Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
2,500,000 members. Thank you!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-16-2023, 07:44 PM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,818 posts, read 29,993,566 times
Reputation: 18986

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gohangr View Post
That reminds me of my grandma a bit. Sweetest person in the world always cleaning or cooking, never needing anything back. But I really did wish she was a bit more relaxed. She told me a similar story about her mom being very judgy about stuff like cleaning (I guess at her time a lot of parents were that way).

Anyway, don't have a lot of thoughts about this - just enjoy the company of others and remember the world won't end if other people don't do it your way. And your DIL probably just really likes you so why not indulge and find something you like so that she can buy it for you next time
and I really love her...she's awesome...so is my grand daughter and son....for the most part we really get along well....love to have them around, just not in my kitchen when I'm cooking. lol

She is not a kissy face huggy bear type person, either, and the first time she came to my place and hugged me good bye, so tight, I almost cried tears of joy. My other DIL hated me.

This one is a gem.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-16-2023, 07:46 PM
 
8,639 posts, read 4,869,070 times
Reputation: 20913
I would love to come to your home for a meal.....I wouldn`t feel guilty about not helping at all.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-16-2023, 07:50 PM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,818 posts, read 29,993,566 times
Reputation: 18986
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlie&Rose View Post
I would love to come to your home for a meal.....I wouldn`t feel guilty about not helping at all.
well your more than welcome.
I usually take some down to my neighbor because she works long hours and doesn't have time to cook so it's a real treat for her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-17-2023, 07:30 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,569 posts, read 33,972,876 times
Reputation: 76328
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
I don't know why, honestly, but having someone else in the kitchen when I cook, makes me nervous/anxious...and I know others who say the same thing? I know not everyone feels this way, but it wasn't you, it was him and how he felt about it...
To me, the kitchen is the heart of the home. At most parties I've been to or hosted, people gather in the kitchen and talk and eat and make things. If your DIL is like me, being banished from the kitchen might feel weird or cold.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-17-2023, 10:14 AM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,818 posts, read 29,993,566 times
Reputation: 18986
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
To me, the kitchen is the heart of the home. At most parties I've been to or hosted, people gather in the kitchen and talk and eat and make things. If your DIL is like me, being banished from the kitchen might feel weird or cold.
Your right, the kitchen is the heart of the home, and today, most homes and apartments have an open floor plan as most do. Mine has a counter, and a table, incorparated into the area, with a small working kitchen, so they can very easily gather around the counter or table but walking into the kitchen for me is a no no. And again, it isn't her, it's me, which I believe would be wise to clarify to her....I feel cramped and clostrophobic, when someone enters the kitchen cooking area....and again, she admitted to me, that she doesn't like when people come early to dinner and hang out while she's cooking That never bothers me, it's when people gather in the kitchen area....and walk behind me or stand in front of the stove....nope, can't do it....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-17-2023, 12:13 PM
 
Location: Elsewhere
87,745 posts, read 83,444,582 times
Reputation: 113757
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
actually I've always loved to clean....I don't know, this sounds really dumb, but a clean house, always made me feel accomplished?

I don't know why, honestly, but having someone else in the kitchen when I cook, makes me nervous/anxious...and I know others who say the same thing? I know not everyone feels this way, but it wasn't you, it was him and how he felt about it...
Maybe you feel as though they are being critical of how you do things in some way? Even if they aren't really. Anyway, only you know the answer to why you feel that way.

But that doesn't mean you can't be in charge of your kitchen. I do not like anyone coming into my kitchen when I am cooking, either, not that I do that very often anymore or have anyone over. Those days are past. I always told guests to go sit down, that I appreciated the offer but didn't want help. I also wouldn't want someone picking up a spoon and stirring my food, meatballs or otherwise. Hands off unless I ask for help.
__________________
Moderator posts are in RED.
City-Data Terms of Service: http://www.city-data.com/terms.html
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-17-2023, 02:32 PM
 
5,524 posts, read 2,939,743 times
Reputation: 13848
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
Maybe you feel as though they are being critical of how you do things in some way? Even if they aren't really. Anyway, only you know the answer to why you feel that way.

But that doesn't mean you can't be in charge of your kitchen. I do not like anyone coming into my kitchen when I am cooking, either, not that I do that very often anymore or have anyone over. Those days are past. I always told guests to go sit down, that I appreciated the offer but didn't want help. I also wouldn't want someone picking up a spoon and stirring my food, meatballs or otherwise. Hands off unless I ask for help.
I feel the same as you and Cremebrulee. I have a kitchen/dining room, and I'd like it just fine if guests sat in the dining room, and we could visit while I cleaned up the kitchen. I don't want, and I don't need people trying to help me clean the kitchen. If they want to put their plates in the sink...well OK, but otherwise, just sit down and visit with me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-17-2023, 03:13 PM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,818 posts, read 29,993,566 times
Reputation: 18986
Quote:
Originally Posted by SnazzyB View Post
I feel the same as you and Cremebrulee. I have a kitchen/dining room, and I'd like it just fine if guests sat in the dining room, and we could visit while I cleaned up the kitchen. I don't want, and I don't need people trying to help me clean the kitchen. If they want to put their plates in the sink...well OK, but otherwise, just sit down and visit with me.
well, there are quit a few women who feel like me, whew, guess its not OCD.....I was a tad concerned....I'm soon to be 75 years old and at this stage of the game, I don't believe I can change that feeling when someone (invades) my kitchen when I'm cooking....lol, but I will have a talk with them and let them know....I really do get adjada (sp)? when this happens...I believe they'll understand....

now after dinner, it doesn't bother me if they come in and help serve the plates to each other whlle I'm dishing up dessert...which is fine...it's just before dinner. I get really nervous, serving and I believe a lot of that stems from my ex...he really made me nervous when I was about to serve dinner, always complaining about everthing...nothing was right, so in the end, before I left, I said, "listen, you don't like the way I cook dinner, and it doesn't taste like mama's then go down there and eat dinner with her please, cause the next time you say anything about my cooking, your going to wear it!"

I used to love to cook for a group, and had many dinner parties and holiday dinners, and my friends all loved my cooking and could not understand why he did that to me for 14 years? Later in counseling found out, it was his way of controlling my feelings about myself, making me feel insecure which is what a narcissist does. 14 years I put up with his complaining, nothing was right...the way I did laundry, the way I cleaned, even the way I wrote poetry, he was always putting me down. So perhaps that's a part of it? but we've been divorced now for a long long time, and I often feel very sorry for his new wife...I happen to know she is a very nice person.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-19-2023, 05:16 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,352 posts, read 24,273,305 times
Reputation: 17319
Your anxiety seems to be a problem. Since your son and DIL will probably be taking care of you as you age, the three of you need to have a frank discussion about your kitchen quirks and territorial behavior before it festers into your going into assisted living the minute your health gets iffy.

You are not too old to make some adjustments. You need to cultivate trust and acceptance with your DILs as not push them away. Loosen up. Don’t dig in.

You wouldn’t be wondering about having OCD if you didn’t sense a problem brewing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-19-2023, 05:33 PM
 
15,770 posts, read 6,807,544 times
Reputation: 8421
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
ontrolling behavior occurs when a person attempts to conform another person to their own needs or desires through some form of manipulation which I don't do, in my own home, I just want certain things done a certain way...but I don't try to conform anyone to my own needs or desires....thru manipulation....nor would I try.

I meant I'm controlling in wanting my house a certain way, when I'm in someone else's home, its their home, their rules....and I respect that....
You are 75 and you like being alone and you enjoy your life. I think your Dil can accommodate to your wishes in your home. Your house, your rules. It is fine. I also understand your feeling about receiving gifts. I find it stressful to receive gifts, all i can think of is how am i going to reciprocate. I do not enjoy shopping for others, some people are very good at it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top