Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
2,500,000 members. Thank you!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-23-2023, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Elsewhere
87,884 posts, read 83,677,872 times
Reputation: 114003

Advertisements

God, I understand. I have a similar unwanted house guest, but in my case it's my own brother, and he's unemployed and trying to get disability. He plays video games all the time and moans and groans dramatically about his back pain, which is admittedly real. It just doesn't warrant the attention-getting behavior he indulges in, IMO. I don't care enough to give him the sympathy he craves. At least he cleans up after himself. And he does talk to me, too much, and sometimes I wish he would just shut up. I let him stay for what I thought might be six months or so. That was two years ago.

To your main question, which is the constant state of anger. Yes, I am familiar with that. It's the person I don't want in my home always being here on top of what happened to me in the past two years (illness and death of the person I loved) that is feeding the anger, but it's up to me to manage it.

Sometimes I feel sick from the anger, and I suspect my blood pressure might be being affected. I don't want to let this get to me to the point where I stroke out, so I am making sure I focus on my own health--eating well (it's very easy for me to eat bad things when I am seething with anger) and walking, walking, walking, a couple of miles each day. It does help. So does trying to focus on breathing properly and journaling.

Good luck to both of us. I hope we get our homes back soon.
__________________
Moderator posts are in RED.
City-Data Terms of Service: http://www.city-data.com/terms.html

Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 10-23-2023 at 02:46 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-23-2023, 01:07 PM
Status: "Mistress of finance and foods." (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
49,922 posts, read 63,203,481 times
Reputation: 92317
I’m wondering if you took off his door, threw the video games in the trash, cleaned out his room weekly- throwing out anything except his clothes, and gave his dog to the pound, if he would feel like it’s time to move on?

You have waited way too long to act on this.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2023, 02:18 PM
 
Location: CO/UT/AZ/NM Catch me if you can!
6,926 posts, read 6,879,676 times
Reputation: 16505
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
I’m wondering if you took off his door, threw the video games in the trash, cleaned out his room weekly- throwing out anything except his clothes, and gave his dog to the pound, if he would feel like it’s time to move on?

You have waited way too long to act on this.
LOL! Thank you for making me laugh! But Stanley would probably kidnap my own dog and hold it for ransom by way of retaliation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2023, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Southeast
1,320 posts, read 600,084 times
Reputation: 3918
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post
LOL! Thank you for making me laugh! But Stanley would probably kidnap my own dog and hold it for ransom by way of retaliation.

I'm not sure why this is funny. Your title reads you're afraid your rage is going to kill you, but you are eaten up by guilt over a complete stranger living in your home because you think someone else is going to kill them. Hornswaggle.

It's you vs. them, period. Get them Mod cut. out in any manner possible. If that means you put your dog in a kennel for a few days while you take care of it, then do so. Stanley is a user and will do just fine somewhere else.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 10-24-2023 at 03:46 PM.. Reason: Inappropriate language.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2023, 04:08 PM
 
Location: CO/UT/AZ/NM Catch me if you can!
6,926 posts, read 6,879,676 times
Reputation: 16505
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, I don't quite understand how the housing authority governing your rental situation has allowed this to go on for so long. Maybe its policies are different than housing authorities in other states, but those that I know of do not allow residents to have long-term guests, and especially renters. In any case, you could have used "housing authority rules" as an excuse to evict him earlier on, but at this point it's pretty clear to Stanley that there's no official objection to the arrangement.

Although actually, if the manager knew you're now charging rent, there could be, except you, also, could be evicted for violating the rule against using your voucher to have a renter. Please check the terms of your occupancy, if you haven't already.
Hey there, Ruth! I simplified my OP as much as I could for fear that I might end of writing an entire book. You are correct about the Federal HA rules. The one here would be onto any mistake or error in a heartbeat and kick me out to go live in one of the Anasazi ruins our region is famous for. And that's if I was lucky.

Since you asked, I'll give you a more detailed explanation as to what goes on in HA-Land. At the time I was awarded my voucher from the HA, I just so happened to have a good friend - Jim -who was the Housing Co-ordinater at the local Independence Center. The Indepence Center offers all kinds of assistance for disabled people all across the US. They make a point of only hiring the disabled for their administration because who understands the plight of the disabled better than the disabled themselves.

They realize that they need to be much more flexible about almost everything, including the ways that they administer Housing Vouchers. If all disabled people had to toe the line the way they do at the Federal HA, 90% of us disabled folk would lose both our vouchers and a place to live. Jim knew what might li lay in store for me all to well, so he called me up to let me know that he had "portaged" my Voucher away from the clutches of the Feds and over to the safe harbor of the Independence Center.

They have more than enough rules even at the Independence Center and Jim was quick to make sure that I always toed the line. I'm breaking no rules. I actually live in a state of semi- terror because maybe I had forgotten or lost something important. With me, who knows?

I think the reason for confusion is that we are dealing with two different agencies here and two very different sets of rules. It's the old "apples versus oranges" thing. There's no comparing them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2023, 04:19 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,036 posts, read 106,737,993 times
Reputation: 115757
Quote:
Originally Posted by john3232 View Post
The OP needs to get rid of this person now.
She needs to do that in a way that won't cause her to lose her housing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2023, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Kansas
25,506 posts, read 21,696,388 times
Reputation: 26081
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, I don't quite understand how the housing authority governing your rental situation has allowed this to go on for so long. Maybe its policies are different than housing authorities in other states, but those that I know of do not allow residents to have long-term guests, and especially renters. In any case, you could have used "housing authority rules" as an excuse to evict him earlier on, but at this point it's pretty clear to Stanley that there's no official objection to the arrangement.

Although actually, if the manager knew you're now charging rent, there could be, except you, also, could be evicted for violating the rule against using your voucher to have a renter. Please check the terms of your occupancy, if you haven't already.
Yes, it could get sticky. Later OP says a friend has taken care of the situation for him, but if others were to complain, wanting the same "care", I am not sure what could happen. Also, the rent money is income that should be reported, as income comes into play when deciding the rental amount, or so I believe. Pot smoking? Yeah, I wonder about that, unless it is allowed by the lease, maybe it is legal in the state, but still could get someone evicted.

I would ask my friend, the manager, to help me rid myself of this leech explaining that I was at a breaking point.

I wouldn't call this "compassion", as that doesn't mean putting a deadbeats life above one's own. Naive? Possibly. Being taken advantage of? Definitely!

Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan View Post
I agree. I'm confident Ol' Stanley will land on his feet.

OP, ask yourself - who is more important? Me or him? And your answer better be "Me" - no if, ands, or buts. You are more important than he is - and there should be no guilt about coming to that decision.

You are compromising your own mental and physical health for this person. You are putting this person above your own needs and it needs to stop before it's too late. You've gotta take care of yourself and Stanley needs to take care of himself.


But since he has lived there for so long and is paying rent, you'll need to follow your local landlord/tenant laws for getting him out. You'll have to give him written notice to vacate in the timeline required by your local laws and if he doesn't, you'll have to formally go through the eviction process.

My guess is that Stanley knows the system and will use it to his advantage. Do your homework and start working on getting him out of your home.

You deserve better, OP.
On target! The most important person to one's self should be one's self, well, sometimes in the case of one's younger children, not, but for adults, yes.

Maybe there is a co-dependent thing going on, as that is the only thing I can come up with.

Stanley needs to see the therapist! Stanley appears to be a man-child, and the OP an enabler.

OP: Cut him loose, asking the manager to help you get it done. Despite what you believe, there may be a point where you are on the street yourself, and old Stanley finds a new enabler.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
You need to get a lawyer who understands tenancy laws, and get this guy out. It might be hard because you don't sound like you have a lease or other signed agreement, but Stanley is not your family, and he's not your responsibility. He's ruining your life, and you don't need to feel guilty for advocating for yourself.
OP doesn't really seem to want him to get out, or the manager could have been enlisted at any point to get it done.

OP is a victim of Stanley at this point. OP must enlist the help of the manager. Seeing a therapist? I wouldn't take medication to deal with an a-hole that wouldn't move out of the apartment, but I suspect that is a possibility these days.

KICK HIM OUT WITH THE HELP OF THE MANAGER. He'll find another enabler, they always do. Choices, we all have them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2023, 04:33 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,036 posts, read 106,737,993 times
Reputation: 115757
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post
Hey there, Ruth! I simplified my OP as much as I could for fear that I might end of writing an entire book. You are correct about the Federal HA rules. The one here would be onto any mistake or error in a heartbeat and kick me out to go live in one of the Anasazi ruins our region is famous for. And that's if I was lucky.

Since you asked, I'll give you a more detailed explanation as to what goes on in HA-Land. At the time I was awarded my voucher from the HA, I just so happened to have a good friend - Jim -who was the Housing Co-ordinater at the local Independence Center. The Indepence Center offers all kinds of assistance for disabled people all across the US. They make a point of only hiring the disabled for their administration because who understands the plight of the disabled better than the disabled themselves.

They realize that they need to be much more flexible about almost everything, including the ways that they administer Housing Vouchers. If all disabled people had to toe the line the way they do at the Federal HA, 90% of us disabled folk would lose both our vouchers and a place to live. Jim knew what might li lay in store for me all to well, so he called me up to let me know that he had "portaged" my Voucher away from the clutches of the Feds and over to the safe harbor of the Independence Center.

They have more than enough rules even at the Independence Center and Jim was quick to make sure that I always toed the line. I'm breaking no rules. I actually live in a state of semi- terror because maybe I had forgotten or lost something important. With me, who knows?

I think the reason for confusion is that we are dealing with two different agencies here and two very different sets of rules. It's the old "apples versus oranges" thing. There's no comparing them.
You're lucky; it sounds like you have looser supervision than the usual voucher tenant. Because the voucher programs weren't designed with the idea in mind, that any tenants, disabled or otherwise, take advantage of taxpayer largess to use their subsidized housing to become landlords. Do you have a male relative, or an intimidating-looking male acquaintance you could ask to tell Stanley it's time to go, and that your bouncer will be checking back for progress reports? You're in a very vulnerable position if Stanley decides to take out his resentment on you in some way.


Also, if you give Stanley the usual 1-month written notice required by rental laws, that's a document he could use against you, to show the housing authority you've been using your voucher to run a boarding facility. I agree that you need a lawyer's perspective over the whole thing and any potential eviction scenarios, but any lawyer, I think, would be surprised and concerned that the issue is unfolding in the context of subsidized housing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2023, 05:16 PM
 
Location: on the wind
22,743 posts, read 18,032,953 times
Reputation: 73779
It might help to realize that some of your rage is rage at yourself for allowing yourself to be suckered. If/when you actually take steps to boot the mooch that may ease up a bit. Baby steps, right?

Last edited by Parnassia; 10-23-2023 at 05:56 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2023, 05:19 PM
Status: "Mistress of finance and foods." (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
49,922 posts, read 63,203,481 times
Reputation: 92317
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post
Hey there, Ruth! I simplified my OP as much as I could for fear that I might end of writing an entire book. You are correct about the Federal HA rules. The one here would be onto any mistake or error in a heartbeat and kick me out to go live in one of the Anasazi ruins our region is famous for. And that's if I was lucky.

Since you asked, I'll give you a more detailed explanation as to what goes on in HA-Land. At the time I was awarded my voucher from the HA, I just so happened to have a good friend - Jim -who was the Housing Co-ordinater at the local Independence Center. The Indepence Center offers all kinds of assistance for disabled people all across the US. They make a point of only hiring the disabled for their administration because who understands the plight of the disabled better than the disabled themselves.

They realize that they need to be much more flexible about almost everything, including the ways that they administer Housing Vouchers. If all disabled people had to toe the line the way they do at the Federal HA, 90% of us disabled folk would lose both our vouchers and a place to live. Jim knew what might li lay in store for me all to well, so he called me up to let me know that he had "portaged" my Voucher away from the clutches of the Feds and over to the safe harbor of the Independence Center.

They have more than enough rules even at the Independence Center and Jim was quick to make sure that I always toed the line. I'm breaking no rules. I actually live in a state of semi- terror because maybe I had forgotten or lost something important. With me, who knows?

I think the reason for confusion is that we are dealing with two different agencies here and two very different sets of rules. It's the old "apples versus oranges" thing. There's no comparing them.
I know I might be over simplifying. You have put yourself into a box. There is a whole wide world out here with a wealth of other opportunities you could take advantage of, if you were brave enough.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:09 AM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top