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Old 11-13-2023, 08:12 AM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,840 posts, read 30,069,778 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
you are controlling... to an extent.

"A controlling person's insecurities can lead her to seek structure and boundaries, to make her feel safer."... that's something I once read.

Which ties right in to your statement:


Now that you recognize it, what will you do about it?


As an aside... Why can't you stir a sauce with meatballs in it? I always do!
I make my meatballs very moist, and sometimes they fall apart in the sauce when you stir, I put them in at the end, before serving only to heat through and through without stirring?

Yes, I do believe I am controlling, to an extent, but hey it's my house and they are guests....when I go to their home, she doesn't want anyone hanging around in the kitchen when she is cooking either....and she never allows me to help her clean up, and I respect that...honestly...it's her home, I certainly don't want to make her uncomfortable....

and yes, I was very insecure as a young person....and believe boundaries are necessary with any relationship....

I'll try even harder....and do the very best I can...not to be when they are here....but I do so enjoy them and my DIL, she is so funny, and fun to be around, so I'll continue to try....

I don't know if you'll understand this, but it's just so second nature for me to respond, in a negative way...it just comes out...my intent isn't to hurt anyone's feelings, or control anyone, I just need people lol, to stay out of my kitchen when I'm cooking? It really makes me nervous, and I love my DIL to the moon, sometimes she over steps, like she'll come into the kitchen and open the frig and say, "Whats for dinner?" Or she will ask me about finances, and I tell her, right out, I believe that's no one's business unless I offer information....(not in a nasty way) or she will take something I do well, and turn it into a negative, all the time....but I understand why, and ignore it most of the time....she is a love, and has very many good points about her....
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Old 11-13-2023, 08:25 AM
 
1,825 posts, read 843,425 times
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Maybe chronic anxiety triggers your controlling negative behaviors.
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Old 11-13-2023, 08:28 AM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,236 posts, read 47,157,925 times
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I don't like anyone in my kitchen either!
It doesn't make me nervous as it does you... it's just that I can get things done quicker with no one in the way.
When people want to help after a meal, I tell them to stack the dirty dishes anywhere and I will Tetris my own dishwasher. They laugh and understand that!

I am happy, actually, when people go in my fridge, especially to help themselves. That way, I am not waiting on them. I don't see that as overstepping at all. My kids and their friends did that all the time decades ago

I like things a certain way also, but I have loosened up in my old age. And I know that I can straighten things up after they leave.
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Old 11-13-2023, 08:42 AM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,840 posts, read 30,069,778 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
I don't like anyone in my kitchen either!
It doesn't make me nervous as it does you... it's just that I can get things done quicker with no one in the way.
When people want to help after a meal, I tell them to stack the dirty dishes anywhere and I will Tetris my own dishwasher. They laugh and understand that!

I am happy, actually, when people go in my fridge, especially to help themselves. That way, I am not waiting on them. I don't see that as overstepping at all. My kids and their friends did that all the time decades ago

I like things a certain way also, but I have loosened up in my old age. And I know that I can straighten things up after they leave.
Good advice, thank you.....I'm just so darned used to doing things a certain way, and to deviate from that gives me anxiety...now when I think about it, my foster mom was the same way....

I just don't want a lot of food particles in my dishwasher? LOL....but I will try it your way....my DIL said once, "What's the matter, are you afraid I won't do it right?" She and I are very much alike in so many ways...very strong characters...but we do get along very well, I just hate it if I hurt her feelings....so I will try harder.

No, when they would first come in while I was still cooking, they would all come into the kitchen, and she would open the frige and say what's for dessert....and I'd shoo them out...ask them to go in the living room and sit down...and before we eat, I always ask them to please come out and get what they want to drink....and they do....
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Old 11-13-2023, 09:52 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,627 posts, read 34,082,392 times
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If they came to visit you, they don't want to sit on their butts in the other room while you're hustling in the kitchen. If you don't want them to help, is there space in the kitchen where they could sit and have a glass of wine while you're cooking? Or can you give them something to do to feel helpful, like setting the table, or putting out the cheese and crackers, or putting dirty dishes in the sink. Everyone has their own way of doing things, but if them folding a dishtowel wrong gives you that much anxiety, that's something to discuss with your therapist.
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Old 11-13-2023, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,267 posts, read 34,383,908 times
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Well, whatever you want to call, you are not making guests or children feel welcomed.

It's better to realize that it is better to have people enjoy visiting you than say.... unbroken meatballs.

Before you say something, take time to think "does this REALLY matter?".

I am similar to you, though not as bad. Neatness and order makes my brain relax, and disorder makes my brain feel disordered. But I try very hard not to impose that on guests, the company is more important than having disorder for a few hours.

During xmas we will 7 guests and 6 additional dogs stay anywhere from 7 to 4 days.

I just let the chaos reign, and have a good time.
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Old 11-13-2023, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,840 posts, read 30,069,778 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
If they came to visit you, they don't want to sit on their butts in the other room while you're hustling in the kitchen. If you don't want them to help, is there space in the kitchen where they could sit and have a glass of wine while you're cooking? Or can you give them something to do to feel helpful, like setting the table, or putting out the cheese and crackers, or putting dirty dishes in the sink. Everyone has their own way of doing things, but if them folding a dishtowel wrong gives you that much anxiety, that's something to discuss with your therapist.
Um where did I say it bothers me if they fold a dish towel wrong? That wouldn’t bother me????? I will though think about your suggestions
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Old 11-13-2023, 10:32 AM
 
1,825 posts, read 843,425 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nancy739 View Post

Some people on this forum are just mean and I'm sorry for that! You asked a sincere question and some people are throwing spears at you.
The OP came here and self-admitted that she has a strong urge toward these negative behaviors that impact her daily life, and she herself suspects she might be controlling. There's no 'throwing spears.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by L8Gr8Apost8 View Post
You are doing it despite you stating it is having a negative impact on those you love.
She at least has that awareness which is the first step toward change...if the OP wants to change.

OP if this behavior continues, I would not be surprised if you find yourself increasingly alone, including more distanced from your kids. That would be sad. You at least know your behaviors aren't conducive to being liked and that they create strain in your remaining family. If you truly want to live a happier rest of your life, there are resources to change. Or you can double-down on negativity and political nonsense and sadly find yourself more and more isolated. That would be sad.
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Old 11-13-2023, 11:25 AM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,267 posts, read 34,383,908 times
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The other thing you could do is come clean about some of the idiosyncrasies.

"Please sit down and relax. I get anxious when there are people in the kitchen when I'm cooking. I know it's weird, and it's not you guys, it's anyone. I guess I'm just getting eccentric in old age."
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Old 11-13-2023, 11:28 AM
 
1,825 posts, read 843,425 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
The other thing you could do is come clean about some of the idiosyncrasies.

"Please sit down and relax. I get anxious when there are people in the kitchen when I'm cooking. I know it's weird, and it's not you guys, it's anyone. I guess I'm just getting eccentric in old age."
I like this approach. It's sort of admitting it and defusing it at the same time, while acknowledging it can still happen.
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