why I brought this up as I had, how both of these negative personality experiences have had me deal with aggravation and a lack of support by those in charge to appropriately evaluate the situation and handle it.
Last edited by In2itive_1; 11-30-2021 at 10:45 PM..
Thanks. Yes, I have looked up toward their darkened window at times... and once, stuck out my tongue.
Made me laugh.
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