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Old 06-23-2023, 11:41 AM
 
9,952 posts, read 6,557,607 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
This is massive misinterpretation. Maybe ASK the person how they feel if you're not sure. If they WANT false hope and rainbows let them have it or stay out of it. But don't force it on others because it makes you feel better.

I have no personal social media accounts. This idea applies very well to in-person interactions too. Social media magnifies it. It's really just about shutting down what one perceives as negativity (even if it's normal life stuff) and telling them everything is sunshine.

I would not tell someone with late stage breast cancer that they would be cured or "beat this". That is a lie. I would send them my best, prayers if they like, or whatever they prefer. I would let them talk about their experience if they wanted and just listen. Because I've done it, most of us know or have known people with terminal illness. One guy on a forum had advanced melanoma, and others started up with that nonsense of cures, and taking some kind of natural substances and supplements. He told them please stop that nonsense, the cancer had taken over and he was at peace. And they did stop and the discussion became something that was actually beneficial to him, a respectful and welcome tribute to the man, no fake false hope like he's a fool or unable to handle the truth.

Yes of course people do this fake positivity stuff offline too.
I do think that there is a point to be made about treating cancer like a war. That is not something everyone wants to be told, primarily because it can place a value judgment on a person who is seen as not fighting “hard” enough to “beat” cancer. For the most part, a person who is going through the recommended treatments and is honest about feeling horrible isn’t “weaker” than the person who is flying to the ends of the globe to try experimental treatment 1 and brand new expensive treatment 2 that an average patient would not have the opportunity to try or afford. It’s absolutely fine and appropriate to tell people that you thinking about them or praying for them (whichever works for you) and are open to listening to their thoughts without judgment.
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Old 06-23-2023, 12:51 PM
 
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To those of you who have been in therapy do they ever advise not to confront your feelings?
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Old 06-23-2023, 01:28 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,205 posts, read 14,410,233 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
To those of you who have been in therapy do they ever advise not to confront your feelings?
I have been in therapy but it has rarely worked to make anything better.

I only ever had one who really helped me. And most of his advisement on confronting my feelings, was to cut the crap and be honest with myself and with him. I was so used to spinning this emotional narrative and maneuvering everyone around me to sympathy and justifying doing whatever I wanted (this was when I was a teenager.) And when I tried that with him, he said "Look, you can lie to me, you can lie to other people, but you should never lie to yourself." Really stopped me in my tracks for a second.

He was a salty old New Jersey Jew, with the intense accent and all. Such a wise dude. I was quite fond of him.

Thing is though at that time, my "woe is me, my life is hard and I feel this and that about it" stuff was really an excuse more than anything. And it was holding me back. I did not need to sit there navel gazing and "processing my trauma" or anything like that, I needed to buck up and do my homework and quit self medicating and do things that would actually benefit me in my life. I NEEDED someone to call me on my BS, and no one else was willing to do it.

I had to stop dwelling on all of the reasons I could use to be dysfunctional, and exercise the ability that I absolutely always had, to be functional and even successful. And I needed to believe in my own power to do that for myself. And no therapist but that one, ever even suggested such a thing to me.
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Old 10-15-2023, 10:41 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
8,423 posts, read 3,680,958 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
The point is some people cannot handle ANYTHING that isn't rainbows and sunshine (THEIR reality) they will ignore you or deny or even straight up lie to get you to drop it or change the story.
It’s far healthier to live in your own ‘reality’ than expect folks to listen to (or care about) your version of theirs, particularly relative to social media/the thread.
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Old 10-15-2023, 11:32 PM
 
Location: az
13,212 posts, read 7,643,251 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
Does social media encourage us to lie to ourselves? Not the lying to others to look better or one up, but denying or hiding from reality ourselves because everything is supposed to be so positive all the time. If we aren't positive we may be told to stop complaining or being a "downer". What about people who are actually depressed or going through some difficulty. Or just living a real life of ups and downs.

What is complaining anyway? Say someone talks about their day and the things that happened. person 1- Today my car broke down and the tow truck took two hours in the rain, and the mechanic seemed like a rip off. Person 2- Today I got a promotion, my kid got all As at school and the weather was beautiful. They are both true. One is not more legit than another. One does not deserve to be called "complaining" or "venting" (negative connotation), while the other gets pats on the back, they are both reality. They are both someone's story.

I think it can cause confusion in people who are not always happy, of course none of us are always happy and we weren't designed that way. We may be less encouraged to deal with issues if we can push it down inside, go on social media and get a dose of fake positivity.
I've never used Facebook or Twitter and confront life on life's terms daily. I find no need to pretend to be something I'm not.

Besides what’s the point? I’m 65 years old. Who is there to impress? That’s a young man’s game.
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Old 10-16-2023, 12:34 AM
 
762 posts, read 358,505 times
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Reality isn't mine, yours or theirs, it just is what it is. People may have their own beliefs and/or thoughts that they're attached to and mistake that for reality, but that's an illusion not based on the facts or truth. If we're talking solely about social media, I think it's still the same thing, but a lot of that is simply someone else's opinion, or worse, it's a group of people who have the same opinion. Group think.... you want to avoid that all costs.

Unfortunately, many people believe social media group think to be the truth. It becomes peer pressure and has nothing to do w/ reality. I don't care how many many people believe something, that in itself that doesn't make it real or right.

Social media is full of toxic group think. Besides, it isn't social anyway, it's antisocial. People are isolated from others when they're on social media, they're not interacting w/ the real world that's right in front of them.
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Old 10-16-2023, 07:55 PM
 
2,519 posts, read 2,632,321 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bu2 View Post
There's nothing toxic about being positive. People just have different ways of dealing with tough situations.
When you are being positive about a negative situation, that is not a good thing.
Avoiding reality and not caring about others' feelings are examples of "toxic positivity."
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Old 10-17-2023, 11:22 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,205 posts, read 14,410,233 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chessimprov View Post
When you are being positive about a negative situation, that is not a good thing.
Avoiding reality and not caring about others' feelings are examples of "toxic positivity."
Mm, I'm not sure.

If the negative situation centers on you, and you're using humor to cope with it, you're applying a positive (humor) to the negative situation so you can deal. And in some of my lowest times I tried to be grateful for what little I DID have and optimistic that if I kept pushing forward, then my life might get better...that helped keep me feeling empowered to accomplish things.

I believe that I have a neurological predisposition to depression (I have reasons to think so, not getting all into it here.) It is a very bad idea for me to dwell too deeply on negative things. I can start just thinking about a negative situation I'm dealing with, and it can feed into massively destructive negative self talk that grabs me and pulls me into a dysfunctional and self destructive spiral. It is the most toxic state that I can think of.

If I choose instead to put on some happy jazzy music (March Fourth Marching Band!) and shove all the muck to the side and not give it my focus, and just get on with things...because I DO have that choice...I don't care what any other person thinks of it, I am going to do that. I don't have any obligation to wallow in misery to validate someone else's desire to see me experience some situation-appropriate amount of suffering.

Ah! I have a thought. It depends on whether someone is aiming "positivity" of some kind at themselves, or at somebody else.

Imagination exercise: A soldier lost a leg in battle. A nurse comes and sits by his bedside. Her face and eyes are full of tears and sorrow and sympathy. He is making jokes (like soldiers do) to try and keep his spirits up and because he feels tis better to laugh. She frowns and says, "but are you not sad? You will never be able to do your job again. Your life really is over. Aren't you so depressed about that? You can tell me." It's like she has some kind of need to see him be miserable in front of her? When he's just trying to smile and cope and find reasons to keep living?

Who there is toxic?

But then if the soldier were in fact sad...of his own volition, not because someone is telling him how to feel...and said nurse came and told him to cheer up and be happy rather than just sitting with him and being there for him, well... Yeah, that's not good either. Maybe?

How does this relate to social media?

Well as I've said a while back when this thread was active before, I get to control my feed and what I post and it's not anybody's business to tell me what should be on there. That means if I am sad, then if someone has an issue with me always sharing things that they find depressing, they can feel free to regulate their own social media content and hide my posts. If I am a generally happy person, I can just share my little funnies and jokes and vacation photos and if someone has a problem with that, they can also hide my contributions. But no one has any right to tell me not to be such a downer, or that I'm always sharing happy photos and they hate me trying to make my life look so good, like... Why is anybody trying to police what other people share about their lives? If I choose not to share something maybe it's no one's business.

I manage and regulate my own mind, my own moods, and my own online presence. I am not here to try and do that for anyone else, nor does anyone else need to try to do that for me. No one can control other people anyways.
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Old 10-20-2023, 03:45 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,667 posts, read 19,780,164 times
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People who are negative aka complaining on social media are generally drama queens in real life. Do you not have any friends to vent to, do you have to do it to the public? Why, to get attention, need pity from everyone? Red flag for me. I have unfriended/unfollowed all those people, especially the ones with the constant quotes and selfies. I don't want to see that crap.

People who constantly post about how in love they are either freshly in love or extremely unhappy.

People who don't post all day only on rare/special occasions/vacations are my kind of people. Why not post a happy event? People who have a life. Hobbies, family, friends ... They don't need to put their life and what they eat on display for everyone to comment on.

I rarely post. And my friends don't either.
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Old 10-20-2023, 03:55 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
8,423 posts, read 3,680,958 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
People who are negative aka complaining on social media are generally drama queens in real life. Do you not have any friends to vent to, do you have to do it to the public? Why, to get attention, need pity from everyone? Red flag for me. I have unfriended/unfollowed all those people, especially the ones with the constant quotes and selfies. I don't want to see that crap.
While I agree I’m not interested in any of that crap either, why the need to unfriend/unfollow a friend over personal differences re: social media? I just ignore it. That said, why would you be questioning (or care) if a drama queen has friends ‘in real life’ - aren’t you one of those friends (if you were following them and know their drama).
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