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Old 10-03-2022, 06:19 AM
 
21,494 posts, read 12,588,095 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eastcoastguyz View Post
The concept of having "no regrets" is just that and right. There is no pop-psychology about it. It serves no purpose to live your life brooding about things that occured in the past that you can do nothing to change. All you can do is more forward, because there is no such thing as a time machine to go back and fix it. You learn from mistakes and on move. Living with no regrets is correct.
It also "does no good" to love someone who doesn't look you back...or to miss someone who's died. Yet those are human emotions we really have no control over. If you can just say "not a useful emotion" and stop feeling it, well, that's weird to me; sorry! We're not robots. At least most of us aren't. I do, however, know several people who have gone on SSRIs and suddenly express that sentiment. One said, "I used to care, but now I don't." Which is also scary to me! I'd rather feel all of my feelings; good or bad, "useful" or not.
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Old 10-03-2022, 07:36 AM
 
271 posts, read 203,546 times
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I have some regrets and poor decisions from my past. They surface from time to time but I can't do anything about them now!
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Old 10-03-2022, 07:40 AM
 
271 posts, read 203,546 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KittenSparkles View Post
\

If you click on the survey link, and scroll down, there is a map where you can read regrets people have submitted from all over the world by country, and in the US and Canada, by state. Its really amazing to see the commonalities of what people regret in their lives, despite age and gender.
I clicked on the two states I've lived in and many of the regrets seem like I could've written them!
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Old 10-03-2022, 09:53 AM
 
9,229 posts, read 8,495,935 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
...I've always envied those people, to an extent; admired them, in a way; even feared them, slightly.

I read once that sociopaths feel no remorse and make no amends because "it's over."

It's not quite human.
We are all human; and to be human is to have the capacity for great good and great evil. It is our choices that make our path. Envy no one, because you don't know their inner life. Admire everyone for the courage they have in facing their daily lives. Fear only consequences of your own actions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bu2 View Post
The corollary-forgive yourself. We are all human and fall short of perfection.
Absolutely. One cannot forgive others until one forgives oneself.
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Old 10-03-2022, 09:53 AM
 
6,277 posts, read 4,141,360 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
I feel fortunate to not have many heavyweight regrets. Maybe that's because I've been able to put the others to rest by taking the licking I may have deserved, absorbing those lessons, and becoming a better person as a result of those licks. Sure, a few remain, but I choose to believe they have their uses...like flashing a Proceed With Caution warning on upcoming decisions I might be facing. There is one in particular I can't wrestle into place and doubt I ever will. It would probably seem rather trivial to others, but not to me. Just have to accept the fact it can't really be resolved.
I think of the serenity prayer

grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Old 10-03-2022, 10:52 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,216 posts, read 14,443,385 times
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Kinda yes, sorta no?

I mean, I've had "foot in mouth" moments, that if I recall them now I still have that emotional cringe, wish I could crawl under a rock feeling about it. I can't say why but about the only line of mental dialog that seems to alleviate that kind of memory-trigger-embarrassment, is to say, "Ugh, I'm an idiot. Pay me no mind, for a reasonably smart person, sometimes I'm just stupid." Some, including at least a few friends who love me, would get mad that I am putting myself down like that...yet it doesn't FEEL like I am putting myself down. The message in my head/heart there is more, "It's alright, you just are human and not perfect and it happens to the best of us. Laugh, shake it off, move on."

But the big ones. The times where I lay awake in bed contemplating the question, "How far back would I need to go, to fix all the mistakes that I have made if I had a do-over in life?"... That is more complicated. I don't know if it even makes any sense to HAVE regrets about the big stuff. Because the alternative was a complete unknown. I had a pretty awful first marriage and I used to say that I didn't regret it because I got two wonderful kids out of it after all...but now those boys are young adults and they are suffering and struggling and not doing so well. Maybe my ex isn't the only one who should never have been a parent? But...maybe they will grow and learn and get through this? And what was the alternative, if I could go back and turn the wheel and steer my life onto a different course in 1997... I might have ended up with someone worse. I might have followed my nihilistic self destructive behaviors to an early grave. After all, getting pregnant when I did, gave me a very strong push to get serious, stop messing around, and grow up. A lot of who I am today, is because of who I was then, the obligations that spurred me to succeed, the things I had to go through to learn. And I like the person that I am today, and the place where I am at!

So...regret? I don't know.

And at the end of the day, it does feel rather pointless because no matter how much you think about it, you can't go back in time and try a different path anyways. As far as I know. Although there are times that I have pondered the concept of a sci-fi multiverse afterlife where we DO get a chance to try again...I don't have any actual beliefs about it.

It's too obvious to say that understanding all of the wrong steps in the past helps me not to make those mistakes in the present and the future, but to me that's like, "duh of course I wouldn't." Because the stuff that I wrestle with, that's the choices of my 18 year old self. I am not that person now. I don't need those lessons at age 43, and I wouldn't listen to a wise person's advice at age 18. My younger self is the one who had to run face first into a brick wall, I just wish that it weren't so easy to make choices at such a young age that follow you for the rest of your life.
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Old 10-03-2022, 11:17 AM
bu2
 
23,858 posts, read 14,640,066 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
Kinda yes, sorta no?

I mean, I've had "foot in mouth" moments, that if I recall them now I still have that emotional cringe, wish I could crawl under a rock feeling about it. I can't say why but about the only line of mental dialog that seems to alleviate that kind of memory-trigger-embarrassment, is to say, "Ugh, I'm an idiot. Pay me no mind, for a reasonably smart person, sometimes I'm just stupid." Some, including at least a few friends who love me, would get mad that I am putting myself down like that...yet it doesn't FEEL like I am putting myself down. The message in my head/heart there is more, "It's alright, you just are human and not perfect and it happens to the best of us. Laugh, shake it off, move on."

But the big ones. The times where I lay awake in bed contemplating the question, "How far back would I need to go, to fix all the mistakes that I have made if I had a do-over in life?"... That is more complicated. I don't know if it even makes any sense to HAVE regrets about the big stuff. Because the alternative was a complete unknown. I had a pretty awful first marriage and I used to say that I didn't regret it because I got two wonderful kids out of it after all...but now those boys are young adults and they are suffering and struggling and not doing so well. Maybe my ex isn't the only one who should never have been a parent? But...maybe they will grow and learn and get through this? And what was the alternative, if I could go back and turn the wheel and steer my life onto a different course in 1997... I might have ended up with someone worse. I might have followed my nihilistic self destructive behaviors to an early grave. After all, getting pregnant when I did, gave me a very strong push to get serious, stop messing around, and grow up. A lot of who I am today, is because of who I was then, the obligations that spurred me to succeed, the things I had to go through to learn. And I like the person that I am today, and the place where I am at!

So...regret? I don't know.

And at the end of the day, it does feel rather pointless because no matter how much you think about it, you can't go back in time and try a different path anyways. As far as I know. Although there are times that I have pondered the concept of a sci-fi multiverse afterlife where we DO get a chance to try again...I don't have any actual beliefs about it.

It's too obvious to say that understanding all of the wrong steps in the past helps me not to make those mistakes in the present and the future, but to me that's like, "duh of course I wouldn't." Because the stuff that I wrestle with, that's the choices of my 18 year old self. I am not that person now. I don't need those lessons at age 43, and I wouldn't listen to a wise person's advice at age 18. My younger self is the one who had to run face first into a brick wall, I just wish that it weren't so easy to make choices at such a young age that follow you for the rest of your life.
Just because you don't have regrets doesn't mean you don't remember it. I remember a foot in mouth moment from 1982. I was repeating my Dad's comments about how poorly built homes by a particular builder were, not realizing the woman I was talking to owned one of those homes. Given the neighborhood she lived in, I should have known it was a possibility. It was stupid and I felt bad at the time, but I just needed to learn to be more careful with such comments. I couldn't take it back.
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Old 10-03-2022, 11:55 AM
 
Location: Vancouver
18,492 posts, read 15,353,946 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eastcoastguyz View Post
The concept of having "no regrets" is just that and right. There is no pop-psychology about it. It serves no purpose to live your life brooding about things that occured in the past that you can do nothing to change. All you can do is more forward, because there is no such thing as a time machine to go back and fix it. You learn from mistakes and on move. Living with no regrets is correct.
You can have both. I have regrets, especially the things I've done that may have hurt people, but I accept them and move on. They aren't holding me back.

To say to myself that I have no regrets, sounds a bit uncaring.

I think we are all trying to say the same thing. Regrets are part of life, having them control and prevent you from moving on, isn't good. So accept your regrets and move on, since if I don't have them, how can I have learned from them?
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Old 10-03-2022, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma
6,809 posts, read 6,894,588 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
I think there are two general categories for "regrets." One is that which affects yourself (choices made, directions taken or not, etc.) and those that affect others (estrangement, breakups, maybe cruel treatment). I have more of the first kind than the second, although I recognize that I couldn't have been a different person at those times.
Regarding the two different types of regrets, I agree. As I've gotten older and closer to the end of my life, I have been more regretful of actions I took in my life that affected others negatively, most if not all involving people who are no longer in my life due to death, estrangement or simply losing touch.

The actions I took that affected only me are more of "lessons learned" type of regrets, but the ones where people have been hurt by my actions are the ones that cause the most regret.
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Old 10-03-2022, 02:23 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,216 posts, read 14,443,385 times
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Actually I think that the final station on this train of thought for me...

My biggest "regrets" (if I'm going to call them that, and I'm often unsure)...were all things that I did, conditions I set into motion, situations created by my decisions by the time I finished my 18th year of life.

No big regrets for much of anything between then and now, because since then I've mostly been either rolling with the punches dealing with the neverending consequences of those choices, or I've made good decisions that I don't regret at all.

And I get kinda peeved that my choices and actions when I was a TEENAGER were so powerful and life-trajectory-altering that I would never stop paying for them. Sometimes just the basic fact that this was even possible feels rather unfair, to me. That just a few years' of youthful lack of wisdom can set in motion decades, a lifetime's, worth of consequences. And I was let to make those choices at a time in my life when I was least equipped to do it well.

I don't know.
It's frustrating to think about.
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