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Old 10-13-2009, 11:31 AM
Location: The Jar
20,071 posts, read 13,822,783 times
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Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
BPD is terrible to deal with...my mother has BPD and dealing with her is like strategizing a battle...there is never rest...the stories are too long, detailed and painful to get into, but it gets better with time and distance.

My parents are divorced and my father and I are very close. Several years ago the proverbial sh*t hit the fan with my mother and I was at wits end...my father gave me the best advice... "Honey, don't try to beat her at her own game because she will always change the rules of engagement...the only way to beat her is by being honest...she doesn't know how to do that"...

My biggest hurdle was dealing with the lies and the feeling of helplessness from her web of lies...they are very shrewd and their illness is hard to detect as an outsider...

Just keep yourself safe and try to remember that she is ill...that does not excuse her behavior but it gives you a way to cope with it...thinking of her as sick is easier than thinking she is just plain evil...

Take care...
Wow, your father is a wise one! It is truly a painful thing when a parent has an illness like BPD. I finally had to cut my own mother completely off. It was not an easy thing to do. Thankfully, there have been aunts, uncles, friends, and neighbors who have filled in some of the parental gaps. But, I'm sure the void will never be completely filled. Even grown children need healthy parents for ongoing love and support. I couldn't trust my mother. Now that, is one of the worst feelings in the world!
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Old 12-13-2010, 02:54 PM
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Default Guilt

I beleive my mother also has BPD but I can't confirm that because she won't sign the release form for her psychiatrist to tell me for sure! urgh! She is emotionally and verbally abusive to my brother and I. She is paranoid and delusional. I TRY And try and try to have some sort of communication with her and it always turns out bad. She turns on me and makes me feel nuts myself. She says I'm cold and heartless for not wanting to have a relationship with her. My brother won't even speak to her or answer her calls. I don't know what to do - with the holidays coming near the sense of guilt is overwhelming. I would love suggestions.
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Old 12-13-2010, 05:09 PM
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Default my mom

sometimes had the splitting and devaluation of others characteristic of borderlines and maybe one narcissistic and histrionic trait from DSM manual but really many people actually have what's known as mixed personality disordered traits, a smattering of traits or criteria from each cluster (like the flamboyant cluster which makes up borderlines, histrionics, narcissists)

also, what might just be a personality style in someone could pass for a character disorder. the person with a personality style might have more insight into why they act in a certain way as opposed to someone with a personality disorder and might stop the behaviors when called out on it
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Old 12-13-2010, 05:11 PM
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The best thing that you can do for your sanity is to not be around her as much as possible(or not at all). You are not obligated to be around an abusive person just because it`s the holidays, mother or not. As you already know, you will never be able to reason with her. Reasoning with a person like this is futile. The reason why you feel so much guilt is because that`s what these type of people do best. They manage to munipulate you into feeling guilty so that you will go along with their games and so that they don`t have to take responsibility for their abusive behavior.... Everything is your fault, not theirs. They do have that ability to make others feel like they are going crazy. That`s all part of their sick and twisted game that they play.

You could call her on Christmas and be brief. I wouldn`t go out of my way to be around her for christmas.It`s not worth it.
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Old 12-14-2010, 10:53 PM
Location: Austin, TX
399 posts, read 823,521 times
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I'm fairly certain my mother has BPD, and it's gotten worse as she's gotten older. I ended up cutting off contact a couple of years ago. She wasn't physically violent, just verbally abusive and emotionally volatile. Long history of prescription drug abuse. Extremely manipulative & histrionic. You can never be sure if what's coming out of her mouth is the truth. Loves attention and cannot function without some kind of drama going on. If there's no drama going on, she'll make some.

A typical example of her rages from when I was a kid:

If I needed something for school, say a notebook that was a certain size or something, she would inevitably get the wrong thing. If I told her it wasn't what I needed or otherwise reacted with anything short of "Oh thank you, mother, you're so sweet to have gotten that for me, you're the best mom ever," her response would be something along the lines of "You ungrateful little bastard! I'll never buy you another goddamn thing! I can't believe I raised such a horrible child, I must be a terrible mother!"

I started to emotionally detach myself from her when I was about 11.
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Old 12-15-2010, 10:31 PM
Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
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Whether they were a relative or a mate, it seems to me that for anyone who's ever been intimately connected to a BP/NP, the problem is really two-fold. Naturally, just to survive, first you have to eventually come to terms with the relationship in some way, which usually means separating from it altogether. That's a whole process of its own.

But the other part, which arguably takes much longer, is healing oneself after the experience, and slowly gaining better understanding of our own vulnerabilities, and the particular needs that brought and kept us there in the first place.

Just like vampires (a very apt metaphor), they drain our life energy to survive, they cast no reflection in the mirror (there's no "self" to reflect), and remember the folklore that you first have to "invite" the vampire into your house (by allowing them to cross "boundaries", that other folks normally might not permit)!

Last edited by mateo45; 12-15-2010 at 10:46 PM..
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Old 12-19-2010, 06:54 AM
Location: London, KY
716 posts, read 1,413,367 times
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Originally Posted by JonathanLB View Post
Completely agree. It's just another BS term those idiotic psychologists make up, none of which have any real medical basis whatsoever. Psychology is largely just the witch doctors of the day. I mean 50 years ago, homosexuality was on their list of disorders. I don't take anything they say seriously.
I think if you worked in a state hospital or any mental health facility you would retract that statement. So, are you suggesting that Paranoid Schizophrenia or Bipolar disorders are bogus diagnosis? I'll get to the personality disorders in a second. However, thought disorders,mood disorders etc have been researched and links have been found to excess or deficiency of neurotransmitters (dopamine, seratonin). As such, that's why we a plethora of meds such as anti psychotics, SSRI's, Lithium, and so on.
Personality disorders do exist and are the DSM IV for good reason. I agree that "pop psychologists" and self help books who try to diagnose people with Borderline or Antisocial are full of crap and really do a disservice to the mental health field. There are guidelines set forth by the DSM to diagnose people with personality disorders. Usually these disorders are concurrent with other mental health issues such as addictive disorders, Depression,Bipolar.
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Old 12-19-2010, 06:58 AM
Location: London, KY
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Originally Posted by robertpolyglot View Post
Is being disassociative part of a borderline personality disorder... or is that its own problem?
Different problem.
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Old 12-21-2010, 03:38 PM
Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
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Originally Posted by rbryant View Post
Different problem.
Yes, Dissociative identity disorder is considered a different condition, although dissociative behavior is often reported with BPD, and of course there's seldom a clear cut "line", since all these conditions are often "co-morbid" with other things, such as NPD, ADD, OCD, chronic depression, etc..

But IMO, having been married to a clinically diagnosed NPD/BPD, I can personally attest to encountering that characteristic blank look in the eyes (aka "light's on but nobody's home"), whenever she was in the throes of one of her many "rages".
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Old 12-22-2010, 06:34 PM
Location: New York, NY
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Anyone else interested in discussing their BPD parent would enjoy this too. Great insights! [L4] Coping With Parents, Relatives, or Inlaws with BPD
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