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Old 10-24-2023, 03:41 PM
 
1,028 posts, read 435,943 times
Reputation: 2272

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OP: His destiny is not your responsibility. If he does not do well once he is out and left to his own devices, that is his karma, not yours.

I would give him a deadline to get out. Formally start the eviction process. Look up laws in your city. Some say to get the proper form (easily found online), fill it out, and post it on his door.

Tell him you are sorry, but you've had enough and he must leave. Nothing more needs to be said to validate why you want him out.

Take control of your life - don't be a victim.

Try EFT for the anger (see YouTube).
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Old 10-24-2023, 07:24 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,057 posts, read 106,854,652 times
Reputation: 115806
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse View Post
Yes, it could get sticky. Later OP says a friend has taken care of the situation for him, but if others were to complain, wanting the same "care", I am not sure what could happen. Also, the rent money is income that should be reported, as income comes into play when deciding the rental amount, or so I believe. Pot smoking? Yeah, I wonder about that, unless it is allowed by the lease, maybe it is legal in the state, but still could get someone evicted.

I would ask my friend, the manager, to help me rid myself of this leech explaining that I was at a breaking point.



KICK HIM OUT WITH THE HELP OF THE MANAGER. He'll find another enabler, they always do. Choices, we all have them.
I see what you're saying. That's a good idea. The manager/friend who arranged for the OP's status to be shifted to a more lenient category. That could work. He could come up with any kind of story, like "change in rules", or simply "we can't allow this any more, a new admin is playing tough with the rules", or anything of that nature.

Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 10-24-2023 at 07:49 PM..
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Old 10-25-2023, 10:20 AM
 
Location: 89052 & 75206
8,097 posts, read 8,225,029 times
Reputation: 19885
Can you find a new place to live and move out? Of course, alone.
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Old 10-25-2023, 10:46 AM
 
6,277 posts, read 4,138,067 times
Reputation: 24726
You are allowing guilt to ruin common sense, your health, and in essence you are enabling a sponger and user who is abusing your kindness.

There are ways to deal with this without guilt, the first is accepting Stanley is abusing you, that he is responsible for HIMSELF.

Others have given you excellent advice on checking tenancy laws ,agreements etc and follow legal protocols. As for the guilt factor I’d suggest getting brochures , info from local agencies that can provide emergency relief to Stanley and give the info to him. Then he has no excuse to blame you if he chooses not to use those avenues ( we know he won’t because he can’t manipulate them ).

So sorry, it’s horrible when someone abused your kindness and compassion. Please come back and vent and let us know how it goes.
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Old 10-25-2023, 12:08 PM
 
2,234 posts, read 1,631,144 times
Reputation: 9203
Is your friend Jim still at the agency and available to explain this situation?

I think that might be your first step as he know the rules and regulations which might be used to get rid of your moocher. You absolutely should not keep him in your home.
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Old 10-25-2023, 01:29 PM
 
Location: Ruston, Louisiana
1,948 posts, read 967,904 times
Reputation: 4501
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post
Hi, everybody! I really need some feedback and any advice that you can give would be deeply appreciated. Some background:

I met "Stanley" when I was still living in town and he moved into the apartment next door. He was and is extremely reticent and I never would have gotten to know him but for the fact that we each owned a dog, and our dogs loved to play together so we had an informal arrangement where we would let our dogs out at the same time and one of us or both would keep a casual eye on them in case their roughhousing got a little too heavy for their own good. End of story. Stanley and I were casual acquaintances - nothing more.

Eventually, I found a nice place out in the country where my dog could run and I could have a garden. I only ran into Stanley when we both showed up at the same time at the local grocery store. We'd exchange a few pleasantries then go our separate ways. One day I was shoving my cart through the cleaning supplies when I saw Stanley headed my way with actual tears in his eyes. He told me that he had lost his job and run through all his savings and was being evicted out onto the street in the middle of winter because he no longer could pay his rent.

I was horrified. IRL I tend to be a very compassionate person - too compassionate I now think. It just so happened that I had a spare room which was used only by my cat when she wanted to sunbathe in one of the windows. I figured Kitty could learn to share, so I offered Stanley to come stay at my place where he could crash for a while until he found another job and would be able to rent his own place. Needless to say, he jumped at my offer and him and his dog moved in right away.

At that point Stanley's only income was about $200.00/mo in food stamps. I have a very frustrating disability which prevents me from working, but thanks to the kindness of the American people, I am able to live on my social security and a housing voucher. At that point my income was only $800.00/mo and that housing voucher was like a lifeline. I thank every single American taxpayer for helping to keep me off the streets!

Anyhow, I got permission from the local housing authority to have a temporary housemate and Stanley made himself quite at home in my spare room. Meanwhile, other than food, I was covering the living expenses for two adults, two large dogs and one small cat. Weeks turned into months where Stanley only emerged from his room to grab a soda or a snack. The rest of the time Stanley holed himself up and played computer games, watched TV, and frolicked around on the Internet.

I quickly learned that Stanley avoids any and all communication with actual human beings. He can't meet my eyes when I try to talk to him and will only mutter a few unintelligible words into his beard before he bolts back to the safety of his room, shutting the door firmly behind him.

To my sorrow, I also learned that Stanley is perfectly happy to act like a child and throw the weight of his continued existence on anyone who is foolish enough to feel sorry for him. I became very desperate and I hated that I was now forced to call upon various social agencies for extra help. It was humiliating to have to go to local charities like the county pet rescue group and ask for food for the dogs and the cat. They asked why did I get pets that I couldn't afford to feed. Great question! Well, you see I used to be able to feed them just fine but then...

You might think that all else being equal, Stanley would be glad to pitch in and share a few housekeeping chores. Nope. Nada. Nothing. If I didn't do it, then it never got done. I absolutely refuse to clean Stanley's room. He gets to go YOYO on that one. As a result, Stanley's room reminds me of a hell hole. If I have to go in there for some reason, the smell of human sweat, dog "accidents" and a skunk cloud of pot smoke (did I mention that Stanley's other hobby is smoking roughly an acre or two of pot every day?) nearly knocks me off my feet. I have literally begged Stanley to give me a hand with keeping the bathroom clean and not allow the kitchen to become so dirty that the mice and the cockroaches literally dance across the counters.

When I tried to bring up issues like living expenses and keeping the house clean if only in the most minimalist of manners, Stanley looks at me with complete incomprehension and bolts yet again. I am almost ashamed to admit that I allowed this situation to go on for five long years. Stanley now actually has a job of sorts which I was the one who found for him. So, he can now at least pay for his half of expenses but with the greatest of bitterness and resentment. I have to carefully count out the money he gives me, otherwise he'll short change me every single time.

I can hear all the cries of "Kick the bum out!" as I type these words. At first I let him stay on because the rent money he is finally paying me has allowed me to recoup some of the financial losses that I incurred, and I simply won't be able to live with myself if I put him out on the street where he would surely die because that man obviously is suffering from some sort of mental illness. The other homeless people around here would make mincemeat of him in no time flat.

I have done my best, but I now feel angry all of the time. I feel like my spirit has become eroded and I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Kick him out and deal with that guilt to the end of my days because Stanley had to go out on the streets and very likely gets killed - all thanks to me? Or allow him to stay and resign myself to running his very own mental asylum for him?

My blood pressure which is normally low has gone through the roof. I go through days of not eating anything at all because I have no appetite at all even after two or three days of no food. I hate myself that I have become so filled with rage that I no longer recognize the woman I see in my own mirror. And there's much more but this post is far too long already.

I have finally reached the breaking point and I made an appointment to see a therapist through the local mental health outfit. But they are understaffed and I have to wait for six long weeks until I can get my first session. I don't know if I have it in me to last for six long weeks more. My animals are my only consolation. They do their very best, but I don't think they like Stanley much either.

Please, can anyone help me out with some suggestions for coping techniques until I get to talk with someone who is not a cat or a dog? Apologies and gratitude for anyone who has read this long old post to the end.
Al-anon is perfectly free. They teach victims of abuse and neglect (not necessarily from drug addicts or alcoholics, but from your own kids to others , such as your roommate). You are a very kind and giving person, but sometimes this wonderful trait can get you into some trouble, such as what you're dealing with now.

Seeking therapy is good, a therapist can do the same thing, but Al-anon meets several times a week, and that could be beneficial to you at this point.

Anytime you do for another person what they can do for themselves is called "enabling" them. You are enabling this man to cause you much grief in your haven, your very own home. You should have nothing but peace in your home.

He is disrespectful by not cleaning up after himself or his pet. That right there is grounds for eviction. If this man is causing you to have bugs and rodents in your home, he needs to go. The man is not a good friend, he is freeloading on you. He smokes pot in your home, you may or may not like that, I would not. My boyfriend smokes pot occasionally but he would never think of bringing it inside my house because that is disrespectful to me. I have grandkids that come over and I just don't allow that.

There is nothing wrong with you telling him he has a reasonable amount of time to find another place. You don't owe him any arguable reasons, just that you feel the arrangement is not working for you and that's that. You have 30 days to find another place and move out. If you aren't out by 30 days, I will have the cops handle it. NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO GO TO THE SANCTITIY OF YOUR ROOM.

Stick to your guns. This needs to UNhappen. He needs to go. Your health is at stake and he just doesn't care about anything but him and his weed. You are not doing him any favors by allowing this. You will actually be doing him a bif favor but you should explain (you don't have to) but you should tell him the true reasons so that he can use that information as he moves forward in his life.

Good luck to you. I'm sorry someone like you was taken advantage of. Nip it in the bud and hold your head up high.
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Old 10-25-2023, 04:41 PM
 
7,980 posts, read 5,328,586 times
Reputation: 35510
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post

I have done my best, but I now feel angry all of the time. I feel like my spirit has become eroded and I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
You have to make a decision. Your life or Stanley's life.
Stanley is not your responsibility.
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Old 10-26-2023, 08:25 AM
Status: "A solution in search of a problem" (set 9 days ago)
 
Location: New York Area
34,415 posts, read 16,510,164 times
Reputation: 29590
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post
Anyhow, I got permission from the local housing authority to have a temporary housemate and Stanley made himself quite at home in my spare room. Meanwhile, other than food, I was covering the living expenses for two adults, two large dogs and one small cat. Weeks turned into months where Stanley only emerged from his room to grab a soda or a snack. The rest of the time Stanley holed himself up and played computer games, watched TV, and frolicked around on the Internet.
*****************
I can hear all the cries of "Kick the bum out!" as I type these words. At first I let him stay on because the rent money he is finally paying me has allowed me to recoup some of the financial losses that I incurred, and I simply won't be able to live with myself if I put him out on the street where he would surely die because that man obviously is suffering from some sort of mental illness. The other homeless people around here would make mincemeat of him in no time flat.****************
Please, can anyone help me out with some suggestions for coping techniques until I get to talk with someone who is not a cat or a dog? Apologies and gratitude for anyone who has read this long old post to the end.
I hate to say it but sometimes "tough love" is even needed for biological children. I think the place to start may be with the local housing authority timing out the "temporary" roommate allowance. Trust me, he'll find a job when he has to. My uncle took in a nephew in 1973 and had to basically kick him out. It did not end well.

You have worked for what you have. Just my $0.02.
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Old 10-29-2023, 10:36 AM
 
19,364 posts, read 12,014,526 times
Reputation: 26095
Just remember you were able to deal with Stanley's presence for five years. Please do everything you can right now to self comfort, six weeks isn't that long, take a deep breath and take care of yourself. Keep posting here if it helps, do whatever you need to do for your well being. Hopefully you get a good therapist who can guide you well through this process. Either way you will have to remove Stanley for your own survival, but you need support.
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Old 10-30-2023, 12:52 PM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA, now.
21,020 posts, read 19,193,098 times
Reputation: 23648
CoRambler - you haven't been here in a week. I hope all is ok.
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