Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
2,500,000 members. Thank you!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-02-2023, 09:27 AM
 
Location: NMB, SC
41,476 posts, read 17,042,922 times
Reputation: 34038

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post

I can hear all the cries of "Kick the bum out!" as I type these words. At first I let him stay on because the rent money he is finally paying me has allowed me to recoup some of the financial losses that I incurred, and I simply won't be able to live with myself if I put him out on the street where he would surely die because that man obviously is suffering from some sort of mental illness. The other homeless people around here would make mincemeat of him in no time flat.
Well if kicking him out is not an option then maybe get yourself a job that gets you out of the house most of the day and brings in some money since you now have a household of two.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-02-2023, 02:59 PM
 
Location: Ruston, Louisiana
1,923 posts, read 957,354 times
Reputation: 4390
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post
Hi, everybody! I really need some feedback and any advice that you can give would be deeply appreciated. Some background:

I met "Stanley" when I was still living in town and he moved into the apartment next door. He was and is extremely reticent and I never would have gotten to know him but for the fact that we each owned a dog, and our dogs loved to play together so we had an informal arrangement where we would let our dogs out at the same time and one of us or both would keep a casual eye on them in case their roughhousing got a little too heavy for their own good. End of story. Stanley and I were casual acquaintances - nothing more.

Eventually, I found a nice place out in the country where my dog could run and I could have a garden. I only ran into Stanley when we both showed up at the same time at the local grocery store. We'd exchange a few pleasantries then go our separate ways. One day I was shoving my cart through the cleaning supplies when I saw Stanley headed my way with actual tears in his eyes. He told me that he had lost his job and run through all his savings and was being evicted out onto the street in the middle of winter because he no longer could pay his rent.

I was horrified. IRL I tend to be a very compassionate person - too compassionate I now think. It just so happened that I had a spare room which was used only by my cat when she wanted to sunbathe in one of the windows. I figured Kitty could learn to share, so I offered Stanley to come stay at my place where he could crash for a while until he found another job and would be able to rent his own place. Needless to say, he jumped at my offer and him and his dog moved in right away.

At that point Stanley's only income was about $200.00/mo in food stamps. I have a very frustrating disability which prevents me from working, but thanks to the kindness of the American people, I am able to live on my social security and a housing voucher. At that point my income was only $800.00/mo and that housing voucher was like a lifeline. I thank every single American taxpayer for helping to keep me off the streets!

Anyhow, I got permission from the local housing authority to have a temporary housemate and Stanley made himself quite at home in my spare room. Meanwhile, other than food, I was covering the living expenses for two adults, two large dogs and one small cat. Weeks turned into months where Stanley only emerged from his room to grab a soda or a snack. The rest of the time Stanley holed himself up and played computer games, watched TV, and frolicked around on the Internet.

I quickly learned that Stanley avoids any and all communication with actual human beings. He can't meet my eyes when I try to talk to him and will only mutter a few unintelligible words into his beard before he bolts back to the safety of his room, shutting the door firmly behind him.

To my sorrow, I also learned that Stanley is perfectly happy to act like a child and throw the weight of his continued existence on anyone who is foolish enough to feel sorry for him. I became very desperate and I hated that I was now forced to call upon various social agencies for extra help. It was humiliating to have to go to local charities like the county pet rescue group and ask for food for the dogs and the cat. They asked why did I get pets that I couldn't afford to feed. Great question! Well, you see I used to be able to feed them just fine but then...

You might think that all else being equal, Stanley would be glad to pitch in and share a few housekeeping chores. Nope. Nada. Nothing. If I didn't do it, then it never got done. I absolutely refuse to clean Stanley's room. He gets to go YOYO on that one. As a result, Stanley's room reminds me of a hell hole. If I have to go in there for some reason, the smell of human sweat, dog "accidents" and a skunk cloud of pot smoke (did I mention that Stanley's other hobby is smoking roughly an acre or two of pot every day?) nearly knocks me off my feet. I have literally begged Stanley to give me a hand with keeping the bathroom clean and not allow the kitchen to become so dirty that the mice and the cockroaches literally dance across the counters.

When I tried to bring up issues like living expenses and keeping the house clean if only in the most minimalist of manners, Stanley looks at me with complete incomprehension and bolts yet again. I am almost ashamed to admit that I allowed this situation to go on for five long years. Stanley now actually has a job of sorts which I was the one who found for him. So, he can now at least pay for his half of expenses but with the greatest of bitterness and resentment. I have to carefully count out the money he gives me, otherwise he'll short change me every single time.

I can hear all the cries of "Kick the bum out!" as I type these words. At first I let him stay on because the rent money he is finally paying me has allowed me to recoup some of the financial losses that I incurred, and I simply won't be able to live with myself if I put him out on the street where he would surely die because that man obviously is suffering from some sort of mental illness. The other homeless people around here would make mincemeat of him in no time flat.

I have done my best, but I now feel angry all of the time. I feel like my spirit has become eroded and I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Kick him out and deal with that guilt to the end of my days because Stanley had to go out on the streets and very likely gets killed - all thanks to me? Or allow him to stay and resign myself to running his very own mental asylum for him?

My blood pressure which is normally low has gone through the roof. I go through days of not eating anything at all because I have no appetite at all even after two or three days of no food. I hate myself that I have become so filled with rage that I no longer recognize the woman I see in my own mirror. And there's much more but this post is far too long already.

I have finally reached the breaking point and I made an appointment to see a therapist through the local mental health outfit. But they are understaffed and I have to wait for six long weeks until I can get my first session. I don't know if I have it in me to last for six long weeks more. My animals are my only consolation. They do their very best, but I don't think they like Stanley much either.

Please, can anyone help me out with some suggestions for coping techniques until I get to talk with someone who is not a cat or a dog? Apologies and gratitude for anyone who has read this long old post to the end.

After reading this post, the replies and the replies back, it would be my opinion that the OP is making excuses for allowing the guy to stay. She is codependent with him and in a very unhealthy relationship. She can't ask him to leave, she can't leave herself, she can't kick him out, she can't really talk to him about anything (nothing ever changes) so HE sits in the driver's seat of HER life. She allows it. This is on HER not him. Of course I do understand the empathy she feels for his situation, and he seems like a really lame jerk. But it all doesn't matter if she allows it. She has every right, every tool, every resource, every opportunity to remove this man from her life but she doesn't. She is miserable but can't seem to free herself. She doesn't realize that her quality of life could be so much better without him and the burdens he puts on her. She doesn't want to be alone. She wants him there, in her brain and in her everyday routine, but she loathes him. Classic enabler. She needs psychoanalysis, therapy and the WILL to learn why she is allowing this behavior. She can so simply just move over, get in the driver's seat, and steer her life where SHE wants it to go. Her life is controlling her. Thus, she is out of control of her own life, she suffers from abandonment issues among other things, and she just goes round and round and round. Nothing changes. Nothing will ever change until SHE makes up her mind that she wants more from her life than what SHE is settling for.

The sad thing about this to me is that she is not alone in this type of situation. Al-anon is full of people going through the exact same thing. They learn to put boundaries in place so that other people's problems don't become theirs. They learn to take care of themselves first, otherwise they are no good to anyone. There is no reason for shame by admitting you have some issues you need to work through. Everyone has issues, everyone. Some are more pronounced than others, some are suppressed because of pain, some are not even noticeable to other people. I've done it before, walked in a shrink's office, sat down and said "I'm seeing some unhealthy behavioral patterns in my life and I want to change it." Therapy is wonderful, you can learn so much about yourself that you never even knew. And once you understand why you are the way you are, then you can take steps to change. A whole new world waits for the OP and others like her (and once) like me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-02-2023, 03:46 PM
 
Location: Midwest
9,152 posts, read 10,922,656 times
Reputation: 17326
Yes on the lawyer. That is $$$.

You've already been to the community mental health center. Stanley is the one who needs help. It may take a court order but so be it. The guy does not sound normal, and with 20/20 hindsight you should have hired a PI to do a background check on him. Or at least checked in with the local PD and see if he had criminal charges.

Now you're stuck, I'd think the best route would be a mandatory mental health evaluation and a hearing before a mental health court.

Good luck, this is a fine mess. Never again!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2023, 03:22 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,354 posts, read 24,285,229 times
Reputation: 17330
Maybe you could downsize to a one-bedroom apartment?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2023, 03:42 PM
 
Location: california
7,289 posts, read 6,843,869 times
Reputation: 9198
I have moved into in a truck and camper, there is no room for 2 people to live in it full time.
As tempting as it is to want some relationship I can't afford it any way.
Like living in a tiny house I can't invite others in.
I meet plenty of folk going to town and having those kind of friendships but this keeps me free.
Unfortunately in this world people can spot the weak of the herd and exploit it to their advantage.
Though I get a little lonely the sanity is I am making my own decisions and not being manipulated by any one.
God (Jesus Christ) is my best friend and helps me through tough times. Wisdom comes from this relationship and prayer and reading the Bible looking to God for His interpretations. I don't need/want the advise of men. they are lost.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-07-2023, 03:21 PM
 
Location: minnesota
15,787 posts, read 6,173,248 times
Reputation: 5028
Just had someone try to suck me in. They got me for 8 days when I finally dropped them off at a hospital. I was being used and is all I ended up doing was enabling their dysfunctional behavior.

That rage is the part of you that loves you and is trying to protect you. You have an obligation foremost to yourself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-08-2023, 12:57 PM
 
Location: In your head
1,014 posts, read 507,862 times
Reputation: 1479
Care less.

I know it sounds like a cop-out answer, but I think it's worth implementing as a strategy.

Like you, I have worked myself into quite the tizzy over lots of things that I don't agree with, that work against me, and are out of my control. To the point, at times, where if I work myself up enough, it feels like I will pass out. I started having panic attacks and any small thing could trigger them.

So, I began having conversations with myself. Whenever I started going now these negative paths and feeling my blood pressure rise, I started an internal dialogue with myself to block out those thoughts. I just sort of started blocking them out. When I started out, I was in pretty bad shape after having some pretty serious emotional meltdowns. My vagus nerve, which carries signals between your brain, heart and digestive system, was completely rattled. It felt like my body was constantly vibrating within. My stomach was in constant pain from acid reflux.

However, over a two week period of practicing the above strategy, my mind and body started to calm down. My sleep got better, my digestion got better, and I started feeling like myself again. Last night I went for a run, and for a first time in awhile, I felt strong and energized from it. That was absolutely not the case when I was in full-on distress mode. In prior weeks, I'd have had to stop multiple times to catch my breath and regain my energy. The trick was that I actively stopped caring as much, especially about those things that I had no control over.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-08-2023, 02:17 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
38,935 posts, read 27,258,132 times
Reputation: 15892
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post

Please, can anyone help me out with some suggestions for coping techniques until I get to talk with someone who is not a cat or a dog? Apologies and gratitude for anyone who has read this long old post to the end.
I think you should get the book called "codependent no more" by Melody Bettie, you probably won't even need a therapist after reading this book. The used one only costs about 5 bucks on ebay.

Melody Beattie’s compassionate and insightful look into codependency—the concept of losing oneself in the name of helping another— has helped millions of readers understand that they are powerless to change anyone but themselves and that caring for the self is where healing begins.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/...endent-no-more

You would feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Not trying to take responsibility for everybody else is freeing.

You and I were in the same boat. My fiance and I offered a person to live with us because this person "lost his job". Long story short, after three years, this person still lives with us and he STILL has no job. My fiance and I both felt miserable at times, but last month, we finally decided to have a talk with him. As soon as we decided "his problem is not our problem", we felt we finally got our life back.

We are still the compassionate good people, we are just now people who know how to say no. Basically, we just told him, "Please start paying us rent, and if you don't, then you have to move out." Saying this without guilt is liberating. Actually, saying no to people without guilt is extremely healthy and healing.


I wish you luck.

Oh by the way, the first advice my therapist gave me is, "you must take yourself out of the toxic situation, learn to disengaging. Don't try to understand other people's situation, just do things to make yourself happy " I think this is the best advice I have ever received.

Your roommate is not your problem. You can't save him by killing yourself. Even if you kick him out, rest assured you have done your best. Don't blame yourself.

Last edited by lilyflower3191981; 11-08-2023 at 02:42 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-08-2023, 06:26 PM
 
Location: Germany
716 posts, read 417,380 times
Reputation: 1884
First of all, that was really nice of you to take him in. Not many people would do that. Don't let this setback change your mindset over kindness - but let it change your mindset on being a doormat.
Being kind and letting people walk over you is not the same and you need to start taking steps into becoming more firm with your boundaries.

Sit him down tell him you have to talk to him about the "living situation" seriously and if he doesn't listen, just tell him the truth. You're tired and you don't want to have him around any more.

This is NOT heartless of you. You can suggest to him some place that he can go if you feel obliged somehow, but set a time limit and keep your word. If you feel uncomfortable or are afraid to kick him out, talk to the authorities.

I'll be honest, you let this go very far, but this is a lesson worth taking.


As for the being angry part, you have to let go. You made a decision and it backfired even though it was out of the goodness of your heart! You had your bad consequences but enough is enough.

Gather your courage and you can do it. And don't be harsh on yourself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-08-2023, 06:58 PM
 
1,018 posts, read 422,221 times
Reputation: 2243
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
I think you should get the book called "codependent no more" by Melody Bettie, you probably won't even need a therapist after reading this book. The used one only costs about 5 bucks on ebay.

Melody Beattie’s compassionate and insightful look into codependency—the concept of losing oneself in the name of helping another— has helped millions of readers understand that they are powerless to change anyone but themselves and that caring for the self is where healing begins.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/...endent-no-more

You would feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Not trying to take responsibility for everybody else is freeing.

You and I were in the same boat. My fiance and I offered a person to live with us because this person "lost his job". Long story short, after three years, this person still lives with us and he STILL has no job. My fiance and I both felt miserable at times, but last month, we finally decided to have a talk with him. As soon as we decided "his problem is not our problem", we felt we finally got our life back.

We are still the compassionate good people, we are just now people who know how to say no. Basically, we just told him, "Please start paying us rent, and if you don't, then you have to move out." Saying this without guilt is liberating. Actually, saying no to people without guilt is extremely healthy and healing.


I wish you luck.

Oh by the way, the first advice my therapist gave me is, "you must take yourself out of the toxic situation, learn to disengaging. Don't try to understand other people's situation, just do things to make yourself happy " I think this is the best advice I have ever received.

Your roommate is not your problem. You can't save him by killing yourself. Even if you kick him out, rest assured you have done your best. Don't blame yourself.
I hate that book, but many people swear by it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top