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I am glad you are telling us, DCT2019. I noticed that another poster said you "allowed" it, but you are really not to blame. We are often taught that we have to live in the "real world" where people will be mean to us and we have to learn to toughen our skin. I no longer believe this and think that we are told this in order to benefit people who have poor conflict resolution skills. Now I am of the opinion that it takes more work and skills to create a safe bubble for yourself and those you care.
The problem is that you can’t change everyone else’s behavior. The OP is getting bullied by anyone and everyone, including his own family, over multiple years, including into adulthood. What’s the solution? I think the only person that can put a stop to this is the OP.
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Originally Posted by DCT2019
I am a male. She was telling me that because she didn't like how I was not standing up for myself when my cousin was picking on me. Basically victim blaming.
I think sometimes people recognize that you can’t change every person on the planet. You are not talking about one individual at one particular time in your life. It seems to a reoccurring phenomenon in your life. The only person that’s going to be able to change this is you. Bullies don’t generally bully everyone, they seek out “victims” who respond the way they want them to. These “victims” act a certain way in public and respond to aggression a certain way. I guess you can seek to try to rid the world of bullies or you can refuse to be a victim.
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Originally Posted by pathrunner
I agree. Physical activity and fitness is very empowering. Heck I finally went back to the gym after having orthopedic surgery a few months ago. Just one session in the gym made me feel like I could be fit and powerful again. Putting on those workout clothes and breathing hard and pushing oneself a little further each time does wonders for self-confidence.
I agree. People respond to someone mainly depending nonverbal cues. If you project an aura of confidence people respond accordingly. I feel much more confident when I eat healthy, exercise, and get enough sleep. I come in ready to tackle the day, not afraid of confrontation, and others respond to me accordingly.
A book I’d recommend is The Charisma Myth. I don’t like the authors presentations, so don’t watch those, but the book is golden. It gives you simple techniques, such as body language, and how to listen and speak so others will see you as a leader. I was a shy, introvert (and got picked on myself back in the day) who managed to land a managerial position in charge of 30-40 individuals and I read that book both before I got the job and during the job on a continuous basis.
I think sometimes people recognize that you can’t change every person on the planet. You are not talking about one individual at one particular time in your life. It seems to a reoccurring phenomenon in your life. The only person that’s going to be able to change this is you. Bullies don’t generally bully everyone, they seek out “victims” who respond the way they want them to. These “victims” act a certain way in public and respond to aggression a certain way. I guess you can seek to try to rid the world of bullies or you can refuse to be a victim.
Yes, it's very gratifying that I no longer seem to have bullies in my life. They disappeared after I took care of some issues I had from my own childhood, which were similar to the OP's. My only regret is that it took so long. Things get ingrained and it takes time to realize that you can do something about it. I highly recommend The Crappy Childhood Fairy. That's not the only thing that helped me. Various Narcissistic Mother blogs, and later YouTube videos (Dr. Ramani, Patrick Teahan, Dr. Todd Grande, etc.)
The problem is that you can’t change everyone else’s behavior. The OP is getting bullied by anyone and everyone, including his own family, over multiple years, including into adulthood. What’s the solution? I think the only person that can put a stop to this is the OP.
The only solution I see is to get away from them if that is what you mean by putting a stop. Otherwise, the other option is to put a stop by making others change their behavior.
The only solution I see is to get away from them if that is what you mean by putting a stop. Otherwise, the other option is to put a stop by making others change their behavior.
If that were possible I'd still be married! If that were possible, I wouldn't have been the family of origin and extended family scapegoat since childhood!
I agree. People respond to someone mainly depending nonverbal cues. If you project an aura of confidence people respond accordingly. I feel much more confident when I eat healthy, exercise, and get enough sleep. I come in ready to tackle the day, not afraid of confrontation, and others respond to me accordingly.
A book I’d recommend is The Charisma Myth. I don’t like the authors presentations, so don’t watch those, but the book is golden. It gives you simple techniques, such as body language, and how to listen and speak so others will see you as a leader. I was a shy, introvert (and got picked on myself back in the day) who managed to land a managerial position in charge of 30-40 individuals and I read that book both before I got the job and during the job on a continuous basis.
There is a good deal of truth to this. It is unfortunate that building confidence is harder to think about than to actually accomplish, particularly if you've been badly beaten down by life.
My wife is an interesting mix here. She is no damsel in distress. If she were assaulted, physically or otherwise, she is ready to defend herself. In her salad days she had to deal with the things that beautiful women have had to deal with since time immemorial. She's kind, but one look at her and somehow you know she's not to be messed with. AND she has a superb BS filter. And yet ... her Kryptonite is her 28 year old daughter, who is a borderline personality and pretty much defines the term "carelessly cruel". Somehow until recently my wife could not stand up to her, and even now, it's a massive effort and challenge even to her mental health and well being to maintain healthy boundaries, which, unfortunately, are pretty much long since into "bugger off until you are willing to be a decent human" territory -- daughter or not.
People are complicated, and compartmentalized, and often inconsistent; they don't necessarily invite abuse from all comers all the time. Though of course, some do.
If that were possible I'd still be married! If that were possible, I wouldn't have been the family of origin and extended family scapegoat since childhood!
So what exactly does "put a stop to it mean"? I apologize that I haven't kept track of every detail in the thread. Maybe somebody mentioned putting distance between yourself and the bully. That would be a start for me.
Yes, distance is the only thing that worked for me with respect to family and certain former friends. I was amused when I wrote the above.
In my experience, there is no way to control other peoples' behavior, especially family. Those relationships are so complex. I remember thinking when my mother was still alive that I had to train her like a Pavlov's dog... behavior modification. She never learned boundaries when she was on a tear. She wasn't always on a tear, but frequently she was.
I think it IS possible to alter the behavior of someone else if there's something in it for them. The problem is, most bullies don't value you so there is no incentive for them to change their attitude and behavior toward you.
Yes, distance is the only thing that worked for me with respect to family and certain former friends. I was amused when I wrote the above.
In my experience, there is no way to control other peoples' behavior, especially family. Those relationships are so complex. I remember thinking when my mother was still alive that I had to train her like a Pavlov's dog... behavior modification. She never learned boundaries when she was on a tear. She wasn't always on a tear, but frequently she was.
I think it IS possible to alter the behavior of someone else if there's something in it for them. The problem is, most bullies don't value you so there is no incentive for them to change their attitude and behavior toward you.
I made it my life goal to make this untrue, that is, having relationships that are complex because sometimes "complex" can often be a sign of lack of clarity and coherance. In other words, being difficult. These relationships require a lot of mind reading, and of you don't get it right, then yeah, you are not valued as a member.
For me personally, I had to do some mind twisting in order for me to "toughen" my skin, that is, to see value in myself.
While I distanced myself from those who openly bullied others, I fell into the more "cultured" people where they were nice to you in front of others, but behind close doors was another story. They were sure to leave no evidence that bullying was occuring and so I was perceived as a complainer, as somebody who airs her dirty laundry for the world to see.
So that was when I decided once and for all that it couldn't possibly be true that I wasn't valuable. Why would they put up with me? Just say, "Hey, you can't be here, Elyn." But that never happened. And, sure there were people who said I should have been grateful that they tolerated me, but, again, that devalues you. So that's when I decided they must be getting something out of me being here, something more than a person to be mean to, something more than a show that they tolerate others. That's when I played my hand in way they never anticipated.
Today that group is nice to me publicly and privately.
Very interesting. I do think it's necessary to strategize when dealing with a large group of people that are "cultured" or "elite" or "alpha" in some way.
Very interesting. I do think it's necessary to strategize when dealing with a large group of people that are "cultured" or "elite" or "alpha" in some way.
Thanks. The solution was nothing more than treating them like they didn't exist for 4 years. They tried speaking to me through other people but that got them nowhere. Then they made the first direct move, a kind one. I pretended there was no bad past between us and that was the end of that.
Last edited by elyn02; 01-10-2022 at 08:03 PM..
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