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1) you are the one who chooses your friends
2) don't be friends who make you feel bad
3) if you find the good outweighs some bad in a friend, then shrug off the bad and view it as the price of admission for having that friend.
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I haven't read all the pages, but it's a very good topic.
I find that we tend to keep friends that are similar to our own temperaments. All my friends are quite "live and let live", and rarely if ever say something belittling or if it's critical, at least it's constructive. And if it's petty, we all call each other on it.
I can't stand ppl who put down others to make themselves feel superior. In fact I tend to give them the medicine back.
I really like what Mikala43 stated above. We choose our friends (unlike our family lol).
My bestie is very easy going, but he has a lot of traits I don't like. But there are minor enough that I put up with it. Though TBH we have been spending a lot less time together because of his more toxic parts.
So yeah we decide what we can put up with and what we can't. I'm sure I have some annoying traits, but my friends tolerate them enough to want to be with me lol.
Oh btw, some ppl take everything as an insult, my sister is one of them. I am very careful in how I "criticize" her or tell her her mistakes. I think it's self image or lack of confidence in certain things in her life.
I don't choose perfect friends, because I know I am not perfect. In fact, people who think they are perfect are usually the worst (as the old saying goes).
The friend I wrote about in the OP has some very good qualities, so I didn't fire him as a friend in spite of the insults. If I confront him about something he did or said that hurt me, he acknowledges the mistake and says he will try to do better. Lots of people can't do that.
I think this friend, and lots of people in general, don't process language in a very deep and multi-dimensional way. They kind of focus on the "surface" message. When taken to extreme, that can border on autism.
I think, maybe, women are better at deep processing of language, and we are more likely to grasp the subtle messages. Maybe. And I don't mean all women, just generally.
Get a good 'book of insults,' preferably really old insults that sound almost civil but cut to the quick. Then start shelling them out. People will learn real quick to shut up and if they don't, just keep them coming. Given them a taste of their own medicine.
Be careful Riley somebody will come on and accuse you of having a "hot temper"! I simply said on another thread that I would stare someone down and was accused of having one. I wouldn't mind having a copy of this book, if only to have some zingers ready for my housemate who has a quick and sharp wit
I think the first step to surviving insults, as difficult as it may be, is to realize that they are probably coming from a place of hurt, discomfort, insecurity, frustration; you name the emotion.
Empathy is at the heart of any healthy interpersonal relationship.
Being in a bad place doesn't make it okay to sling insults at others, but perhaps empathy will help make it more manageable for the person on the receiving end.
Also, some folks are just insufferable c...well, you get the point.
I am trying to figure out the best ways to react to these subtle insults. Getting angry obviously won't help, and could end the friendship. I did confront him the other day, when he was praising a mutual friend to high heaven, not for the first time. I said "Well it's obvious you like her much better than me." At least I tried to make him aware that he was not being polite to me. Sure, it's fine to compliment others. But when it's excessive, and it's another woman, that simply is not nice. If I did similarly to him, I am pretty sure he would not react well.
Today he sent a message saying he's sorry if he doesn't compliment me enough. That was nice, but I will have to explain to him I am not looking for fake compliments. Just let me know when I am doing something well, not just when I am not doing it well enough.
One thing I try to remember to do is tell people when I have a nice thought about them. They might think I'm being fake or kissing up, but I'm not. I just think, why not let someone know the good thought I am having about them.
I am trying to figure out the best ways to react to these subtle insults. Getting angry obviously won't help, and could end the friendship. I did confront him the other day, when he was praising a mutual friend to high heaven, not for the first time. I said "Well it's obvious you like her much better than me." At least I tried to make him aware that he was not being polite to me. Sure, it's fine to compliment others. But when it's excessive, and it's another woman, that simply is not nice. If I did similarly to him, I am pretty sure he would not react well.
Today he sent a message saying he's sorry if he doesn't compliment me enough. That was nice, but I will have to explain to him I am not looking for fake compliments. Just let me know when I am doing something well, not just when I am not doing it well enough.
One thing I try to remember to do is tell people when I have a nice thought about them. They might think I'm being fake or kissing up, but I'm not. I just think, why not let someone know the good thought I am having about them.
Is this someone you have feelings for?
Does he appear to be doing it in an obnoxious way that is intended to make you feel inferior?
I know we aren't supposed to let insults bother us. I KNOW that insults aren't likely to be true. Sometimes the motivation is envy, or the person just likes to be hurtful. Or whatever.
Insults are of course very common at online forums, like this one. But maybe they are also common in personal text messages. I don't know. Insults VERY often are subtle and indirect.
An insult I got today went like this: I had tried to fix something on my car, and it mostly went ok, except for one little thing I didn't quite get to work. Not a big deal. I mentioned this to a friend, in text. He said he could not understand why I would have any trouble with that thing, it is so EASY and SIMPLE.
I am not someone who generally knows how to fix mechanical things, by the way, so I had felt good about getting most of it fixed.
The friend who said that very often insults me in that kind of indirect way.
What does it mean when someone who is supposedly a friend does that? I guess he feels competitive with me? I think I am pretty careful not to hurt people's feelings, either directly or indirectly. I wonder why I sometimes get targeted in this way.
I felt bad enough about that, which was earlier in the day. Then just a little while ago another "friend" put me down in an indirect way about something else. I started to feel like a lightning rod for indirect insults.
I wonder if the answer is to avoid the kind of "friends" who do this? Or is the answer to be less sensitive and just ignore it? Or is the answer to stop sending out the wrong kind of vibrations, that somehow encourage this spitefulness?
I didn't read that as an insult at all. I read it as: "hmmm. that's odd, that is a very simple thing to fix, yet you had a lot of trouble with it, perhaps something is wrong with this part that you are not aware of which was causing you much more trouble than was needed."
For instance, maybe you had to change out something that normally is a quick change-out, but you had so much trouble because the bolts were rusted. So you had to deal with those rusted bolts first. Maybe he was just thinking out loud, wondering why something that was simple ended up being difficult.
I didn't read that as an insult at all. I read it as: "hmmm. that's odd, that is a very simple thing to fix, yet you had a lot of trouble with it, perhaps something is wrong with this part that you are not aware of which was causing you much more trouble than was needed."
For instance, maybe you had to change out something that normally is a quick change-out, but you had so much trouble because the bolts were rusted. So you had to deal with those rusted bolts first. Maybe he was just thinking out loud, wondering why something that was simple ended up being difficult.
No. Anyway, this friend accidentally insults me a lot, so this is just one more example. He also was very insulting to a mutual friend. I don't know if he does it to everyone.
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