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Old 11-23-2008, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Transition Island
1,679 posts, read 2,180,848 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy View Post
Why did you stay with a guy that had BPD or seemed toxic?

You are sounding like a whiny victim.
The name calling is not necessary (whiny victim) but if it gives you a sense of power or authority then so be it. CARRY ON!! I would never refer to myself as a whiny victim, but I could be a victim of unfortunate circumstances and hopefully it would be those situations where I would gain knowledge to share with others-which I have done most of my life. I also believe that everything that happens to us as humans is for a divine purpose-especially when it teaches something that is valuable to us as humans.

For one who had not been exposed to people in my family who had personality disorders, nor did I know about personality disorders as a young teenager-how would I not have known to not have a teenage boyfriend who had a personality disorder? If you knew everything about mental and personality disorders as a teenager then that is great for you ArtsyGUY.

Only after the rage, and the rage can take awhile to show up-will one really know that something may not be right. I also mentioned that the behaviors I saw while young were still present when we were re-acquainted again as adults. Took a while for the rage to appear again. If you know anything about youth development then you would understand why I just felt he was immature and had not yet properly developed into a young man with control of his emotions when we were teenagers. The emotions are very child like. As an adult I knew what to observe and although I could not professionally make a diagnosis I took my chance and asked him, and he was honest. My line of questioning to him prior to him telling me was done with the intentions of trying to find out his way of thinking, and based on that I found my answer whether he would have admitted it or not. I did end the relationships both times. While young not knowing, but as an adult I was empowered with the knowledge and at least now I had closure.
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Old 11-23-2008, 01:32 PM
 
Location: Transition Island
1,679 posts, read 2,180,848 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy View Post
It sounds like you are scapegoating the mentally ill.

If you know they are mentally ill. Leave them alone. Don't date them.
I have had one relationship with someone who has had a personality disorder. There are mental illnesses and there are personality disorders, and I would prefer you not make any comments if you are choosing to misconstrue what I have written about my one experience. Did you see something written which stated that I had more than one relationship with someone who had a personality disorder??? Strange indeed-YOU ARE!!
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Old 11-23-2008, 01:42 PM
 
25,165 posts, read 47,387,514 times
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Here it says the personality disorder falls under character disorder which is a class of mental disorder. Let's be real. Also I'm not trying to be rude. I actually know how chaotic it can be; however, I know not everybody is a perfect little angel either, even those without a disorder can be a challenge. I don't classify people as purely the good or purely the evil. I just don't see things that way.

Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Quote:
Originally Posted by Heaveno View Post
I have had one relationship with someone who has had a personality disorder. There are mental illnesses and there are personality disorders, and I would prefer you not make any comments if you are choosing to misconstrue what I have written about my one experience. Did you see something written which stated that I had more than one relationship with someone who had a personality disorder??? Strange indeed-YOU ARE!!

Last edited by artsyguy; 11-23-2008 at 02:15 PM..
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Old 11-23-2008, 01:54 PM
 
23,988 posts, read 31,227,591 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy View Post
Here it says the personality disorder falls under character disorder which is a class of mental disorder. Let's be real. Also I'm not trying to be rude. I actually know how chaotic it can be; however, I know not everybody is a perfect little angel either. It isn't the good and the evil. I just don't see things that way.

Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Wow...thanks for the link Artsy. It is interesting to see that list of 10, and the corresponding definitions. Heck, I think many people that I know have at least one of those characteristics listed, but not all of them for a particular disorder thank goodness! Just goes to show you that there are so many overlapping behavioral patterns that are considered to be a disorder.
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Old 11-23-2008, 02:11 PM
 
Location: Transition Island
1,679 posts, read 2,180,848 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by texgrl View Post
I recently read "Understanding the Borderline Mother".....I never understood how my mother could treat me the way she has since childhood, until I read this book. Im interested to know if anyone else has read this book or has a mother who has BPD???
How did you deal with her in adulthood?

Here is the website that I wrote about earlier in my replies. Has I mentioned one of the discussion boards is for children who have parents that have been diagnosed with BPD.

Nook-Support Group and Message Board (http://www.bpdfamily.com/discussions/message-board.htm - broken link)
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Old 11-23-2008, 03:37 PM
 
Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
8,367 posts, read 8,291,678 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy View Post
Here it says the personality disorder falls under character disorder which is a class of mental disorder. Let's be real. Also I'm not trying to be rude. I actually know how chaotic it can be; however, I know not everybody is a perfect little angel either, even those without a disorder can be a challenge. I don't classify people as purely the good or purely the evil. I just don't see things that way.

Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
I would agree with you that labeling folks with personality disorders as "good" or "evil" is not helpful, or even accurate. Statistically, Narcissism seems to occur more often in men, and Borderline occurs more often in women. And although either one can display some pretty unpleasant behaviors, especially in a close relationship, we should remember that they didn't "choose" to be as they are, no matter how tempting it is to "demonize" them. Besides, I think that being involved with them teaches us alot about ourselves (although maybe more than we really want to know)!

Scientific thinking re: these disorders seems to be evolving, and the most current theories view them on a "continuum" of disorders, including psychopaths and hysterics, with the idea that they're linked to some sort of early developmental failures and attachment disorders, occurring in the first year or so after birth, that can actually affect the physical structure of the brain.

For example, if their mom was too stressed or self-involved (or maybe even a BP or NP themselves), and unable to adequately respond to the infant's needs, the child will learn to depend on no one but themselves, and they also never develop a proper ego or independent sense of "self". So they're unable to ever trust enough to bond with anyone, but at the same time, they're always dependent on others and the outside world to feed the "false" and grandiose ego that they've built up to compensate.

Heredity and brain damage can also contribute, as with my "ex", a diagnosed NP/BP, who showed some evidence of brain trauma from earlier head injuries (in a car crash), and early stage Alzheimer's also ran in her family.

As already mentioned, many other folks may indeed be "eccentric", "self-centered", display "rages", etc., but it's important to note that real personality disorders involve a whole combination or constellation of symptoms, not just one or two of them. The psychiatric manual specifically requires at least 5 of the 9 symptoms be present, and in any case, it needs to be determined by a professional.

But unless you've actually lived with one, it's understandably difficult to imagine or comprehend.
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Old 11-23-2008, 05:17 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,405,480 times
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Having family members, including step children, and my DH's ex - as well as my ex - who have all been diagnosed w/ mental illness . . . I can truly say . . .unless you have experienced what it is like to deal w/ people who have serious mental health problems (especially problems that are either undiagnosed or diagnosed but the mentally ill refuse treatment/meds) . . . you cannot possibly understand what it is like.

For me, personally, knowing a person's diagnosis (and that is often - DIAGNOSES, plural) - means I have a better understanding how to handle even simple interactions. People w/ schizophrenia, Borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder are master manipulators . . . and experts at drawing you into their world and then sucking the life out of you (and making you feel responsible for them). So if "labeling" a disorder helps others decipher how to deal w/ people . . . so be it. People are not their disorder; but they sure manifest their disorder . . . and that means others around them are left to deal w/ what that might mean.

Mental illness is stigmatized and demonized, wh/ is too bad . . . but people who are living w/ their own reality can literally twist someone else's world around, especially if that person is a child . . . and if the other person is a spouse - he/she may find him/herself feeling very responsible for the MI person's misery b/c MI people often train their spouses to feel exactly that way, especially when children are involved.

So unless you have dealt with it . . . especially dealt w/ people who refuse therapy and meds . . . you really have no clue. Gathering info, talking to others, seeking out support groups - all are good ways of keeping one's sanity while learning to be a SURVIVOR - rather than a VICTIM - of someone else's mental illness.
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Old 11-23-2008, 05:50 PM
 
Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
8,367 posts, read 8,291,678 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Having family members, including step children, and my DH's ex - as well as my ex - who have all been diagnosed w/ mental illness . . . I can truly say . . .unless you have experienced what it is like to deal w/ people who have serious mental health problems (especially problems that are either undiagnosed or diagnosed but the mentally ill refuse treatment/meds) . . . you cannot possibly understand what it is like.
I hear 'ya re: "denial", which really makes for tough choices, especially if you still care about them. To confirm the diagnosis, we had PET scans done, which gives a 3-D comparison with scans of a "normal" brain at rest. Even when she looked at the scans which graphically showed that many areas of her brain were lit up like a Christmas tree, compared to normal scans, she would either dismiss it or simply refused to talk about it. So when you can't even admit or discuss the problem, the options become pretty limited.
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Old 12-11-2008, 06:05 AM
 
1 posts, read 3,440 times
Reputation: 10
My mother has bpd. I needed therapy myself to sort it all out. I also got help from a group of women with bpd mothers at [URL="http://www.thenook4pds.com"]www.thenook4pds.com[/URL]
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Old 12-11-2008, 06:23 AM
 
25,508 posts, read 23,353,118 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
BPD is terrible to deal with...my mother has BPD and dealing with her is like strategizing a battle...there is never rest...the stories are too long, detailed and painful to get into, but it gets better with time and distance.

My parents are divorced and my father and I are very close. Several years ago the proverbial sh*t hit the fan with my mother and I was at wits end...my father gave me the best advice... "Honey, don't try to beat her at her own game because she will always change the rules of engagement...the only way to beat her is by being honest...she doesn't know how to do that"...

My biggest hurdle was dealing with the lies and the feeling of helplessness from her web of lies...they are very shrewd and their illness is hard to detect as an outsider...

Just keep yourself safe and try to remember that she is ill...that does not excuse her behavior but it gives you a way to cope with it...thinking of her as sick is easier than thinking she is just plain evil...

Take care...
sheesh, are we really sisters?
My mother was just like yours, and no one can stand being around her. She used to beat me when I was a child, and actually search my room all the time, looking for things to accuse me of. She had very little self esteem, lied, and actually pushed and pushed you into arguments. Very negative woman, and if you go and visit her, she will start talking to you about herself, before you even sit down, and continue on, never asking you one question, about yourself...I used to be very embarrassed of her when I was little...(I know, horrible to say) I've seen her fight, and as silly as it sounds, it's like she becomes something very terrible...she pushes and pushes until you can't take it any longer...I've seen her hit the men she married. I can tell you, in all honesty, I do not hate her, I feel very sorry for her....adding, I was sooo fortunate to have another family take me in...as it was, I certainly did need couseling, due to low self esteem. She was always running everyone down, no one was any good, and she was brutal with gossip. The more people gave to her, the more she expected it...She is a miserable women, who is very undereducated and not able to socialize normally. She never really had any friends, isn't that sad? And, she blamed me for her life, b/c she had me single. So many times she'd scream at me, "I could have given you up, put you up for adoption!" And everytime she said that, I thought to myself, "I wish you had". I used to pray for her...I really do feel sorry that she was raised the way she was. So sad what grown adults do, to other human beings...

I really don't believe in their own mind, that our mothers hate us, they're just so messed up and confused from the lives they lived while growing up. But, I also do believe these people can be very harmful to their children, so please be careful and seek help if need be. Talking to others about it would be good for you to do...you get a clear cut look at why her problems exist. And it will help you deal with it, as well.


again, thank my lucky stars, for the family that took me in and raised me.
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